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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know what I want anymore

10 replies

elleaddams · 17/11/2020 15:41

I'm looking for some advice or wisdom. Part of the problem is that i don't know what i want anymore and am wondering if how i am feeling is a blip everyone goes through, almost like a moment of weakness. I feel like there must be more in life? More warmth and love from a OH and their family and just the feeling it gives you.

For context, I have been with my OH since we left school, we aren't married but have a 5 year old son together after i fell pregnant at 21. There is one thing without a doubt, I love my OH very much. Not just in a caring way but I am still in love with him. I just can't shake the feeling that he isn't the right "forever" person for me. But unsure if lockdown has made this a phase?

There have been clues to this over the past couple of years, but I have shaken it off because we are a family. However, it's got worse. He is quite traditional in a womans role in the house, which i don't mind but i have always worked, i have a really good job with a great salary, i never wanted to be consumed by being a mother. So i have never let it be that way and continued to balance running a home, working full-time, being a mother and doing courses to further my career. He doesn't stop me, but I can tell he doesn't approve and i think would rather i was a housewife at times. He isn't horrible in any way and tells me to do this - I just know him very well.

Another is marriage. He doesn't care about marriage which isn't what bothers me, because he would get married. he would essentially take it or leave it. I do want to get married, it is important to me, I just don't want the wedding. We spoke to some friends over Facetime who got married after lockdown 1.0 and the friend said he was struggling getting used to wearing a ring. My OH blurted out that he would never wear a ring and wouldn't wear anything, not even a watch or ring on a necklace. I don't think it's his not wanting to wear it that bothers me. But more the stubbornness to not even consider it, think of wearing something as it's important to me, and that it highlights another thing in life we want different.

Finally, his family. I'll keep it short as I'm rambling. They are horrible to me. Mostly when OH isn't around. They think I should be there to wipe my OH's backside essentially and they don't even hide it. They hate that I'm a worker and that I manage to juggle everything. My dad tells me they're jealous as they never worked but that's my dad 🤣

Is it possible to love someone, have a family but it not be right? Thinking maybe you deserve more? Hoping this will make sense to some of you. Wisdom is welcome! (Please don't be a d**k in your comments, I'm just confused)

OP posts:
tickertyboo · 17/11/2020 19:09

Sounds like you both have different values and beliefs.

Does it bother you that his family are unable to work? Maybe your behaviour towards them is causing tension?

Why do you think that you 'deserve more'? If you're not happy in the relationship then become a single parent. All of us are imperfect; either accept your partner's flaws or move on.

user15368536798589 · 17/11/2020 19:13

He is quite traditional in a womans role

He doesn't care about marriage

He's not traditional, he's a misogynist.

You do deserve better than the life you're living. You deserve a partner who support and encourages you, and who is thrilled to see you pursuing interests and feeling fulfilled.

Loving someone (or feeling very attached to someone who has been your first and I my adult relationship) doesn't mean it's right for you to continue a relationship with them.

user15368536798589 · 17/11/2020 19:17

Working full time AND doing everything for the children and at home is not even a "traditional" role for a wife anyway! That's being treated as a skivvy.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2020 19:22

He is quite traditional in a womans role in the house, which i don't mind but i have always worked, i have a really good job with a great salary, i never wanted to be consumed by being a mother. So i have never let it be that way and continued to balance running a home, working full-time, being a mother and doing courses to further my career. He doesn't stop me, but I can tell he doesn't approve and i think would rather i was a housewife at times. He isn't horrible in any way and tells me to do this - I just know him very well.

Have you ever really talked about this? You say you "can tell" how he feels, but has he actually expressed it? Could you be inferring this due to his family's thoughts on the matter?

elleaddams · 17/11/2020 21:33

@user15368536798589

He is quite traditional in a womans role

He doesn't care about marriage

He's not traditional, he's a misogynist.

You do deserve better than the life you're living. You deserve a partner who support and encourages you, and who is thrilled to see you pursuing interests and feeling fulfilled.

Loving someone (or feeling very attached to someone who has been your first and I my adult relationship) doesn't mean it's right for you to continue a relationship with them.

Thank you for understanding what I was getting across!
OP posts:
bubblecity · 18/11/2020 02:53

Is he really all that traditional if he doesn't want marriage or a wedding ring? I agree with pp who said that loving someone doesn't mean the relationship should continue. you can't be happy longterm if you constantly feel like you're being forced into a box. it sounds like you don't meet his and his family's "traditional" expectations, they will never be happy with your lifestyle choice... and it also sounds like he doesn't meet your perfectly reasonable expectations of a longterm partner or have a compatible vision of what your life and future looks like.

RantyAnty · 18/11/2020 03:01

Does your DH work and does he do his fair share of childcare and housework? Are you better educated and make more than he does?

Muchadoaboutlife · 18/11/2020 03:26

Sounds like he just wants his own way all the time and what you want isn’t of importance to him. You talked about his family. Now you know where he gets it from. It’s learned behaviour. I really think you’d be much happier with somebody who appreciated you and had the same values

Badwill · 18/11/2020 07:16

"Traditional" but doesn't want to marry you? Wants his cake I reckon.

Comes from a family of wasters and wants you to emulate them? Fuck that!

Yes you do deserve more OP. This sort of thing is common when you get together young. You've outgrown him. Most women shudder/cringe at the thought of their first boyfriends - I certainly wouldn't marry mine! You can still care for him but want more for yourself.

Alys20 · 18/11/2020 07:20

Hi OP, what you are saying about his family's attitude towards you mean that you have fundamentally different values about family. Which is not a basis for a successful marriage, it's a recipe for disaster.

From your post, it seems you do know what you want, you're just not saying it loud enough. You do deserve better. Don't doubt yourself!

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