Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do you think this is normal?

50 replies

robloxnoob · 18/11/2020 10:43

Been with DP 2 years, LDR. So I've been looking at the fb page of a girl he's friends with (we all share a common interest but I don't actually know her) and I've noticed he either 'hearts' or comments on pretty much all of her posts with some sort of mildly flirty banter. I've mentioned to him before that he doesn't accept it when I tag him in stuff and he says he does accept it but doesn't know why it's not showing up on his wall. Sure Hmm

So I've been looking back at my fb this morning and have noticed he's not like any of my posts and might have commented on maybe one since we first started talking which makes me wonder if this is the kind of 'chase' thing he does? This girl is engaged so I can't see anything happening but I'm pretty sure they talk every day (he's on his whatsapp all day long talking to male friends) and I wasn't jealous one bit of him having female friends until I found out recently he'd cheated on me last year. Sounds like a right catch doesn't he!

Would you feel paranoid like I do or would you assume it's just banter? I'm so close to ending things with him for other reasons too but I don't know why I just can't seem to Sad

OP posts:
thisisnotus · 18/11/2020 11:53

No you won't be alone forever but guess what, even if you were it would be better than being with this twat! Get him off your FB and block him properly on all platforms. You're not getting anything positive out of it, this is not what relationships are meant to be like.

jessstan1 · 18/11/2020 11:57

robloxnoob: You'd have no idea we were together if you were to look at his fb.
........
You are not together. He's a boyfriend with whom you have a (very) long distant relationship.

Free yourself.

AleynEivlys · 18/11/2020 11:59

Oh dear. I was in a very similar situation (but without the cheating, at least as far as I know) nearly 8 years ago now!

Low self esteem seems to be key in all of this, judgin by my experience of being in a LDR with a very manipulative/gaslighting man, and his constant 'liking' of crap on Facebook. More than once I also saw private messages he had sent to female 'friends' (some of which he had never even met). They were never overtly deviant enough for me to be truly justified in thinking he was cheating or planning to cheat, but they were fairly flirty and totally unrepresentative of the sort of man he actually was (he always made himself out to be a charming, benevolent knight in shining armour type, while in actual fact he was the king of psychological warfare and horribly emotionally abusive). The fact also remained that if I had so much as said hello to a male friend I would have been absolutely roasted, never mind liking someone's posts or - god forbid - messaging them!

I found it really difficult to confront him about the behaviours that upset me as he always turned it back on me and consistently made out the girls he was speaking to were going through a hard time so he was just trying to give them a 'boost' (how/why I accepted that story so many times I really have no idea). I was unreasonable, mentally ill, he threatened to dump me, etc. and my self esteem was so low and my anxiety so high at that point that I believed him. In fact, I ended up totally relying on him to feel like any sort of person at all, even a shit one. I stayed in that relationship for 6 years.

The end came for me when, yet again, I noticed him showing general interest on Facebook in some girl he had met while rehearsing with his band. Same thing happened when I confronted him about it - I was gaslighted and insulted and he continued the behaviour. And I left him. Just though 'Fuck this' and left him. It was the first and last time I stood up to him in 6 long years.

Don't get me wrong, it was hell after that for a long time. His first line of attack was pretending he had been planning to propose and had picked out a ring (hahaha). When that didn't work, he threatened to kill himself. And when that failed he resorted to saying the most vile things about me, pretended he had hacked me and seen all the 'explicit photos' I had been sending to other men (complete with examples of random women without their faces showing that weren't me, obviously, as I'd never sent anyone any photos!), then topped it all by saying he was going to ruin my life and make sure I could never get a job anywhere.

I changed my email and number and met someone else.

When my first baby was born, I made the mistake of posting a couple of YouTube videos for family, and who should pop up but him, writing 'unfit mother' repeatedly in the comments section and sending me evil messages. In the end I deleted my account, but I have no doubt that he still tries to look me up and stalk me online, and no doubt wishes me great misfortune.

As a result, I have no online presence whatsoever under my real name to this day.

The good news is that my relationship with the 'new' man is still going strong 8 years later, with two beautiful daughters, and a much healthier me.

Just do it. Get out now.

AleynEivlys · 18/11/2020 12:02

Just seen your comment about being alone forever. That was something my ex used to try on me - 'I stay with you because I worry about you. Once your looks have faded you'll have nothing else to recommend you and you'll die alone.'

Didn't happen.

