So he had an affair now what?

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

I have just signed up and this is my first post because well I feel lost and not sure what to do.

For background:

I have no family other than husband and kids. I’m the main breadwinner. Kids are still at school 11 and 13.

We have been together 30 years and married for most of those. He had his own business and I have a job well I have a few jobs! I will try to explain. God I hope it makes sense.

For most of our relationship every time issues with husbands business he would be miserable and it would be quite miserable at home for us both and then for the kids, short tempered, grumpy etc but despite many conversations, he did not do anything to change how he reacted to what would be considered normal business events. I would try to find solutions to help and support him each time which was on average every time an employee left. As he runs a restaurant that was fairly frequent.

I have carried the mental load for the whole of our relationship and did lions share of kids, all life admin, birthdays etc plus his business admin and my own job.

When we had kids I asked him to find better ways to deal with issues with his business but nothing changed.

He has always been thoughtless when it came to birthdays/anniversaries- I guess my expectations were too high I always thought at least twice a year he could think about me when I took care of everything else the other 363 days.

The last 2 years have been the worst and he wanted to shut his business but financially we couldn’t afford this I convinced him to keep going for another 18 months and I started a consultancy service which was profitable from the start as well as retaining my full time role aim being I build up my business to replace his income. Every day he would ask how much I had made so I asked him to stop as I felt under a lot of pressure. He continued to be short fused, being around him was hard work; all suggestions to improve his situation was met with reasons why it wouldn’t work. I have to admit I started to get less patient in fact I was quite short with him on many occasions and blunt as it was so frustrating.

Around 6 months before the 18 month deadline we decided to pull the plug on his business but in order to do that I had to take on an extra job. Instead of being pleased about shutting it down he was very upset I was supportive but I was also now juggling a lot of work so he could shut down his business and take time out from working. He told me he didn’t think I was supportive enough I told him I was upset especially for him but I also had all these responsibilities.

During the last 12 months (so both before and after shutting his business down) he stopped hanging out with us as a family and would disappear to the bedroom as soon as meal was done so I did all the bedtime etc.

He kept talking with and about a particular employee (now former), he invited her to our home for a meal as a thank you for her support and he asked me to cook something nice. He would organise to meet her and took her for lunch for her birthday. I got dinner with the kids at the local as we were watching our spending both for my birthday and our anniversary. During the time his business shut down I took care of all the admin related to it. In my own business I was a finalist for an award and I spent the evening by myself there was no celebration or any sign from him that he was proud of me or happy for me. I hit a few other milestones none of which he celebrated he was still upset about his business.

About a month ago I got suspicious and tried to check up on a few things then tricked him into admitting that he was having an inappropriate relationship with his former employee.

Apparently she was easy to talk to and supportive and things went from there. So some type of emotional affair for 12 months at least and then some kissing and sexting more recently once he shut down the business which was exciting apparently. I was and still am devastated. I’ve kinda buried myself in work and asked him to move out of the bedroom.

Since then he has become thoughtful and considerate. Got anxiety medication seeing a counsellor and wants to save our marriage. But I feel nothing. I cry a lot in private I’ve spoken to 2 friends who don’t know him but that’s about it. I’m planning to see a counsellor myself.

He wants to move back into the bedroom. Discovery was approximately 4 weeks ago.

I honestly don’t know what I want or what to do. I don’t feel anything when I look at him. Life kinda continues as normal.

So thank you if you got this far. I would love any advice or thoughts on my situation and happy to answer any questions. I have changed a few minor details as he knows I’m on this site, been a lurker for a while never thought I would need to post.

Thanks.

[mrscampbellblackagain]

Rarely have I read a thread on here with such a dreadful DH.

I would see a solicitor pronto.

[Hailtomyteeth]

You have carried this man for too long. Put him down.

Clarify your position. What do you need him for? I suspect you don't need him at all. He's not contributing to your wellbeing and he's a faithless bastard to boot. So do that. Boot him out.

You work hard. You deserve a peaceful and happy home life, and so do your children.

Let him take out his misery on the other woman.

[Lampzade]

Op, I read your post and felt exhausted.
Affair or not, this man is just sucking the life out of you and then blaming you for not being supportive enough.
What is the point of being with him?

