Hi everyone. I am meant to be writing a uni assignment but I realised something last night that keeps creeping into my head and cannot fully concentrate. I would really appreciate some insight if anyone has a spare few minutes, regarding significant patterns within my past relationships. I am currently single and intend to stay for the forseeable future.
So the most obious reoccurring theme is cheating and exes. In the three long term relationships I have had, every man has still had something for his ex. My first long term he was 18, I was 16, he had split up with his ex two years previous. After around six months of being with him, I told him that I loved him and he quickly changed the subject. That night, I went round to his to watch DVDs and he had put up a framed photo of him and his ex at some kind of prom. He never mentioned it, I was devestated. Several weeks later, he went abroad with family, on his return, he admitted to chaeting on me while away.
the next was my daughters Father, we hit it off immediately, but he once got very drunk on a night out with friends and left me to walk home alone(we lived on a coastal static site, street lights were turned off during off peak season), so I asked him to sleep on the sofa that night as I was so upset. He started shouting for his ex (this was around a year into our relationship mind), kept repeating her name over and over, which confused and upset me. I also developed a sneaky suspicion that there was something going on with one of our co workers ( we worked together). After coming home after spending Christmas with my family in a different town, I received a call on my home phone from a woman telling me she had slept with him and was pregnant. Long story short, it was the co worker, he denied it the remaining four odd years we were together, finally admitted it voluntarily around two years after we split. The last was my most recent arsehole. Our relationship began what I believed to be soon after his split with his ex, however unbeknownst to both me and the ex, this wasn't the case. The first 6 months or so of our relationship, I could not shake the feeling that something was off. His phone was glued to him, and mutual friends had made small comments. He swore blind that there was nothing going on, but a few months in, I couldn't take the paranoia and insecurity anymore and broke up with him and went to stay in a different town for the weekend. We got to talking several weeks later and agreed to meet, had a lovely day out, but he had to tell me something before he went home. Yep, you guessed it, he'd slept with his ex the day after I had broken up with him. She just 'happened' to end up in the same pub as him that night. I messaged the ex several months later, who confirmed they had been messaging and sleeping together the whole time. He continued to deny everything and would to this day if I were to ask him. Even after his ex, he continued to tell me he would be in at a certain time and not answer my calls or texts, stroll in five hours later in the early hours of the morning, and I once found a womans number in his wallet, so it's safe to say he likely cheated with others too.
The interesting thing about all of these scenarios though is that how I responded to them and ultimately ended them all was almost identical. All three messed me around for the first few years, and I was utterly devestated. I had put so much effort in with them all, yet they all cheated and were transfixed on their exes. I carried the hurt with them all but carried on with the intention of forgiving them . Gradually, they all stopped behaving like arseholes and became devoted to me, wove me into their lives, the first seemed really happy living with me and the last two asked me to marry them. By the time they were all the perfect partner, I was emotionally pretty much gone. All the hurt and betrayal had exhausted me and damaged my trust so much that I fell out of love with them. They were all genuinely surprised and devestated when I left, though the third was intermittently physically abusive and had to be removed from my property, we are civil now.
Obviously I am no angel and have often acted as a lunatic would when faced with their admittances or proof of cheating. I have been made to feel like a paranoid fruitcake so many times, by so many men that on hearing it again, my blood has boiled- for example I kicked my ex in the leg when he told me he had spent the night with his ex after I broke up with him, which I am not proud of.
Info that may be relevent- my first ever boyfriend, I was 13 and he treated me appallingly. He would often shoot me at close range with his air gun, belitted me in front of others and appeared only interested in grabbing my arse all the time.
Home life/childhood- Bio Mum left when I was around 5, Dad and Nan (who died 5 years ago)raised me for a few years until The Wicked StepMother came along, who treated myself anf bio brother like something she stepped in- made us eat sour milk on cereal, made us sit in one corner of our bedroom at all times at home, request to go to the toilet, showered us through teen years etc.
Any theories, suggestions or advice for the future would be greatly appreciated, no matter how close to the bone. I do not wish to go through anything like this again.