Is it possible to trust again in new relationships after a failed marriage due to an affair?

[Middlebutton]

I was married for ten years, together 14, and friends even before that. I’m now divorced after an affair came to light that took place on and off throughout our whole marriage, and then properly for at least the 6 months before we split up. It was a while before I began to piece together the truth of the affair and how long it had been going on, and even now 3 years later I am still finding snippets of dates/times they were together I didn’t know about.

I am now in a lovely relationship. I am however repeatedly fucking it up because I can’t seem to believe someone wants to be with me. I feel completely unattractive, unlovable and worthless. I love my current partner and want to be together. Due to us both having children we won’t be living together for many years and we have a balance of time together and apart. I just don’t seem to be able to shake off these feelings and believe someone would really want to be with me (and it won’t go to shit and they will cheat on me even though that’s really not in their nature at all) I don’t feel like anyone would look at me and want me.

Can anyone relate at all?

It's completely understandable.

Have you considered doing some counselling or perhaps something like CBT to address the hot-button thoughts? It would be a shame to let it continue to overshadow your new relationship.

I mean, you might be thinking - oh I ought to be able to get over this by myself - but it's a huge betrayal and headfuck that your ex lied and cheated for so long throughout your relationship.

Thanks. I did have a few counselling sessions but just felt it was pointless. I was going over and over the why it happened and how I didn’t know and just felt it wasn’t beneficial. Maybe I need to try with another therapist. It’s made worse as my ex is still with the affair partner and they face time the children daily. So it’s not something I can just forget about either!

CBT might be more helpful.

Thank you. Can you suggest any books or online groups which may help at all?

I've heard about people using EMDR to help with healing after infidelity.
I don't know if you heard of it but it helps your brain to process painful memories so that they're not stuck in your head anymore!

www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/02/when-talking-about-how-your-spouse-cheated-on-you-makes-you-feel-worse/272892/

I think it's more natural to still feel this way (and safer) than to be getting heavily involved too quickly, which is what a lot of people do.

Also just wanted to say...you are not worthless and I bet you're so lovable too

I think CBT would really help you. Also as you say try another therapist. The only person who can sort out your feelings is you. All I can say is, after the despicable way you’ve been treated do you really want these two sheisters wrecking your future happiness? It’s them who will destroy each other as a relationship built on deception will kill itself eventually. Be strong and let your new man love you xx

Thank you for all your lovely words and suggestions. You’re right, the only one who can sort it out is me. I think I’m shocked at how long it’s taking me to process and “get over” it, and the long term effects it is having on my relationships.