As far as I am aware though, he's still single.

robloxnoob · 18/11/2020 12:07

@AleynEivlys oh my goodness that's absolutely awful. Not to sound twisted but your story makes me feel better in myself that hopefully there will be someone decent after this. Thanks to you for finding your way of getting out of that awful relationship.

OP posts:
AleynEivlys · 18/11/2020 12:14

Of course there will be someone decent for you. And in the highly unlikely event that there isn't, surely it's better to be alone than stuck with someone who makes you feel small, worthless and unlovable.

I do understand though how poor self esteem can make it feel like you need this person though. You don't. His behaviour is not conducive to, or a sign of, a normal, healthy, loving relationship.

I, personally, will never ever let someone treat me that way again. You can change. You can do better than this. You can find your value and respect the fuck out of it and out of yourself, but the first step is dropping the baggage.

I am glad my experience helped you feel a bit better.

Bunnymumy · 18/11/2020 12:15

Absolutely 'noped' at that bs about keeping his private life private (about the relationship status) that's absolute super player bullshit. He would be getting ditched asap for that. Its standard fake bastard chat.

Ding dong ditch him. He is a fake assed patter merchant.

Cocomarine · 18/11/2020 12:30

Ah, the old “will I be alone forever” fear.
Yeah - maybe you will.

What do you pick:

  1. Alone forever, with chance of meeting someone
  2. With a cheating prick who doesn’t give a shit about you
Palavah · 18/11/2020 13:43

What's in it for you beyond this angst?

robloxnoob · 18/11/2020 13:56

@Palavah

What's in it for you beyond this angst?
Because we get on really well Sad
OP posts:
borntohula · 18/11/2020 14:01

@AleynEivlys

Oh dear. I was in a very similar situation (but without the cheating, at least as far as I know) nearly 8 years ago now!

Low self esteem seems to be key in all of this, judgin by my experience of being in a LDR with a very manipulative/gaslighting man, and his constant 'liking' of crap on Facebook. More than once I also saw private messages he had sent to female 'friends' (some of which he had never even met). They were never overtly deviant enough for me to be truly justified in thinking he was cheating or planning to cheat, but they were fairly flirty and totally unrepresentative of the sort of man he actually was (he always made himself out to be a charming, benevolent knight in shining armour type, while in actual fact he was the king of psychological warfare and horribly emotionally abusive). The fact also remained that if I had so much as said hello to a male friend I would have been absolutely roasted, never mind liking someone's posts or - god forbid - messaging them!

I found it really difficult to confront him about the behaviours that upset me as he always turned it back on me and consistently made out the girls he was speaking to were going through a hard time so he was just trying to give them a 'boost' (how/why I accepted that story so many times I really have no idea). I was unreasonable, mentally ill, he threatened to dump me, etc. and my self esteem was so low and my anxiety so high at that point that I believed him. In fact, I ended up totally relying on him to feel like any sort of person at all, even a shit one. I stayed in that relationship for 6 years.

The end came for me when, yet again, I noticed him showing general interest on Facebook in some girl he had met while rehearsing with his band. Same thing happened when I confronted him about it - I was gaslighted and insulted and he continued the behaviour. And I left him. Just though 'Fuck this' and left him. It was the first and last time I stood up to him in 6 long years.

Don't get me wrong, it was hell after that for a long time. His first line of attack was pretending he had been planning to propose and had picked out a ring (hahaha). When that didn't work, he threatened to kill himself. And when that failed he resorted to saying the most vile things about me, pretended he had hacked me and seen all the 'explicit photos' I had been sending to other men (complete with examples of random women without their faces showing that weren't me, obviously, as I'd never sent anyone any photos!), then topped it all by saying he was going to ruin my life and make sure I could never get a job anywhere.

I changed my email and number and met someone else.

When my first baby was born, I made the mistake of posting a couple of YouTube videos for family, and who should pop up but him, writing 'unfit mother' repeatedly in the comments section and sending me evil messages. In the end I deleted my account, but I have no doubt that he still tries to look me up and stalk me online, and no doubt wishes me great misfortune.

As a result, I have no online presence whatsoever under my real name to this day.

The good news is that my relationship with the 'new' man is still going strong 8 years later, with two beautiful daughters, and a much healthier me.

Just do it. Get out now.

Good lord, your ex sounds exactly like mine. Proposed when I left, threatened to kill himself when I said no and then told everyone how awful I was, right down to the 'unfit mother' accusations! I couldn't believe it because he didn't seem to like me that much while we were in a relationship.
TwentyViginti · 18/11/2020 14:05

Because we get on really well

You get on so well he's hidden you on SM. Ok then.

