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Original poster

Can a friendship end after 26 years?

29 replies

Goodmum1234 · 19/11/2020 00:08

I have had a friend for years. We have been through thick and thin. We don’t see each other often but always have reconnected like nothing has changed.
I’ve treated us to weekends away to spend quality time together as her health has deteriorated over the last five years.
Covid has been hard and she has been shielding as extremely critically vulnerable. It’s not been easy for anyone but I have tried leaving messages fairly regularly and often with no response.
Months went by so I decided to ask if I’d done anything wrong. I got a reply via voicemail. Rather offish and breezy about friends growing apart and how that’s sad!
I was gutted. I haven’t responded as I’m upset, bewildered and having thought about things the effort has been one sided for years.
It’s now been 3 weeks and to be honest I feel like I’m done with it.
Is it possible to move on and continue to make new friends and move on with life even though once upon a time she was your closest friends
Advice please. Be kindp, lots going on at the minute

OP posts:
Othering · 19/11/2020 00:13

Well, you have no real choice other than to move on. Time keeps ticking by for everyone. Its sad but it happens. Fwiw, I don't think you do make friends quite so easily when you get older. Not the kind of friends you have when you're younger anyway. Chin up and best foot forward.

Original poster
Goodmum1234 · 19/11/2020 00:15

Thank you. I sometimes feel I should fight for the friendship but I feel she has given up on me or she’d have attempted to at least ring me on 11 months!

OP posts:
ilikemethewayiam · 19/11/2020 00:33

The same happened to me. I had a friend of 25 years and like you we went through every imaginable life stage together, we were like sisters. Our children grew up together and were besties, we spoke for hours on the phone chewing the cud and putting the world to rights. Unlike your friend I didn’t even get an explanation. She just ghosted me! Wouldn’t answer landline or mobile. Didn’t respond to my emails. That was 5 years ago and to this day I have had no explanation or closure. I’m still saddened and always wonder what happened. So yes a friendship can end after any length of time! We seem to assume that because it’s long term it’s secure but it’s not. It’s awful when you are not expecting it or ready for it. Your only consolation is she at least gave you a reason, even if you don’t think it’s a good one. Something has changed within her and she’s ‘outgrown’ you. As the saying goes... friends are for a reason, a season or a lifetime. She is in one of the first 2 categories. It’s awful but you really don’t have much choice but to accept it. I’m sorry, I know it hurts. I still feel very hurt when I think of my friendship but there’s nothing I can do about it so I try not to think about it. Try to put her out of your mind and concentrate on those who are loyal and present in your life.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/11/2020 00:49

I ended a friendship of over 40 years two years ago. It happens.

Redlipstick55 · 19/11/2020 03:07

Yes it can happen... It's very sad but a fact of life

cabbageking · 19/11/2020 03:27

She may be depressed and having difficulties coping. She may be in pain and just can't be bothered. She may not want you to know the situation or how worried she is.

Send her some up beat messages or funny images. Help her ride it out. Don't give up until after Covid ends and there is some light in everyones life.

Covid has changed some peoples lives drastically whilst others have seen less impact.

Peakypolly · 19/11/2020 04:12

My oldest friend (met at work almost 30 years ago) just stopped contacting me five or so years ago. My DH was awaiting a fairly major op and she did not contact me to see how things were, or respond to my attempts to see/speak to her. I continued to send Christmas and Birthday cards for a couple of years but got nothing back.
I still miss the laughter we used to share. I think our friendship was based on fun, so when my life went a bit shit she decided to drop me. Maybe your ex-friend feels that whatever your relationship was based on, it no longer exists. It is a sad thing to miss a mate, but try and not let it affect the happy memories or sour any future friendships.

SparklingLime · 19/11/2020 07:02

Send her some up beat messages or funny images.

Don’t do this! (I’m sure you won’t.)

It’s a horrible thing to go through Flowers

KittenCalledBob · 19/11/2020 07:09

It's a shame OP, but I don't see any point in 'fighting for the friendship'. You say that, looking back, she's not been making much effort for years, so I don't think you'll be able to do anything now to change her mind. Maybe in some ways it's better that she was honest with you, rather than continuing to let you flog a dead horse?

SparklingLime · 19/11/2020 07:25

But I agree with Cabbageking that friendships are being affected by Covid. There are a few other threads on just that currently.

I found this a helpful perspective, it might be worth a look, OP and @Peakypolly

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/oct/08/i-think-im-being-ghosted-by-my-closest-friend-how-do-i-move-on-with-my-dignity-intact

furloughandfallow · 19/11/2020 07:51

You mention messaging her, but have you actually picked up the phone and called her, or arranged a socially distanced walk/chat etc ( depending on what is allowed etc) ?

scotsllb · 19/11/2020 08:05

@furloughandfallow

You mention messaging her, but have you actually picked up the phone and called her, or arranged a socially distanced walk/chat etc ( depending on what is allowed etc) ?
Op said she tried to phone and got a voicemail back saying that they had grown apart etc so I don't think reaching out again is the answer. It's sad op I hope you are ok
Original poster
Goodmum1234 · 19/11/2020 08:15

Thank you all. Comforted to feel I’m not alone. I’m not my life is pretty good. Suppose I just feel a bit used. Maybe I’ve been putting in the effort all these years and they were always good times at my expense. Once that stopped, so did the friendship x

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodmum1234 · 19/11/2020 08:23

I rang and left voice mails every month just about. Plus WhatsApp voiced more often (she is visually impaired). I have tried it’s just that we couldn’t do the usual personal face to face stuff or go away together

OP posts:
rainkeepsfallingdown · 19/11/2020 08:47

I would send her one last email saying you got her message, you're sad she feels that way and you would love to reconnect, but you understand she might not want to. If she changes her mind, you'll always be happy to hear from her, whether she wants to get in touch tomorrow or in many years' time. You care about her, and you're leaving the door open for her.

