Cheating suspicion from 8/9 years ago

[NM90]

Hello,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 12 years. I was 17 when we got together and he was 18. I’m now 29 and he’s 30.
When we were younger in our teens and early 20’s he went out clubbing a lot (that’s what the younger years are for right!)
His group of friends used to go out clubbing quite often with a group of girls when they were all between 19 and 21. I knew of these girls because one of them tagged him in a post once. I asked who they were and he said they were friends.
I had suspicions when I was about 20, about one girl in particular, I messaged her and she replied to say that I had nothing to worry about.
I’m now 29 and yesterday I had a suggested friend pop up on Facebook, it was my boyfriends friend. I clicked on his profile and because he hasn’t been on Facebook for years, all the posts from 2011/2012 were right there. I read a few comments that made me more suspicious about my boyfriend and this particular girl.
Me and my boyfriend are in a really good place at the moment, are planning to have our first baby soon and I have no reason to suspect that he’s been unfaithful in the last 7 or 8 years.
I have never been unfaithful, maybe some harmless flirting with a guy from work but I’ve never kissed anybody or taken it further.
Now I don’t know whether to speak to him about it or leave it in the past.
I don’t want to cause issues, do I speak to him and let him know what I’ve seen, or do I put it down to some harmless flirting from when he was young? We’ve basically grown up together from teens to adults.
Thank you!

I think it will just weigh on your mind so it is better to ask him about it. I would tread gently so that it is clear he can be open about the possibility they kissed back then etc. If you can have this conversation now it'll put you in a stronger position for having a ltr and managing challenges openly, together.

Thank you for your reply 😊

I don't think you can unsee what you saw now. Years ago or not it will still potentially upset you. I'd screenshot and ask your boyfriend calmly. Say it's bothering you and you'd like him to be honest.

Thank you!

Google "sunk costs fallacy".

Think of it like a purchase and it's advertised with a defect vs you find out last minute about the defect. It's so easy to talk yourself into going ahead with a bad purchase, a bad plan, a bad wedding, simply because of all the time, money, love put in already. You tell yourself it will be fine, when history inform you that it almost certainly won't be. Google also "cognitive dissonance". You're in disbelief of objective facts before your very eyes. He may have seemed great, but you have new information, and he is not great.

Ask yourself - would you seriously date him as a new boyfriend, with view to marriage and babies, if you immediately knew he was cheating on nights out with his mates, cheating with female mates, with the full knowledge of all the other mates? Knowing that each time he goes out, with these and other mates, he could be shagging about again?

That's your answer. You can do better for the father of your children. You can do better for yourself and for those future children. I don't want to see you back on the relationships board in 4 years time, married, on mat leave with 2 kids, a mortgage you couldn't pay by yourself, no money and a cheating husband.

I don't know if I agree with the pp. At those ages he was still a reckless teen. The brain isn't fully developed we now know until age 25, so young 20 year olds often make impulsive decisions particularly in relationships that they wouldn't make as a 30 year old. 8 or 9 years ago is not who he is now, unless he is still going out with seperate friends to you, and then this could cause long term trust issues, but this tends to be a teen thing.

Thank you, really thought provoking. At the very least I feel from yours and other responses that I need to find out what, if anything, happened. After knowing him for 12 years, I’m confident I could work out if he’s lying or not.

Didn't you used to go out with him on those nights out?

Sorry that reply was to the comment on the post above not this one.
In response to your comment, I really do agree that we are different people from teens to adults and we go through so many changes.
He doesn’t go out with other people anymore and invites me to wherever he’s going now anyway the majority of the time (unless it’s just the boys). He rarely really goes clubbing and stuff anymore it’s mainly us going for dates or relaxing.
The thing I don’t know, is whether to leave it down to the fact that he was young & reckless and nothing might have even happened, but do I speak to him about it or is this going to open us up to issues that we aren’t having at the moment. Thanks

No I never went with him ever back then and he wouldn’t have asked me to. He doesn’t really go out much now, when he does, he asks me to come, but mainly we just go out together.

Leave it back in the past. In the grand scheme of your very long relationship it is immaterial. If he admitted it, would that make you appreciate his honesty or would it end the relationship? You were both very young to be in your exclusive, forever relationship.

If you’re right then would you split over something that happened so long ago? If not then I’d leave it in the past; you can ask him and he’ll probably say no either way and you still won’t know the truth. If he hasn’t done anything then he’ll be hurt and it’ll have caused issues over nothing and if he has done something then you still won’t know.

Sounds to me like you have grown into a good relationship. My best friend has been with her husband since they were 15 and I know she cheated on him when she was 17 and 20. They are now nearly 50 and couldn't be more together. I think it's very different in a relationship that transitions from young person, young adult, full on grown up.

It really depends how your feel about it.

If it’s upsetting you, then ask him. If it’s not, because you believe it’s far enough in the past (and in your early relationship) to not matter, then don’t.

I’m honestly not sure what I would do.

Thank you, no idea how I would react if he admitted it, I doubt he would ever admit, but I expect I could work out the answer from his response.

Thank you! Your name put a smile on my face! ☺️

Personally I’d leave it. Sounds like you are Both in a good place and that he has grown up a lot.

Thank you, I think it’s unlikely that after all this time I’d walk away (but I couldn’t be sure). Maybe i’d go through a lot of heartache going through it all and then stay with him anyway. He is a VERY different person now.

Thank you 😊

There are no guarantees with anyone NM. Even if you did walk away, there is no guarantee that the next Mr Right would be batter. He may be worse! As the above poster said, people change a lot over the years and what you do at 20 you wouldn’t do at 30. I know someone who has been with their husband for 38 years since she was 14. She had an affair in her early 20’s that he doesn’t know about but it was just one of those panic moments for her I think and very short lived. She has recently celebrated her 30th wedding anniversary and has a couple of grandkids and they are as happy as two pigs in shit. Life is complicated and there will be lots to deviate over the years but he doesn’t sound in the same place currently so that’s why I wouldn’t push it.

@trueblue16 thank you, I do feel the same way and as though I shouldn’t push it, it was a long time ago and he has changed a lot, I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t being silly and wondered if lots of ppl would say I should definitely find out. Sounds like the majority feel the same and I do feel a lot better. This group is amazing! 😊

Lots of different replies to ponder. I think for me it is more about going into your future from a strong position of truth and openness. Not challenging him or leaving him. If he has grown up as you think he'll answer honestly, you'll talk about it, process any feelings and then both feel good about how much your relationship has matured. It won't be the same as if it happened when he was 35.

I would let it go.

He was young and maybe he went out and messed about a bit. Was that an ok thing for him to do in a relationship? No. But if he was with you from 17 then he really didnt get a chance to see what else was out there. Maybe he had to do that and then ultimately decided he was happy being with you. Better that he knows that now, as a grown up.

I'd see it as water under the bridge. Provided he has given you no further reason to doubt him in recent years.

As long as you are happy now. And feel he can be trusted now.

@Flittingaboutagain thank you, I agree, he needs to be able to at least talk about it and address my feelings if we are going to move on.

Things to worry me I’d I don’t get an answer so I’d probably ask. But you could open a can of worms and I don’t think it would be worth it since it was so long ago when he was so young and now things are great between you two.