Husband Having Mid-Life Crisis?

[MiaMummaCat]

18 months ago my husband informed me that he'd become friends with a woman playing an online game - "she's married with children, we're just friends". I am trusting & thought no more of this. However, a few weeks later, he announced that this woman suffered from an eating disorder & had been admitted to a medical unit for treatment & he was going to see her as she was so down. He didn't ask if I minded, he drove 200 miles to go visit her.
Returning, he didn't say much except that he felt really sorry for her & she said that playing the online game with him kept her sane & wanting to live.
I noticed that he kept his phone with him at all times & then he shouted aggressively at our youngest child who tried to use his phone to look at photos taken the last summer.

I looked at his messages whilst he was in the shower.
I found messages between him & his best friend saying "I'm in love with XXXX" , I've sent her a bouquet of flowers telling her" - the best friend replied "go for it mate, you only get one life, seize happiness whilst you can". Also a message from him to his "therapist" about being in love with this woman - the therapist replied "it's your life, put yourself first".
I was devastated would be an understatement. I decided to confront him about the messages. He immediately denied that he was in love with her (I didn't tell him about everything I knew), she was happily married & they were friends - I was being silly. Then he changed, and became very angry and said how disappointed he was that I'd read his private messages, I should be ashamed of myself.
I really didn't know what to do, I had no-one I felt I could speak to about this & his response shocked me.
Following this, he met up with this woman & her husband when they came to visit relatives 30 miles from us in August 2019 (I was away on a trip with our youngest child), apparently when he returned home, he was very drunk according to one of my other older children who was living at home at the time.
In September I had booked to take one on the children to a concert in London for birthday & so he decided to go & visit this woman & her husband for a weekend (staying in a nearby B&B) whilst I was in London. He didn't ask if I minded, and he didn't ask if our 17yr old minded staying home alone for the weekend either.
When I confronted him, he said "they are my friends, I'm putting myself first for a change", I also said to him that I was worried he was drinking too much - his reply "I do drink too much - but I like it, end of conversation".
This past 8 months, he has virtually no interest in the children, none in me or my happiness & he drinks a lot. I can see from his mobile phone bill that he speaks to XXXX at least 5 times a week for 1.5 hours or more each time. We are leading totally separate lives. The children (youngest is 15yrs old) want nothing to do with him - all he does is criticise them. I want to end our marriage, he has totally destroyed my trust and treats me like I'm stupid. The house is in his name, I have limited savings, most of our investments are in his name. I feel desperately alone, if it wasn't for my best friend & my children I would have given up entirely.
Any advice gratefully received

Having seen this so many times advice is

Get copys of everything financial
Get bank statements, joint and his
See a solicitor

Don't let on about wanting to leave at all.

He's a lying cheat. You need to retain a solicitor immediately. If you are married, half of the house is yours, and I suggest you start gathering any financial documents you can get your hands on. Start working hard on your exit. This bastard is playing you for a fool.

See a solicitor. You're married and will be granted 50% of everything regardless of whose name is on the bank account, mortgage etc. He has already checked out, you can't be more lonely than this. Take action.

As above posters say with the practical advice.

You deserve so much more than this man.

Then he changed, and became very angry and said how disappointed he was that I'd read his private messages, I should be ashamed of myself

Gaslighting. Switching the blame onto you.
Time to 'put yourself first' and get rid of the lying fucker.

Plan, prep then tell him to fuck right off.

Your poor thing. Good advice from everyone above. Leaving him is what you need to do for you and your kids. Good luck.

Yes, the fact that his name is on stuff is irrelevant if you're married and in the UK. On divorce the assets of both spouses (including pensions) are put together and the total divided up in a way that best meets the needs of both. And given that you're likely to be raising the kids from now on and most likely have taken a career hit while raising them up to now, your needs are greater.
Ring up a number of family solicitors, have an initial (i.e. up to the point where they fish out the terms of engagement and start charging) chat with some of them, pick one, start divorce.

I'm sorry that this has happened but given it has, the quicker you move now, the sooner you'll be out the other side.

He's not having a MLC, he is having an affair

This is how shitty people in the throes of infidelity behave. Don't let him off the hook by blaming it on cod psychology or medicalising it

He is cheating and devaluing you in order to justify it to himself. The only sane thing you can do is walk away.

I've posted on other threads before about being a child in a situation like this.

For the love of god, stand up for yourself and get out. From what you have written, the marriage is clearly over. I saw my mum get put through the wringer with this type of bullshit, and I'm ashamed to admit that it genuinely knocked my respect for her for a very long time.

The best thing you can do for your children is to draw a line. As others have said, you need to get copies of all financial paperwork together quickly and without letting on to your husband what you are intending. See a solicitor ASAP.

Your husband is a cheating scum and you need to realize your marriage is over and prepare to play hardball with him by retaining a shit hot lawyer,stat!

Your H has been having an affair for 18 months+, even admitting to OW, his best friend, and his therapist that he is in love. His primary relationship is clearly with her. He has created distance from you and the children to make room for his infidelity/disloyalty.

I would consult with a solicitor pronto and make plans to separate from this cruel cheat. You and your children are being treated with total contempt and disregard. They are being exposed to a toxic family relationship model.

Solicitor. Now. The house is a marital asset. Do it now while you have parental responsibilities and more clout to get him out.

The way he’s treated you is appalling.

If you are married, half of that house and investments are yours. Your husband is an appalling piece of work (and i seriously doubt that she's got a husband happily going along with this nonsense, either - hes just saying that to try and placate you).

You can't live like this. He may only have one life - but so do you, and you dont deserve to be mugged off like this. At the very least, he needs to go and live somewhere else for a bit while you decide what you want to do.

Yes. You are done. He is a selfish pig. Let him go and you carry in. You will thrive without him.

I have real sympathy for people with eating disorders but I don't think it is unfair to her to say that this OW - who is bad enough to be admitted - is in a very bad place indeed at the moment. One has got to wonder why he is so drawn to a woman who is extremely ill, physically and mentally - at death's door no less.

He has got a problem with alcohol. He is using therapy in a way to shore up the madness rather than to try and really look at himself.

Its not a bog-standard affair where man meets OW and goes off with her - unpleasant and a terrible betrayal, but perhaps for the best in the long run and where something can maybe be salvaged in terms of amicability. This affair seems to have a particularly self-destructive slant to it.

You need to protect yourself and your children from all this.

Thank you all so much, I think you have all confirmed what I really felt, but I was scared to admit. I feel so much more positive having read these messages, and having re-read my own post I realise that if I was reading this about someone else - I'd be saying "leave him, you do not deserve to be treated this way". Once lockdown is over I will see a solicitor.
Thank you all so much, I'm not sure you'll ever realise how much I appreciate all of your comments, but I am feeling 100% better about my future with the children than I did when I wrote the post. ❤ xx

Get angry! Stop letting him treat you like this, you deserve so much better.

Start planning your escape. Get copies of financial documents. Put them somewhere safe. See a lawyer and get your fair share and divorce this lying cheating dickhead.