[frozendaisy]

[quote Ifeellostandhurt01]@EKGEMS I will I think someone else recommended that site and another one. Thank you. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about having to make a decision. I know I will have to at some point and it scares me.[/quote]
Don't be scared.

Just say "enough" and serve divorce papers

You can sort out ANYTHING that needs doing.
Once it's done the only things you will ever need to sort out again will be for you and your children. Think about that with a smile.

[frozendaisy]

@HollowTalk

In what way could you have supported him more? Bought him condoms for when he was dating the OW?

OP please say this to him and let us know how he reacts.

[MRC20]

The affair, emotional or physical is one thing but inviting her to your home and having you cook her a special meal shows you exactly what he thinks of you. This man has no respect for you or the family you have built. That is unforgivable imo. I'm so sorry but it does sound like your life would be better without him, good luck xx

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

Ahh @HollowTalk you make a good point! Even made me laugh:cry. Agree @frozendaisy honestly when faced with problems I’m normally solution mode. With this situation it’s really weird but I’ve kinda shut it down and put it away like a box and getting in with normal life like nothing has happened but when no one is looking I cry I cry a lot but still can’t seem to take action.

It may sound crazy but we haven’t spoken about the affair since the revelation and everything on his phone is conveniently deleted. I will wake up from this weird self imposed limbo.

[Helpme20]

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. Reading through your post has made me think about my personal experience I am going through. I cannot believe he brought her into your house, that is beyond disrespectful.
Be strong and sending you hugs xx

[ilovemydogandMrObama]

Seems to me that you are very self sufficient and driven, where your DH needs admiration and flattery.

I can totally understand your exasperation with him, he sounds mentally, financially and emotionally draining.

Sounds as if your relationship is quite dead already with both of you not willing to pull the trigger...

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

Thank you everyone

@Helpme20 I’m sorry this has brought up bad memories.

I have to go now but I will come back later as this has been so helpful for me to talk openly.

[Caeruleanblue]

I would ask him to move out. You can have space for thinking about your future, and not having him moping around whilst you do that. Also explain to DCs that DH met someone else and you need to separate for the time being, don't cover up for him. See a solicitor as you need to know where you would stand financially if you separated.
Get counselling if you can. Give yourself time to decide.

[dottiedodah]

What a complete arsehole! you sound a strong lady to me .I think you know deep down you want to be free of him.After 30 years it will be hard very hard ,but not impossible! Please seek legal advice .

[Crankley]

Your husband doesn't appear to add anything positive to your life. You've been with him for so long that I imagine life will be unimaginable without him but can you name one thing that he says or does that makes you feel he loves or respects you?

You are obviously a hard working and strong woman and you you will need every ounce of that strength to deal with him.

I would be telling him that as a result of the affair, he should move out of the house for two weeks to enable you time and space to have time to think. During those two weeks, gather together all financial and any other information you may need and book an appointment with a solicitor. Hopefully your eventual plan would be to tell him not to return and that he will shortly be receiving divorce papers. He will beg and cry to come back, please don't let him.

Having someone to talk to in RL is really helpful, if you have a really good friend, please share with her and let her help you.

Good luck.

[IseeIsee]

I feel for you OP. I can't imagine he will go easy so I think you should focus your energy on progressing with your divorce. He is not an equal partner and seems to think marriage equals pandering to his every need. Being married to a self centered, moany and needy man would be draining for anyone. His gf unlikely wants him but I would doubt they only kissed. He has no respect for you. He is probably jealous of your success and is trying to drag you down. Cut him loose do that he can't drag you any further.

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

@Crankley I honestly can’t think of anything not in a long time. This situation has as I’ve said caused me to reflect and there is a continuing theme of lack of consideration and thoughtlessness. Don’t get me wrong I’m far from perfect I have been very impatient with him over the years and quite sharp.

I haven’t felt loved for a long time. There has been little in the way of physical affection except when he wanted sex and compliments have been few and far between.

I think I know what I have to do I’m just scared and a little angry that yet again I now have to do something.

I’ve started to churn over in my head the last 12 months which is probably not healthy or maybe it’s good so I can get angry.

I even found him a counsellor who is very good. Is it worth seeing this counsellor myself, sorry I just don’t know how this all works I’ve never been to a counsellor before.

I think I also need to speak to him too because we still haven’t really spoken since that night I found out. It’s weird he is being kind and thoughtful and I’m just working and getting on with the day to day.

