Would you stay in a loveless marriage?

[soozeymcfloozey]

History...been married 25 years, grown up dc. Together from a young age.

We've had our ups and downs over the years, but through it all I always felt love for him and could never contemplate being apart. When I say ups and downs, I mean general falling out over domestic things when the kids were little, nothing too major. No abuse etc.

For about the last five years I've just felt my love dwindling away. Lots of things he does seems to annoy me, habits that never used to bother me now wind me up. I find some of his behaviours childish and irritating. We have perfunctory sex maybe once a month, no affection in between.

On a day to day level we get along okay though, and we do have some common interests (we both like to travel for example)

I'm just so torn. I don't have any desire to try and meet anyone else, but I often fantasise about living on my own! It's such a huge decision though, to cast off someone who I've spent more than half my life with. The thought of sorting out all the finances and selling the house etc just feels insurmountable. I'm aware the grass isn't always greener too.

I wouldn't want to stay in a loveless marriage, but at your age, or what I presume to be your approximate age, I would be wondering if peri-menopause/menopause might be effecting the way you feel, especially the irritation. This is very common during peri and menopause. Just something to think about.

It's a good question. I have 3 boys, married for 10 years. He is a good man in many ways. Kind, considerate, loyal, wonderful father. He is also - although no-one knows this - very cold physically. No french kisses unless during sex, no sex unless initiated by me, and then only if he has a few days notice, and (currently) once every 2 months at the most. Before we married, he said he had a low sex drive, but at least then it was once a week, and he was very generous. How naive I was not to listen to what he was telling me. He never lied.
So I can't help OP, but I do know that when the kids are older I am looking forward to a life of excitement. Either through an affair or seperating. I'm 42 now, but my youngest is a baby. In 20 years I'll be in my 60s, but by God I aim to be gorgeous then.
I know one thing. I would never live with a man again. If we did breakup, I would have a date with a rich lothario every saturday. No commitment. Maybe sex. Nothing more. X

I couldn’t, I prefer to be on my own.

I left a loveless marriage a year ago and never once regretted it.
Organising finances is easier than you think.

Separation is a huge financial cost as most bills are similar but now you have half the income to cover them yourself.

I couldn’t do it. Those little things about him that annoy you are just going to grow to be major things. If there are no young dc in the picture then I would leave. I’d rather be alone than around someone every day that their bare existence annoys me

No I wouldn’t and didn’t - my marriage also involved emotional abuse, but even “just” the lack of love takes a huge toll.

Hmmm, I suggest you try to rekindle your sexual connection first. Sex is the glue in an LTR, I find that I can forgive my DW quite a lot because we have a powerful sexual desire for each other.

If you are satisfied in that respect you may find his other behaviours less irritating.

In your circumstances no. Unless you have young DC there really is no reason to force yourself to live with someone who irritates the shit out of you. Life's too short!

I did. But I was happier after we split up.

It would take a lot for me to want to go through the upheaval of a separation and shared parenting. I'm pretty change resistant in general though.

We won't have to worry about shared parenting but I do worry about finances. The house is paid for but he is the high earner, my income is variable because I'm self employed.

I am peri/menopausal but I've started hrt so maybe that will help, it could be why I'm finding him more annoying...however I feel he is growing more "grumpy old man" as well. He overreacts to small things. Both of the dc have said to me "I don't know how you put up with him" which suggests it's not just my menopausal mind doing the talking.

I think in normal times the difficult moments are punctuated by lovely holidays, enjoyable days out at the weekends, getting together with friends etc, and now all that has gone, it's shining a light on the true state of our marriage. We also both have external stresses as well as lockdown to contend with so I suppose I need to make sure I don't rush into anything I might regret.

I’m not sure how old you are but like one of the previous posters I do wonder if menopause/perimenopause is a factor here, given it’s developed over the last 5 years. I think a lot of women find their feelings for their partners shift during the lead up to menopause, as their sex drive changes and the little habits that used to only annoy them occasionally really start to grate. Hormones can really affect how we feel about our partners and what pisses us off about them! That doesn’t mean you should stay in the marriage, but you may want to consider whether it’s worth waiting a while longer to see how you feel a little further down the line.

It's definitely been gradually building over the last few years, but does it get better when the menopause is done?

I think I have to at least wait until life is back to "normal" before making any life changing decisions.

I wouldn’t leave a loveless marriage that’s produced children. I love my children too much to want to separate them from their father but my goodness! I get where you are coming from. I just couldn’t & wouldn’t do it , purely on it being loveless.

I left my ex because I love my children. However imperfectly.

@soozeymcfloozey your situation resonates with me completely. Like you, I have a decent husband who apparently still loves me, but I am getting to the point where I actively dislike him. I'm also perimenopausal, l so I know that hormones are probably contributing, but I didn't know loathing of husband was a symptom! Habits of his that I once barely noticed now drive me crazy. We share virtually no common interests. His spending makes me anxious. I have fallen out of love but we have a sweet, happy 12 year whose life I just can't bring myself to disrupt. I also feel respect for my husband as a person with integrity, even though I don't feel in love any more.

You say your children are grown up - so separation/divorce wouldn't impact on them too much. Do you imagine you could be on civil terms with your husband if you separated? Can you communicate? I guess sex and communication are the most important thing. If you think you would be happy with a drop in quality of life standards could you go for a trial separation? Could you rent somewhere to give yourself time to think? Imagine your husband suddenly said to you he wanted separation or divorce, how would you feel, would you welcome this?

I would hope we could remain civil. I don't really have the money to afford a flat right now unfortunately, and we have a dog that I would want with me.

To be honest, the one thing we don't do very well is communicate , we have never been great talkers when it comes down to nitty gritty stuff. Add to the fact that we have the dc living here for lockdown means we don't really get much time on our own for talking.

I think I probably need to plod on for a while until they have moved out and life gets back to some normality before I can make any life changing decisions.

Habits of his that I once barely noticed now drive me crazy.
Like the way he breathes/eats? Literally loads of things drive me mad now. Tiny little habits that I hardly noticed before make me inwardly scream. I've started hrt so I'm hoping that will help.

@soozeymcfloozey

Habits of his that I once barely noticed now drive me crazy. Yes, the eating, breathing and weird chomping of teeth, plus the way he sprays way too much aftershave all over his face and neck. I have tried to tell him this for the last 15 years but still haven't managed to make him understand I find it very unattractive. I've just made him sound like a freak but I expect others barely notice these things.

Like you, I feel the current situation limits any plans. But just to give some perspective, my mother left when we had all left home (I think she was about 53) and found love and a new life on a nurse's salary. But I agree, finances are very daunting.

Personally no I would not, but I have my own house that I own and my own job and money so I don't rely on anyone.
It really depends of your circumstances, if it's a choice between living on my own with the children on benefits or living with a man I don't love in comfort I might well have gone for the latter.
You have more choices if you are independent.

And....menopause is bloody awful, I hated everyone during it so it could be temporary. See how you go on HRT it does help such a lot and you may feel differently. Don't rush into anything.