To think I should tell someone? (Trigger warning: selfharm)

[selti]

Hoping for some advice

My ex always

Sorry posted too soon

My ex always used to speak to me about his feelings etc. We mutually split up a few weeks ago as he told me his head was messed up but I still told him I was here for him and we are still friends.

We have to self isolate because there's a covid case in our sixth form and I've been texting him so today I asked him if he's ok and he said he's fine but told me he did something stupid the other day and he told me he cut himself. He told me that his 'friends' were calling him an attention seeker and feminine for talking about his feelings. And he told me not to tell anyone because they'd just worry and he said he shouldn't have told me and told me to forget he said anything.

Wwyd? Aibu if I got involved and told simeone? Can I have some advice please

That's tricky.

It sounds like he has told people, and been teased for it.

Is there a welfare officer of some kind at the sixth form?

He said that he told them he hates life and then they called him an attention seeker. He said he doesn't want anyone else to know except me.

Yes I think there is a welfare officer at sixth form but we won't be back until next week

You need to email a member of staff in your sixth form urgently - preferably the head of sixth form. They will pass the info along to the safeguarding lead. Someone needs to speak to this boy asap and he needs support.

Please don't wait until next week. Do it now.

Is this a child or adult? I assumed adult but pp is making me doubt myself?! If an adult then suggest he gets help. Telling you is the first step. I think it's too much, as an ex, to be there for him all the time. If a child I would encourage him to talk to a teacher.

He's almost 18. I'm worried that if I tell someone he won't talk to anyone and he always says that I'm the only person he trusts. I'm there for him as I care about him and we're still really good friends and I'm 13 weeks pregnant with his baby.

Tell someone, OP. I was a self harmer (I relapse occasionally) and it's better to get help particularly if it's early on and particularly if there's a baby on the way. Get help before it becomes an addiction.

Thanks for your replies

I'll tell someone I'm just worried about him and because I'll be betraying his trust 😕

Sometimes you betray the trust of people in order to help them -obviously a different situation but for example therapists are duty bound to report if their patients are seriously suicidal or homocidal for example. Not comparing the situations, but just know you're doing this for the good of him and yourself (and your baby) and not as an act of betrayal.

Thank you for your replies. I'll tell someone today

Try and encourage him to talk to either Samaritans or Childline.

I wouldnt break his trust at this stage but encourage him to go to the doctor and perhaps enquire about anti depressants.

He won't talk to anyone and he said he won't go to the doctor as he said everyone will know. I haven't told anyone yet and I just don't know what to do 😕

If you encourage him to talk to Samaritans or Childline, it will be confidential (including not showing up on phone bills, I don't think) so there's no risk of "everyone knowing". If he refuses to do that, you need to go to the head of sixth form or Pastoral Care if you have a direct route to that. I mean this kindly, but if he's not coping well then everything can go very pear-shaped very quickly when a baby is thrown into the mix.

He said he doesn't want to talk to anyone because they 'wont do anything' and he shouldn't have told me. He said he might talk to his tutor but I'm not sure if he will. If not I'm going to tell the head of sixth form but I know he will be quite annoyed with me

I emailed the head of sixth form and he said he doesn't know why he trusted me and that I made everything worse

You've done the right thing. Look after you and the baby. x

Maybe he could contact Calm www.thecalmzone.net/
They are a men's charity for mental health issues and certainly won't be telling him that he's too feminine. Even if he just browses the site, that's a start.

Please don't let him make you feel guilty for trying to help. You are being a caring girlfriend. There is help out there for him but he needs to find it himself

You've done the right thing. One of my sons self harmed on and off for years and I know quite a lot about it.

The main thing that stands out to me is that he needs better friends. Not you - you're a brilliant friend - but the boys telling him he's feminine are useless. Immature, old fashioned... Please tell him he deserves better. There are lots of lads with empathic, compassionate attitudes towards MH conditions. Perhaps you could suggest he could turn away from his current so-called friends.

Don't hesitate to let people know if you're worried about your friend. Do his parents know? Are you in touch with them? Would they be supportive? Parents vary so much. My son's long term gf used to self harm and we stopped involving her parents because they made matters worse, and she was living with us anyway.

You have done the right thing, and it was also the only thing you could have done to help.

If someone wanted to jump off the bridge, you wouldn't just say: oh ok, go ahead then, if that's what you want. You just wouldn't agree with someone who's not mentally well, instead you would do what's best for them, even if it's not what they're asking you to do.

By doing what you've done you're also teaching your ex to take responsibility over his wellbeing and to seek professional help, and that's the only route to getting better long term. Sharing with friends provides short term comfort, professional help is there to help build long term coping skills.

All the best. X