TwentyViginti · 18/11/2020 14:05

Because we get on really well

Yet he cheated on you.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/11/2020 14:07

FFS. Raise your standards. It's incredible the amount of time you are wasting on a disrespectful cheater.

AleynEivlys · 18/11/2020 14:09

@borntohula

Could it possibly have been the same guy?! Envy Lucky us!

TooTrueToBeGood · 18/11/2020 14:12

Because we get on really well

That's a delusion. If you get on really well you wouldn't have started this thread and you wouldn't be "close to ending things with him for other reasons too". You are clearly not happy and it's not hard to see the effect he is having on your self-esteem. Get out before you've lost whatever emotional resilience you have left.

ItsNotNormalLove · 18/11/2020 14:13

Because we get on really well

He humiliated you in front of that woman on Messenger. He cheated on you. He hides you on social media. That's not getting on well. That's real dickhead behaviour. Why do you feel you have to put up with being treated like this? You deserve better and better is out there away from this waste of DNA.

greyhills · 18/11/2020 14:14

@robloxnoob

Not too long ago when I was having a go at him about this girl he put me, her and him into a messenger group conversation and told her I'm having a major meltdown over her and asked her to tell me that nothing is going on. You'd think after I found out he cheated he would want me to feel completely reassured with any of my concerns not be pissed off telling her 'she's having a major fucking meltdown over you now'. Supposedly they only talk about our common interest but when I asked her in this group conversation if she knew why I was feeling like I am she said yes she knew he had cheated, that he'd told her before about it.
And who was it he cheated on you with?

Perhaps she knows about it because it was her all along (or her as well as someone else).

borntohula · 18/11/2020 14:16

@AleynEivlys the one I'm talking about has recently come out of prison. The worst and most likely possibility is that 'men' like that are a common breed. Envy Glad you're in a healthy relationship now. Smile

robloxnoob · 18/11/2020 14:32

@greyhills it wasn't her. It was a girl he's liked since he was younger and basically if she clicks her fingers he runs, I've since found out. I also found out afterwards that cheated on a previous girlfriend with this girl too. She's not interested in him but I think because of this, he can't let go. He's since blocked her but of course with him being far away this is something I can't fully believe as he also has form for lying. He's sounding worse and worse the more I talk Blush

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/11/2020 14:54

[quote robloxnoob]@greyhills it wasn't her. It was a girl he's liked since he was younger and basically if she clicks her fingers he runs, I've since found out. I also found out afterwards that cheated on a previous girlfriend with this girl too. She's not interested in him but I think because of this, he can't let go. He's since blocked her but of course with him being far away this is something I can't fully believe as he also has form for lying. He's sounding worse and worse the more I talk Blush[/quote]
Honestly, I promise you. He is nothing special. He's embarrassingly shit. He's a boring, run of the mill, childish wanker. Imagine spending 10/20/30 years with this man... how exhausting and boring and anxiety inducing it would be. I say this kindly... you need to grow up! Time to think about real life - not who you wish he was / how you wish he was - REAL life. This man is not a suitable partner, he is not a suitable team mate, he is not a suitable coparent.

Stop this absolute madness, cut him loose and move on.

The longer you stay with him the longer you're damaging your mental health and the longer it will be until you can meet someone who isn't so skin crawlingly basic!

greyhills · 18/11/2020 16:36

Ah. So he is still carrying a torch for this girl from years and years ago, and because of that it is only to be FWB with other women. And a serial cheat too, by the sound of it.

And his new GF - I really wouldn't want to be in her shoes.

Cut your losses.

Nackajory · 18/11/2020 16:45

He sounds like a right knob to be honest. You'll be much better off without him. You won't be on your own forever and now youve had experience of such a user you'll be much better equipped to chose someone who actually respects you. Your future is much brighter without him.

robloxnoob · 18/11/2020 22:18

@youvegottenminuteslynn christ 30 years of feeling like this would write me off I think Shock lately I've been feeling very meh about him and he noticed I was off the other day so it's quite obvious how I'm feeling really. Just need to push myself to do it but why oh why can I not just cut the cord? Angry

OP posts:
ItsNotNormalLove · 19/11/2020 03:50

Just need to push myself to do it but why oh why can I not just cut the cord?

It's like ripping a plaster off - you've just got to do it, it'll hurt a little but then it's done! And then your self esteem will improve along with your confidence and then you'll find someone who deserves you.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.