Should I stay or should I go dilemma

[Poppins88]

I'm 33 and currently live in a small Northern city. I moved here a few years ago with my then partner to get married & start a family but we ended up cancelling the wedding when it became clear our relationship had run its course. Since the split, I've had one rebound relationship with a friend of a friend that ended terribly when he love bombed than ghosted me, I then had a brief period of dating a colleague which ended even more terribly and caused me quite a lot of pain. In between I tried OLD and met several very strange men and one who randomly became borderline abusive on our third date. I've spent the last 6 months trying to heal and focus on myself & I think I'm almost ready to date again.

I've recently been given the opportunity to transfer back to London and I'm strongly considering it for several reasons

• I've never truly felt I fit in in the North - most people here have been coupled up for years and it's been difficult to find like minded people who don't spend all their time with their partners
• All of my family & friends are in London, I've been terribly isolated throughout lockdown & it's starting to get to me mentally
• I really want to get married & start a family and as there are more people in London I think I'd be giving myself the best chance to meet someone

However, I made the mistake of googling "dating in London in your 30s" and am now terrified that I'll be letting myself in for even more ghosting, lovebombing, catfishing etc. I have quite extreme anxious attachment and whilst I'm doing everything possible to work on that e.g. counselling, journaling, working on my boundaries, self help books etc. I'm not sure I can handle another long period of being treated badly. Additionally, I was speaking to my ex (who moved back to London after we split) and he was saying how much he hates it there now and he wouldn't advise I come back as it's even worse than it was when we left.

Is there anyone who has been in my position and could offer some advice about dating in London?

I live in southwest London, met my husband online dating a few years ago. I don't think the chances of finding someone here are any better or worse than other places. As you have friends and family in London then you'd probably be happier back here

I don't think you should let dating become part of you decision to move. I'm sure wherever you live you will come across ghosting, lovebombing, catfishing etc whenever you do decide to go back out dating again.
If your friends and family are back in London - and you feel you've never really fit in up in the North I'd probably consider moving on that basis alone. Obviously London will have big implications on your finances though as housing and the cost of living is likely to be much more expensive than "up North". Personally I think those two things should be involved in your moving decision rather than where its best to date.

@NewYearHere20 I've considered the cost implications already, luckily I'm on a good salary so that isn't much of a concern. I'm focusing on the dating side of things as I don't have all the time in the world and starting a family is my main priority right now, so dating is definitely going to factor in to my considerations.

I think having a support network could make the world of difference. At least if you meet weirdos, they will see you are not alone and more 'vulnerable' as a result of that.

There are nuts everywhere. You just have to be sure you are confident in your own boundaries and being able to drop people as quick as a flash if they cross them or display red flag behaviour.

Make your you do ongoing reading on how to spot abusers and narcissists ect. And always tryst your gut if it is telling you something is off about someone.

I think the question isnt where will you date, its, are you confident enough in yourself and your ability to spot and turn down inappropriate ppl as and when necessary?

*make sure you

I don’t know what it’s like where you are, but I have several male friends in London who avoid dating women in their mid thirties because they say it feels like an interview, not a date.

I think the whole ‘desperate to start a family and don’t have much time’ vibe it fairly off putting to many on the dating scene.

Not saying that’s a good thing, or that it will be true for everyone, but I think you may need to be ready to deal with a fair bit of that.

I guess if you live in a small city, that could make meeting people difficult, but I think there's a strong degree if chance and luck in all this.

I have heard that the dating websites you pay for are better and have more serious/better class of individuals on them.

I live in London, but I've been married for a while now...so not sure from personal experience, but there are still many singles here.

@CatherinedeBourgh Yes I can see why that would be offputting. I think it's about finding a balance between being upfront about what you're looking for and seeing how things go.

@Bunnymumy "I think the question isnt where will you date, its, are you confident enough in yourself and your ability to spot and turn down inappropriate ppl as and when necessary?"

That's the million dollar question! I made the conscious decision to come off dating apps in May and have been working with a counsellor & doing my own self work to build my self esteem up. I think I'm a lot stronger now than I was and definitely more savvy. I have walked away from situations in the past that weren't right for me, so I'd like to think I can still do that now. Just really terrified of more pain, it seems to take me a very long time to get over rejection and I dont want to have to keep taking six month breaks at this stage in my life!

Been OLD on and off for years, never been ghosted or catfished. If you go about it in the right way, you can weed out the ones that are likely to do this before meeting them. Had flakyness - in which case, get flakey back until it fizzles out. Had people contact me years later once I joined WhatsApp - I blocked them ( if it was a non-starter then, it sure as hell is not worthy of round 2).
Not perfect, quite good at finding Mr.Will do for now, rather than forever, but that suits me at the moment. In short, you need to adjust how you pick people to meet up with - be very selective. That goes for wherever you are in the world doing OLD.

So yes, go back to London, if you have friends and family there, you have more chance of meeting someone without using OLD, which, given your experience and attachment anxiety, may not be the best method for you.

What makes London the answer for you, in my opinion, is that all your friends and family are there. It just seems obvious to me that you should be where you have people.

You can have an active social life and company, and you won't be reliant on some bloke as your main focus. You might even meet someone through your social network.

It's just a no-brainer. Why be somewhere that you have no-one?

@category12 Yes I can see that London seems the most obvious choice. Just to clarify, I do have some friends here but I can't bubble with them. I'm hesitant for a few reasons, one thing I have noticed since moving out of London is that the men in smaller towns seem to be more marriage minded and I'm concerned that I might inadvertently be hopping out of the frying pan and into the fire by putting myself in a position to only meet men with a conveyor belt mentality if I move back to London. Whilst I didn't have much success with OLD here, I only tried it for a few months and I'm not sure if I gave it enough of a chance.

Yeh thinking back I've found it so much harder to find a fella in the city in comparison to in towns. I think theres too much 'the grass could be greener...' in ppls attitudes in the city.

Maybe think of this another way. Assume in your mind that you do find the love of your life - get married and start a family. Where would you rather raise a family of your own? In London where your family are, or where you are now? Uprooting as a singleton is difficult - uprooting when you have a family in tow is bound to be more tricky. Maybe decide where you'd rather have a family - then make that location your choice.

@NewYearHere20 That's a really good point, thank you for this comment. In fairness, I'm not in love with the idea of raising a family in London but on the other hand there are certain aspects of living in the North that would mean that any children of mine are likely to experience more challenges if they live in an environment with very little diversity. Ah if only I could have the lifestyle I have here (e.g. lots of greenery, very cheap living costs, no over crowding) in London!