My cousin is an alcoholic. Her pattern of drinking is binges every few weeks. So she’ll be sober for maybe a couple of months, then she will drink for several weeks. When she is drinking she drinks all day and night, vodka and wine. She sleeps, vomits in the bed, wets herself, screams and shouts for more alcohol, usually dehydrates herself, and then ends up admitted to hospital (she is a shocking hypochondriac and always has been, before the alcohol became an issue. So she fabricates illness. But I think the amount she drinks makes her genuinely ill). After a hospital stay she’ll come home dry, and will last a few weeks before the drinking starts again. This has gone on for about 5 years.
She lives with her DS age 10, and her DP. He DP is not DS’s father, but biological father left during the pregnancy, and DP has been around since her DS was a toddler. DS calls him Dad.
Her DP works very hard, has several jobs, so is out quite a lot, but is very hands on when he’s around. My cousin hasn’t worked for over a decade. When my cousin is drinking, her DS spends some time at home (when DP isn’t at work), and when DP has to work, DS is taken to grandparents, who he adores, and they adore him.
DS is doing well at school, and talks openly to teachers about Mummy drinking and not being able to wake her up sometimes. Social services are involved, and DP has recently been given shared legal parental responsibility. I’m pretty sure that DS is always physically safe, because when the DP goes to work, DS goes to grandparents. He is rarely in his own at home with a comatose mother. He does, however, witness his mother screaming at his “dad” to go out and buy her vodka in the morning before he goes to work. He also witnesses the vomiting, passing out on the settee etc.
My feeling is that the psychological damage being done to DS is enormous, and that whilst he loves his mother, it would surely be better for him to not have to live with her. I can’t help thinking he’d be better off if he was just in the care of his “dad” and grandparents. My cousin has had masses of help over the years (medical, psychological, financial, practical - you name it, we’ve done it), and has never expressed any desire to remain sober. In fact she doesn’t even acknowledge that she has a problem, and won’t allow anyone to speak about it ever.
But social services and other family disagree, and feel that keeping them all together is better, because she does have sober spells, and for those weeks she’s an adequate parent.
I wonder what people who have been the DS in this situation would feel?