Flashbacks to past affair

[FortuneSailedAway]

NC for this because of nature of post.

I had an affair 5 years ago. My lovely DH knows about it and the OM and I have been completely no contact (blocked each other everywhere) ever since I confessed.

It was mostly an EA, but on just one occasion we slept together. On that night, I was very very drunk so I cannot fully remember what happened. I just had flashbacks of moments and things said but couldn't really string it all together - how it ended up happening, what actually happened etc.

Over the years, those memories had faded and I'd basically forgotten. But suddenly this week they've come back really intensely, like more is resurfacing. It's a very odd and disconcerting feeling and making me feel a whole mix of sad, guilty, lots of other feelings chucked in there too.

Why would they just suddenly come back like this and is there any way to get lost memories back so you can bury them once and for all?

op everyone makes mistakes and it sounds like you've really tried to make amends for this one. it sounds like you're feeling a bit of residual guilt, which is a good thing because it shows you aren't a cold, unfeeling monster! i haven't had an affair but have found that EMDR therapy has helped me reconcile with myself where i've had feelings of guilt, uneasiness and past trauma. when my therapist first explained how EMDR works, i though it was some crazy, new-agey nonsense, but i gave it a try anyway. it really works! it might be hard to access during covid where most, if not all, counselling is done virtually, but it's certainly something you could look into.

www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

I second what @bubblecity has said. I've had EMDR to help me process childhood SA. Although I still have MH issues, the distressing flashbacks I used to have to deal with have almost completely disappeared. It also really helped me process my feelings.

However, you would also benefit from talking therapy to help you come to terms with what happened and make peace with it. You really need to forgive yourself; your DH has forgiven you so you shouldn't allow your past mistake to destroy what you have with him.

I also want to add that guilt and remorse can be beneficial emotions if you use them to learn from your mistakes and not repeat them. However, you do not need to punish yourself endlessly for the same mistake. I agree with the pp that talk therapy can help you to forgive yourself even if you can't bring back those lost memories and flashbacks. Good luck

Have you accessed any couples or individual counselling services? Ultimately I think trying to dig up these memories so you can "bury" them never works, to a certain extent (in my view) you have to sit with the discomfort of these memories and then after a while their sharpness will soften and you will find some release. However, of course don't sit with any emotions that make you feel at risk / are severely affecting your life in any context.

Have you spoken to your DH about this resurfacing?

@berrygirlie No, haven't mentioned to DH because he has also coped by just burying the whole thing deep underground - although we did indeed do couples counselling back at the time and spent a lot of time talking it over then. I think if I brought it up now, even in the context of not being happy about having these memories, it would understandably trigger insecurity and feeling threatened in him which I really don't want to do. It isn't at all pleasant though because those kind of memories, even though I've not asked to be having them, inevitably come with conflicted lustful feelings and make me feel like I'm having fantasies I shouldn't be having. It feels like I'm doing something wrong that I cant control, when I just want them to go away and leave me in peace. I realise it was my own fault for creating them in the first place. But I can't think why they've surfaced now....me and DH are not in any kind of tough time. I'm not feeling guilty about anything. I am anxious about work, but nothing else. And there had been nothing to make me remember the OM. Just one moment, there was a particular situation that was sort of reminiscent and BAM they flooded back, in bits and pieces, and now are appearing in my sleep too. Yuck.