I'm jealous to the pit of my stomach

[Weusedtosing]

I'm in a failing marriage and currently, DH and I continue living together whilst he refuses to move out and I have nowhere to go.

I'm in the process of getting my ducks in a row and will be financially independent in around 6 months time, when I intend to leave him.

We have 2 DCs and we are living together very amicably as it stands, but it is cold, dysfunctional and there is no love here.
I'm a very loving person by nature and I've had to train myself to be cold and unfeeling and practical to get us through this horrible phase. But, I'm struggling a lot deep down. When friends are celebrating wedding anniversaries or talking about cosy nights at home with DH when kids are in bed, or telling me about plans they're making, I feel so jealous, envious and even a bit hateful.

I don't want to feel like this.

I'm somebody who has always made an effort in all areas of my life: my career, my kids, my home so to be failing at the most important relationship in my life makes me so sad. I want to be like other people, not perfect, but in a supportive, loving marriage. Ours is so passed it. DH doesn't seem to value love or closeness at all. He's been like this since DC1 came along and it's never improved. He used to be so loving and seemed to really value me, now I just feel like his housekeeping staff.

I don't want to feel like this about other people, I want to be happy for them. I guess I'm posting as a way of confessing that I'm finding the happiness of others very hard to deal with. I wish I didnt.

[LilyWater]

OP have you both gone for couple's counselling? Kids completely change relationships and it's common for things to go off course during the stress and change of children.
It's common to feel jealous of others but remember that none of the friends you mention will have perfect marriages and there's no way of knowing what is truly happening behind their closed doors.

[PurpleMustang]

@Etinox thank you posting that picture. Just what I need right now. I knew it but is amazing to see it as a visual thing.
@Iyiyi thank you for posting about telling the kids different doesn't necessarily mean bad. Telling them soon and this will be good to say and to remember myself!

[PurpleMustang]

It is so hard to see everyone updating about their 'perfect' lives and 'making memories' when you know its all for show and that you can't even fake that much effort as its all a lie. I'd rather be honest and not post than put a fake version up

[LilyWater]

@summersolstice43

Its a horrible position to be in as I've been there so fully understand. I've been on my own for 9 years now and I hate the conversations at work where my colleagues are complaining about their partners and saying I'm lucky I don't have that, fair enough if they think I'm lucky then I think they are delusional. But on the flip side when they talking about doing the whole family thing together and going on date nights and having someone cook their tea for them getting home I feel jealous, I'd love to have someone cook for me, run me a bath, share the bills and mortgage etc. I don't think we're ever truly happy with what we have unfortunately.

I think the last sentence is the crux of it and we're all guilty of it. There's nothing in the OP's post that's a dealbreaker or that unusual in a relationship with very young children. It's a stage of life that usually improves as the kids get older but you have to work through it to get through the other side. Of course things are easier in practical ways without kids, but how many women in marriages with no child stress, but struggling to conceive would kill to be in the OP's position?! Plus leaving is no guarantee of happiness. You'll experince loneliness and good men are thin on the ground because naturally these would be the ones still in their marriages.

[Windmillwhirl]

To quote the 'Sunscreen song':
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...
The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself

[Weusedtosing]

Love the lyrics @windmillwhirl
Sorry I don't have time to reply to everyone.

I have left the details for the split out of the OP @lilywater as I'd need a whoooole new thread on the reasons why.

There have been plenty of dealbreakers, believe me. We very much dislike each other. After a lot of problems for a long time, the crux as it stands is that I do not enjoy his company at all anymore.