Is it always bad to ghost after break up?

[minibreakams1]

Hi,

Just want to get some opinions as my moral compass is feeling pretty bad about ignoring someone after a break up.

I broke up with my ex boyfriend of almost three years in August, we had been on and off and he had treated me quite poorly on and off. He had very little relationship experience and just didn't want to commit. He came back earlier this year saying he wanted to commit and I felt I couldn't because we had too much water under the bridge. I could see I hurt him but he hadn't been there when I needed him in previous years. We said we would stay friendly and it just seemed to get messy, we would snap at eachother or I would get upset when we would chat or meet up. A few weeks ago he texted asking did I want to meet up and I didn't reply, this then led to more messages over a week or two asking why I didn't reply. This has now stopped and I haven't heard from him in two weeks but yesterday I saw him as we live near each other (he was the other side of the street so didn't need to chat or avoid one another) and I felt pretty guilty for how I have essentially ghosted him.

I just think I have a lot of hurt in me over him and I do miss him but I'm trying to forget him for now and this feels like the best way to do it.

Write a quick message saying "Sorry for not answering but staying friends is not working for me. All the best, XYZ." then block and forget.

Thats not ghosting, ghosting is a completely different thing where you just stop all contact with no prior warning. I dont think you've necessarily done anything wrong, I maybe would have just said "no, I'd rather not" to his request then stopped engaging but only you know the dynamics between you.

I was never able to carry on seeing my ex boyfriends and meeting up as friends. It was like continuously picking at a scab for me. I needed a complete break to be able to put it behind me and move on.

@CrotchetyQuaver

I was never able to carry on seeing my ex boyfriends and meeting up as friends. It was like continuously picking at a scab for me. I needed a complete break to be able to put it behind me and move on.

This is sound advice. I tried being friends with an ex but it kept ending up in bed and altho the sex was good I always felt used in the morning. I was at University and it was with another woman, altho I'd never felt any attraction to women before or since. It was just her. In hindsight I wish I'd never met her. She was a user and I couldn't see it.

You will never move on if you stay in touch. Ask yourself why you need to stay in contact. As soon as he gets a new gf he’ll be gone and you’ll feel even more hurt. You didn’t have a great relationship so just cut the contact as in the long run it will be the best thing. Personally I’ve never stayed in contact with exes, they’re not my friends so why would I?

That's not ghosting.
Many ex couples have genuine intentions and hopes that they can stay friends, but it just doesn't work out.

You didn't ghost. You behaved fine. Ghosting is when you just disappear without breaking up. No need to feel bad but maybe now is the time to drop a no thanks text and then block

he knows it's over and you can't have him coming in and out of your life, friendship isn't going to work when feelings have been hurt so do what you have to do to cut contact to get over him, it's wrong of him to keep trying to contact you when your clearly not interested so keep ignoring him until he gets fed up.

I agree with pp. Send him a message telling him not to contact you again as you're not in the right place to be friends at the moment. If he doesn't respect this and keeps contacting you, then block. Also, well done for being able to recognise that being friends is no good for you. I've seen friends get into a terrible emotional mess because they tried to be nice and stay friends with an ex when really they needed a clean break.

@pyjamasforbananas

I agree with pp. Send him a message telling him not to contact you again as you're not in the right place to be friends at the moment. If he doesn't respect this and keeps contacting you, then block. Also, well done for being able to recognise that being friends is no good for you. I've seen friends get into a terrible emotional mess because they tried to be nice and stay friends with an ex when really they needed a clean break.

Thanks for this comment and for the well done but to be honest we were definitely messy for a while after the break up and went through weeks of me having emotional reactions to him and it took me until now ignoring him to feel ok