Hurtful comments said in anger

[CleverCatty]

I've said a few hurtful comments in anger to people in the past - I'm very much a flare up, calm down person who says things sometimes without thinking, but then is full of remorse.

I haven't always been like this - in fact when I was younger up to about age 30 I rarely blew up like this, it's got worse as I aged.

The thing is - sometimes you can say things and people don't/won't forgive and forget.

There's no autism/ADHD etc - been tested for this and other conditions - just case of tactlessness and foot in mouth syndrome.

Have had therapy in past for other reasons (bullying at work etc) but not addressed this - or not much - but did have a bit of CBT which I found really helped me.

I just don't want to do this in future or develop coping strategies for dealing with it.

I'm sure it's a defence mechanism from where I was walked over in the past and never said anything. Not saying this is an excuse at all.

thanks

What is your relationship with your parents/siblings like?

@Gifgif

What is your relationship with your parents/siblings like?

Interesting question.

My stepdad and I have had a rocky relationship in past 19 years - family fall out but that's recovered now and on good terms.

My mum (DM) - quite good at the moment but has been rocky in the past. She can tend to 'sugar coat' the past. After my divorce at 30 she was quite angry with me - almost as though it was 'my fault' and made comments like 'all the money we spent on your wedding'.

Siblings - my brother I did think was the 'golden child' but don't think so now.

Half siblings - I don't speak to my elder half sister or other half siblings but do speak to an elder half brother and just don't see him much due to distance.

It's tricky re above when you don't grow up with siblings.

Do you mean you lash out in anticipation of the other person hurting/attacking you?

Or something else?

I suppose, either way, the first step to changing the behaviour is consciously noticing when you do it (or feel about to). Once you can notice what you're doing then you can interrupt yourself and respond differently.

Whether that's walking away, breathing, counting, whatever to interrupt yourself from responding in the way you have been.

And I guess if part of it is because you feel unsafe then using selftalk and other strategies to remind yourself that you are safe and those memories of unsafeness are not happening in the present.

@user18435677565533

Do you mean you lash out in anticipation of the other person hurting/attacking you?

Or something else?

No, not in anticipation of other person hurting/attacking me.

If someone says something nasty or does something nasty I tend to overreact and then lash out - I can be drama queen like - but have toned this down in recent years.

I also had an undiagnosed underactive thyroid condition which was severe and caused big mood swings too.

I forgot to clarify - divorce was at 35 - got married at 30. but that was under pressure from friends/family to 'settle down' and 'have kids'.

@user18435677565533

I suppose, either way, the first step to changing the behaviour is consciously noticing when you do it (or feel about to). Once you can notice what you're doing then you can interrupt yourself and respond differently.

Whether that's walking away, breathing, counting, whatever to interrupt yourself from responding in the way you have been.

And I guess if part of it is because you feel unsafe then using selftalk and other strategies to remind yourself that you are safe and those memories of unsafeness are not happening in the present.

thank you! that's really helpful. I do try to do that a lot now.

I do feel unsafe - yes.

I think I might see a therapist for CBT as I really liked CBT as it's very visual and I'm that way.

Thanks a lot!

Prey animals sometimes do the same thing when they've had a bad experience.

For instance, where normally the prey animal's first response to a threat would be to run away and only then bite/kick if cornered, if they've previously had a bad/painful experience in a particular situation they can start to bite/kick as soon as anything triggers a memory of the previous unsafe situation. Like you said, as a defence mechanism because they feel unsafe and are trying to prevent a repeat of the previous painful/bad experience.

What you describe is basically the human version. It's part of the brain's trauma/threat responses.

Hope you get on well with CBT.

@user18435677565533

Prey animals sometimes do the same thing when they've had a bad experience.

For instance, where normally the prey animal's first response to a threat would be to run away and only then bite/kick if cornered, if they've previously had a bad/painful experience in a particular situation they can start to bite/kick as soon as anything triggers a memory of the previous unsafe situation. Like you said, as a defence mechanism because they feel unsafe and are trying to prevent a repeat of the previous painful/bad experience.

What you describe is basically the human version. It's part of the brain's trauma/threat responses.

Hope you get on well with CBT.

this makes a lot of sense.

people have said I'm very defensive in the past.

Basically I was teased as a child (glasses wearing when no one else wore them!) and bullied a bit too. I had one woman friend of family say to me 'don't be so defensive' and 'don't put yourself down'.

My DM was nice enough as a mother but expected me to be a certain way.

I'm sure I can work though it - and basically what you say makes a lot of sense, so much sense, so thanks again!

Hi OP. I have been bullied and I'm still angry about being bullied in a previous workplace. I think that is natural.

I have learnt the hard way to reign in anger and not lash out as it just doesn't get you anywhere.

You could try and keep a word document journal. If you get angry write it all down and then you can delete it.

I've noticed you are on the 40s dating thread. Could the anger be partly to do with the peri menopause or menopause?

I had a dysfunctional upbringing but I don't really see how this effects people's ways of dealing with anger.

Easier said than done but bite your tongue and take a deep breath when you get angry. Shout expletives at the walls instead of you can and you live alone and the neighbours won't hear you.

@pinkpinkypink

Hi OP. I have been bullied and I'm still angry about being bullied in a previous workplace. I think that is natural.

I have learnt the hard way to reign in anger and not lash out as it just doesn't get you anywhere.

You could try and keep a word document journal. If you get angry write it all down and then you can delete it.

I've noticed you are on the 40s dating thread. Could the anger be partly to do with the peri menopause or menopause?

I had a dysfunctional upbringing but I don't really see how this effects people's ways of dealing with anger.

Easier said than done but bite your tongue and take a deep breath when you get angry. Shout expletives at the walls instead of you can and you live alone and the neighbours won't hear you.

pinkpinkypink I've got over my workplace bullying, but as I was bullied at school on and off and also teased/bullied at school I do think I've built up a defence mechanism. At primary school I wasn't outgoing even though my DM tried to get me to be but I think that made bullies target me for that, and also glasses wearing. I think I just got used to being called names and didn't fight back.

I do try to control anger by counting to 10 etc but for me it's when people upset me I really have to take a deep breath and count to 10.

The word document journal is a good idea.

Menopause/peri menopause strangely enough hasn't affected me that much - yes I get mood swings but I always suffered with PMT when younger (not much helped it either apart from BCP which I took).

The dysfunctional upbringing means for me that when stepdad broke out in rages, made sarcastic comments to me etc that I saw these as 'the norm' whereas they're not. I know that I don't do much of what he does but when I visit stepdad/DM it can be hard to ignore silly behaviour - e.g. the other day we were all going out for a walk with DNephew, taking a bit of time to get ready - stepdad pushed past me quite hard/roughly, which is rude - but I didn't bother having a go, I just let it pass.

I actually do have a mindfulness CD/DVD and book and I do do yoga so will concentrate on mindfulness.

@CleverCatty it sounds like you are taking good steps forward.

I find the Word journal really useful. It's good for putting things in perspective because if you look back at old entries you can see what your worries were and how they might not affect you now.