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

@Caeruleanblue moping around looking and acting a bit like a lost puppy to be precise. I feel suffocated with his attention as he is not working and I’m working from home.

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

@IseeIsee as you and others have pointed put I too don’t believe it was just kissing and sexting. Ffs we are both over 50! I wouldn’t have a clue about sexting and didn’t think he did either.

[BarryWhiteIsMyBrother]

@ReneeRol

He brought her into your home and made a mockery of you with her. They both got a kick out of that. That's so much disrespect and contempt for you, it shows exactly what he thinks of you.

He doesn't have much to offer you. He's a disrespectful, cheating loser. Bet his mistress wouldn't want him if you dropped him into her lap.

This.

[TooManyDogsandChildren]

OP you definitely need to find a good divorce lawyer and plan. Do not give him the opportunity to claim that he is main carer for the DC and that is why his business folded or that he should get maintenance/ a larger share of the marital assets because he has no income.

[Bluntness100]

Op, generally I try to find the good. Much to many posters horror. If there is a chance I’ll advocate trying it

In this instance you need to get rid. Kick him out. He’s not your problem any more. You don’t need to carry him any more. Get rid.

Making you cook his mistress dinner is something that is beyond unforgivable.

End it.

[onyourway]

It's definitely worth seeing a counsellor by yourself, to help you process everything and formulate your path forward...

[Devoilmum]

@Ifeellostandhurt01 I’m
So sorry to read that you’re going through this. Our situations sound very similar, our children are the same age too.
I’ve too have carried the mental load throughout our 18 years. We’ve not had the business stresses but more than our fair share of ill health issues, along with redundancy. I’ve not felt supported and felt like I’ve just had to cope with everything alone.
I have to admit, he’s pretty good around the house and garden and he does pull his weight but it’s often only after a lot of asking. And we’ve never been fortunate enough to be able to afford too much extra and so try to do a lot of jobs ourselves.

He started talking about his new work colleague a lot. Too much. I became suspicious and he denied any other than supporting her through some issues. I’m questioning a lot now, over those months although he swears nothing physical happened between them until January this year. But he took me along to the ice skating rink with a few of his colleagues last December. There was about 4 turned up, including her and everyone left pretty quickly apart from her.

My dp wanted to try again. Begged for a chance. We talked, decided we’d both try and make a real effort. Done all the right stuff, said the right thing. I had some bad news and he asked to move back to our bed to comfort me. I said no, I wasn’t ready.

He’s back with her already. I don’t know if he got fed up with waiting. I suspect he just said what he thought I wanted to hear. He doesn’t want the upheaval of moving out, splitting up, sharing the dcs. He wants the easy life with me carrying the mental load here whilst he gets his fun and excitement with her.

It’s taken me a long time to process this. He’s hidden everything very well and it’s been hard for me to find the truth (which I felt I needed to be sure of). He’s destroyed me and left me a nervous wreck. But I’m fighting back and I know I’m worth more.
I’m getting stuff together, paperwork, details of his income. I find lists helpful and try to convey on one thing at a time.
Whilst I’m scared to go it alone, I feel glimmers of excitement too.

Good luck, I think you know what you need to do.

[beavisandbutthead]

So you have had to carry this man for years, he isnt proud of your achievements, he has not taken on any of the emotional load that comes with having DC and when he gets the chance has an affair. I would send him on his way. Lets see how he copes without you carrying him. I coudnt even begin to think of the rage I would feel if this was me.And he is after moving back into the master bedroom...dear god he would be in a tent. Complete cheating arse and deserves nothing more than sleeping with the pigs

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

@Devoilmum I’m so sorry you are going through the same.

I’ve just compartmentalised and seem to be unable to take any action my gut (probably why I feel sick) is telling what I need to do but after so many years together there is a lot to unravel.

It’s not just the affair as many wise women here have pointed out. I kept telling him for the last few years his behaviour was eroding my feelings. It’s horrible living in a house when one adult is miserable but doesn’t do anything to fix it. Like your husband @devoilmum mine is good at the gardening etc but all the thinking is left to me.

I think I need to see a counsellor first then talk to him. God I feel sick and I haven’t done anything wrong.

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

Thanks @beavisandbutthead you just put a smile on my face. My reactions are not what I expected if I’m honest I expected to be raging instead I feel sad.