He hadn’t told his parents we’d split!

[OverThinkingUnderDoing]

My husband left the family home at the end of last year. We split in mid November last year but we tried to stay in the same house to compare to until at least Christmas was over. Then at the end of January he begged me to give it one more try - his parents had booked us all a week away for Feb half term so we were together for that. As soon as we got there it was obvious that he had no intention of changing anything though so when we got back he left again.

He’s been pretty sporadic at seeing dc and it’s been extra difficult due to lockdown as he lives in the city he works in which is 100 miles away. He’s currently renting a place down the road until lockdown is over and is coming over most evenings to eat tea with us and he’ll put dc to bed a couple of nights a week.

Anyway this morning I get a phone call from his mum. She wants to know what week the dc have half term as she’d like to book the same holiday we went on this year (CV permitting obviously). I said I’d have to check with dh as we hadn’t discussed what we were planning to do about holidays but I was happy for them to go as they had a great time this year. After lots of confused questions about why I wasn’t going, why did I need to check it became clear that he hadn’t told them we’d split. When she realised she started howling on the phone saying ‘how could you do this to him? How can you do this to your children?’ before eventually hanging up.

I’ve now had 3 missed calls from my sister in law (dh’s sister) who I’m assuming is calling to berate me as she’s never particularly liked me anyway. I’ve also realised that the ‘sticking it out for Christmas’ and going on the holiday as a couple this year we’re simply so he didn’t have to tell his parents.

His parents are quite traditional but not religious in any way so I’m sure they’ll get over us splitting up. I just can’t believe he hadn’t told them! I wonder how long he was planning on keeping it all up? What an absolute tit.

I haven’t heard for ‘d’h yet but I’m assuming he’s spoken to his parents by now. I expect he’ll be coming round on his lunch break to tell me off so I might go out and hide somewhere for a while.

Don't let him wriggle out of it. I'd make him explain why he hadn't told his family.
What strange behaviour.
Don't feel bad

Spineless aresehole!

Its his problem to sort out. They were bound to find out sometime. I wonder what his excuse will be for keeping up this facade. It must be confusing for the kids to have daddy over for tea and bedtime every night but living down the road.

Honestly, why are you allowing him access to the DC in your own home? Why can't he take them out somewhere? It seems like he is in denial, I'm not sure this arrangement is helpful for the long term.

If he part owns the home you live in, you might need to get legal advice before locking him out and refusing to allow him inside but this is really the best option here.

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape from the ex -ILs though!

Was thinking the same. She sounds like a MIL you won't miss.

When she realised she started howling on the phone saying ‘how could you do this to him? How can you do this to your children?’

Wow, this would be a game changer for me. I don’t think I would ever look at the woman or treat her the same way ever again.

Honestly it sounds like you haven’t really split up at all. Why is he coming round for dinner? Why don’t the kids go to his for dinner?

Not your problem... let the ex deal with his family. Although personally I’d speak to them one more time so they get HE left the marriage

What an unpleasant, cowardly man.

Can I ask why you're doing family meals all the time? I get it's probably nice for the dc, but it also means you're in this weird limbo where you're not moving on - and your ex is getting the home comforts and not really feeling the consequences of leaving.

Oh dear, what a mess he's got himself into.

I think you should call your SIL back - obviously if she wants to have a go then you can hang up - but it might be that she already knew, or suspected.

Then call your ex, and tell him to sort out this situation he's created and to stop trying to brush it under the carpet the big coward!

Well he hasn’t turned up on his lunch break like I thought he would so that’s one good thing at least.

The dc do know we’ve split up and don’t seem too fussed about it. Before lockdown part 2 they were enjoying the novelty of going to stay at his flat in the city once a month or so. I’m guessing that will wear thin pretty quickly though and we need to sort out proper arrangements.

I know it’s not great him coming over for dinner a couple of times a week. The place he’s staying at is owned by my friend and it was being done up as a holiday home but as yet there’s very little in there - no table, chairs, kitchen equipment etc. He’s bought a microwave, kettle and a few plates and bits of cutlery but he can’t really do much for dc other than sandwiches. I think we should probably sort out proper evenings he has them for, even if he stays here and cooks for them and I go over to my mums for a few hours. I hadn’t considered they might think we were getting back together.

He has it cushy doesn’t he. Comes back for family meals in a house he no longer lives in. Carries on to his family that he is still married when living as a single man.

Is this set up not confusing to the kids? Not saying you couldn’t be amicable but surely it’s time to separate properly and he doesn’t see the kids at yours but his or he takes them out separately.

The mother in law... well no loss there but make it clear it was his decision. Why should you be labelled the family wrecker?!

Does he still work and live in the same area 100 miles away or is he renting near you. Why cant he get a secondhand table and a few chairs, he can order takeaways, heat up your meals in the microwave rather than coming to you for dinner every night.

Make sure you tell his parents and sister the true version of the split. If you don't he'll pretend it was all your idea.

Please tell me you're not doing his laundry

Imo you have enabled him to be a lazy half arsed df. No wonder he isn't facing real life.
No more visits op..
Nowt wrong with dc eating sandwiches..
And block his family. They aren't your friends. Let him answer to them.

why don't you let him stay at yours one day from early evening to mid next morning and you stay where he usually stays, leave him with dinners bedtime etc. and have a night off

I am confused as to why your DH sister would call to berate you? Given it was her brother who left you and failed to tell his family. I am also confused as to why your MIL thinks that you have split up the family?

Your husbands mum has put across her viewpoint in an undesirable way. I recommend ignoring the calls from the sister in law if you think she has nothing helpful to say because otherwise, what's the point. Personally, if you not being together doesn't badly effect the children, I don't think I see a problem. If your dh coming to yours for dinner isn't an issue, I don't recommend making it one.

Are you his free cafe and laundromat OP?

Have you seen where he's living? I'm not usually mega suspicious, but it seems like a long time to go without kitchen facilities.

Why hasn't he sorted out proper accommodation? He's had long enough, after all. I hope he's paying a proper rent to your friend.

No, definitely not doing laundry 😂

He’s definitely living down the road, no doubt about that. It’s only for these 4 weeks of lockdown, then he’ll be back at his flat in the city as he’ll be back in the office again.

Ok, fair enough re. the kitchen thing.

You sound as if you are still together but with him sleeping somewhere else.
Are your finances separate?