I don't know what to do

[fatandfifty49]

I don't know where to start with this.

I am really struggling to get on with my DH. I have been with him for 25 years and, lately, on and off, I have been thinking I would be happier without him.

My situation is that I have 2 children under the age of 18. I work 30 hours a week in a mundane, poorly paid job. I have no means of providing for them on my own. I am trying to take DH out of the equation regarding money because a, he can be tight with it and b, my eldest is in 6th form and will not qualify for maintenance forever - or indeed, any other form of child support.

Has anyone ever been in this situation and turned it around - either by working on the marriage or by going it alone?

Do you think you could work on the marriage? What would have to change in order for it to make it viable?

Make a wee list... if you think you're are asking the impossible then you're better off alone.

We had a blazing row the other night - chiefly about his constant comments on my weight. I would like this to stop as well as the other criticism and the digs that I am should be doing housework while I am not at work - for example, when I have come off a late shift. I have a manual job and am absolutely shattered most of the time but he makes me feel as if I am lazy. .

I would also like him to be more involved with the children- not necessarily physically at this stage, but definitely emotionally.

He actually says he realises he has to change and he will try but I don't think he can sustain it. Only this morning, I have my youngest at home self-isolating and he suggests I do chores while my son does online school.

I just feel like his servant and that I am here to be the little wifey and am here just to serve and gratify him.

If you're doing all the house/child work as well as working... what is he doing?

This really wouldn't work for me OP. I think you're right. You're the home help- not someone he sees as an equal.

What chores does he do?

How would he feel if you have him a rota splitting housework 50/50?

It's not that he doesn't do any housework at all because he will happily do the shopping, the garden, put a load of washing on, cook at weekends but it just feels, with these kind of comments, that there is the expectation that it is my job. He will sometimes remind me before he leaves for work that the bed needs changing or something or he will ring up and ask what I am up to and will make a joke that there are 'chores to be done.'

This is something I will rarely do when I am going to work when he's at home unless it's something I've forgotten and I feel it really needs doing. And while I am at work, I am just too busy to worry about what he is doing and check he's not watching telly or dicking about on his phone.

I don't know how he'd feel about a rota. Worth a try, though. It might remind him (and the kids) of the fact that the house is a team.

Could you try saying "if you want us to study married you need to stop right now with this "are there chores to be done shit"

Or calmly explain you no longer feel like his wife just his housemaid and that makes him unattractive to you.

Oh yes, I have told him all this and have various comebacks:

I am not the maid,
I am not a cleaner. If I wanted to be one, I would have got a job as one
I'm here for the children, not the house
There are two adults in this house

It will shut him up for a bit but what it boils down to is that he cannot sit still and can't understand why anyone else would want to. It doesn't matter how much I explain why this job makes me so tired and, added to that, all the home stuff, it feels too much. The problem is that, even when he is tired, he keeps going.

This week, I have had a week off as my youngest is isolating and I feel so much more relaxed. Down time is and always has been very important to my wellbeing and so I feel he views this need as a weakness and that he thinks I am a lazy fat slob

what it boils down to is that he cannot sit still and can't understand why anyone else would want to

Well, that and the fact he clearly has no respect for you and consider you his inferior.

TBH if you work 30 hours a wk I would say you would have more time to chores then him. But i do think there is an expetation that if one not working one should be able to do x,y and z. (and this isn,t just because your female I have been guilty with my husband.) Do share things such as cooking, washing up extra. Get the kids to help. I write up a chore list and get my children to choose a chore and I have a washing up rota for the kids. TBH I never get to the end of my list.

I do have more time, yes, but can't fit all the chores in without feeling completely exhausted with no time for myself. I do grab a bit of time regardless but he makes me feel guilty for sitting around but that is how I unwind, whereas he would go for a walk, cycle, no matter how tired he was, whereas I would curl up with a book or Netflix.

Also, because I work shifts, I will be relaxing when everyone is busy but then he forgets that I need to conserve my energy on my late shifts or I arrive at work shattered and then have to drag myself through it til 12. He seems to treat them as days off.

The fact you work shifts is interesting as working nights does effect our bodies. It has been shown to be quite negative in the long term.

It's more twilight than nights and I only do two as the rest of the time I start at 9. But, yes, it does mess with your sleep and I think it may be messing with my weight, too