My partner is depressed and it's affecting our relationship

[tinks29]

Hi all

I'm new to the forums and could do with some advice as I don't know where to turn to. My partner who I love dearly told me the other night that he is struggling mentally. I know he is very depressed at the moment and I'm really worried about him. He really needs the gym, and with them being closed at the minute he is just feeling so bad about himself.

To make matters worse he doesn't have a stable job due to COVID, and all the finances have now fallen on my shoulders. I've told him not to worry about them and I would take care of them, but it does add quite a bit of pressure to myself. The other day he completely ignored me and made me feel like sh*t all day, until he eventually told me how he was feeling. He is turning work down because he doesn't want to do it, and it feels like he is delaying doing things that I see are important in order for him to get out there and work.

We both have savings, and last month I had to dip into mine in order for him to keep his. I'm too scared to say anything to him, and don't want to add pressure on him so I just try and support him and hope he'll get out there. He is also telling me things he's thinking of doing (job wise) that he's completely overqualified for, and the pay is pittance.

I want to give him tough love, and tell him to get out of bed in the morning (he was in bed till 9am this morning). I should mention that we have a DC and it's always me that takes her to school in the morning whilst he sleeps. He would prefer to talk to his mates about how he's feeling rather than myself which is difficult, but I think he doesn't want to bother me.

I'm not sure how long I can go like this for because it's affecting our relationship to the point where I hate him being in the house whilst I work, and he's so up and down with me making me feel like crap.

I've been there with a depressed partner and it is bloody hard.

First off I'd be telling him it is unacceptable to turn down work when it's you that's paying the bills

Secondly I wouldn't be dipping into your savings to "top him up" - he needs to understand the implications of his actions employment wise

Thirdly I'd be telling him that whilst you will support him emotionally as much as you can whilst he is feeling this way that he is not to bring it around your child. At the point it starts impacting on your children is the time you pack his bags. He needs to reach out for mental health support - speak to his GP, go on anti D if that's what's needed and start counselling. If he isn't prepared to do those things then he is just going to drag you down and you'll end up resenting him

GP right away, perhaps a little medical help to lift him out of the murk and let him fire up his own engines. Would he exercise outdoors & at home ? A little running and some dumbbell workouts ?

"P, when I said you weren't to worry about finances, I didn't mean you could turn down work and refuse to use your savings"

Great advice from Ivfbeen busy.

Don't top him up from your savings until his own are depleted. You need to talk to him straight and say he MUST see the GP and start getting help. Also, that you understand he is feeling low and wretched but that he shouldn't take it out on you. He can remove himself from contact but must speak you with respect (there is no call for any abusive behaviour to start to become embedded).

He can do workouts from home - no end of them on YouTube or better still he could go outside for a run or a long walk/hike.

I read this book many years ago and remember it did help a little
www.amazon.co.uk/Depression-Fallout-Impact-Couples-Preserve-ebook/dp/B0012GTZBG/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1605700142&sr=8-1

It is so hard, I know. Think about boundaries you might put in place. Perhaps insist he do some small tasks to help around the home: e.g. take DC to school. Look after yourself and your own MH for the sake of your DC.

Thank you all for your replies. Feels good to write down what's been happening so it's not just in my own head .

I agree that it's not right that I'm having to foot the bill for everything now, and I'm worried I'm going to have to dip back into my savings again this month (although I will get a grant by the end of the month which will help massively).

I've just been downstairs and he's sat on his laptop doing an online course (he paid £200 for this and imo doesn't need to do it). He's brilliant at what he does, and I can't help get angry that I'm working as much as possible (I'm self-employed and my work has been very slow at late)and he could be working right now, but instead he's doing this course which he could do alongside working. I know I need to remain calm about the situation but I just don't know how to approach it. We do most of our talking in bed, so I'll try and phrase what I need to say in a way that doesn't offend or upset him.

He fortunately doesn't let his moods affect his relationship with DD, and always puts on a front for her (although I've found myself making excuses so we don't have to go home straight away when I pick her up from school).

I really don't think he will go to see a GP. He has a complex history of taking medication (he was on sleeping tablets when he was 15 and has finally managed to come off them all)I think having to take any kind of anti-depressant will plunge him further into a depressed state.

The gym is a very important part of his life. He trains quite religiously and I've reassured him he has a lovely body but he's beginning to get upset that he's lost muscle. He's turned our garage into a bit of a home gym and I thought he was doing fine, but it's not quite the same as a real gym and he is angry that he can't bulk the way he needs to. I do understand as I train pretty regularly myself, but I'm more flexible with putting on the pounds as I know I'll lose them again when this lockdown is over

I'll speak to him tonight anyway as although I feel mentally strong, I'm feeling quite isolated by his behaviour. Although this was a negative first post, I really appreciate your responses and hopefully other posts are more cheerful. xx

If he won't see the GP ot take meds then check your GP's website or the local health authority one. You may be in an area where you can self refer online for counselling.

If he won't take meds then he needs therapy.

How long has he been out of work?

Encourage him to see the GP. Antidepressants won't make him more depressed. They're nothing like sleeping pills.