Yes, it is giving her the power, but it also means if she's caught in the fog of a Covid-related depression, she won't feel too embarrassed to contact you in the future when she's recovered. For someone I had known that long, I would give that to her, just in case.

At least you got a message. I was ghosted by a long-term friend too, and I spent such a long time unsure whether I had somehow hurt her, or whether she had died. I do sympathise - losing a best friend is in some ways much more painful than losing a partner. Scratch that, it's just more painful all round. I'm over every failed relationship, but it still hurts me to think of a broken friendship.

GrandUnion · 19/11/2020 09:29

This exact type of thread is so common on here. Obviously, friendships can and do end, especially if circumstances change — and the friend’s worsening health, as well as shielding due to Covid, is an obvious factor here — but what genuinely mystifies me about many of these threads is that the ‘friendship’ the OP recounts is so often a not-very-enjoyable and unequal dynamic, but is still complaining about its ending.

In some cases, the OP even seems to be presenting the one-sidedness of the friendship — that they were always the giver and the listener and the instigator — as a reason for why the other party should be contacting her, which makes no sense.

Original poster
Goodmum1234 · 19/11/2020 10:11

Right, never a friendship then- all one sided, no joy. I’ll leave it there
I asked for kindness and, you know, just a place to let go of sone feelings at this time.
It’s been awful, not just this deteriorating friendship and I just needed reassurance and a hand hold really, not a third person, précis of my personality, or qualities as a friend.
Let’s leave things here

OP posts:
Raidblunner · 19/11/2020 10:19

Friendships can definitely end even after many years. Sometimes you just have to leave it where it is and move on for your own sake.
It recently happened to me, I saw my mates wife in the supermarket 18 months ago and she was really upset. She explained my friend had a heart event and was having a stent fitted and coming home the next day. I phoned him straightaway and could I visit. He said don't worry see me at home tomorrow. I went round the next with magazines, grapes etc and said anything he needed even though his wife was there I'd happily do.
Cut along story short 6 months after that they discovered I had a life limiting birth defect with my heart and needed

GrandUnion · 19/11/2020 10:55

@Goodmum1234

Right, never a friendship then- all one sided, no joy. I’ll leave it there I asked for kindness and, you know, just a place to let go of sone feelings at this time. It’s been awful, not just this deteriorating friendship and I just needed reassurance and a hand hold really, not a third person, précis of my personality, or qualities as a friend. Let’s leave things here
OK, well, I think it is possible to recover from a friendship that temporarily goes into abeyance -- one very good friend suddenly stopped getting in touch with me almost nine years ago, and there was radio silence for years, after I stopped leaving her messages. Nine years later, we're tentatively back in touch after I moved countries and contacted her. We haven't ever talked about why she went quiet, and I know that if I bring it up, she will equivocate, but I value the friendship enough to continue on these terms.

But I suppose a lot will depend on whether you want the friendship to continue enough to move past this. It does sound as if she's had a particularly difficult year if her health has worsened and she's self-isolating, and I think many people (me included) have withdrawn into themselves a lot.

SparklingLime · 19/11/2020 11:31

Your initial post was unnecessarily nasty, @GrandUnion.

GrandUnion · 19/11/2020 12:37

@SparklingLime

Your initial post was unnecessarily nasty, *@GrandUnion*.
It wasn't 'nasty' at all, @SparklingLime. It wasn't even about the OP, merely musing on how many of these posts are appearing on Mn at the moment, where someone appears to be upset and angry at someone in their lives who has stopped responding to attempts to contact them, while simultaneously describing the friendship as having been 'one-sided' for a long time.
user1493413286 · 19/11/2020 12:43

Friendship break ups are worse than romantic ones at times; I was devastated when someone who I thought would be a best friend for life distanced herself from me. I think you need to view it in a similar way to Tom’s tic break ups that there are plenty of other people out there and you’ll find friendships again.
I’m actually back in contact with the friend who did this to me but we will never be close like we used to be.

user1493413286 · 19/11/2020 12:46

*romantic obviously

MissSmiley · 19/11/2020 12:54

You said her health has declined in the last few years, you don't think she's more seriously unwell than she's letting on? Hen my best friend died a few years ago she detached from everyone in the months leading up to her death :-(

Notstayingup · 19/11/2020 13:35

My best friend ghosted me 3 years ago after 35 years of friendship (each other’s bridesmaids, god parents to children etc.)I still don’t know why and I really grieved for that relationship. I felt so worthless and it destroyed my confidence for a time. I have moved on and although I still don’t know what happened I now just hope she is happy and doing well. I have closed that chapter of my life and moved on with my family and the support of other friends.

It is very painful when this happens, I can honestly say I didn’t do anything to trigger it and now am bemused more than heart broken. I a, sorry you are going through this OP as it hurts like hell.