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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice to your teenage self on dating

49 replies

Spritesobright · 16/11/2020 22:56

Inspired by another thread on relationship advice.
What would you go back and tell your teenage self about dating and relationships if you could?
Mine would be:

  • being a dork at school doesn't mean no one will want to date you later on. They definitely will, so start filtering!
  • Get to know your own body and how to orgasm before having sex.
  • Always make sex about what you want. You don't have to say yes just because he wants to.
  • Try waiting longer between relationships. Just because someone is interested you don't have to date them.
  • a car, nice friends, and an interest in you are also not sufficient reasons to date someone.
God, I was clueless!
OP posts:
TheChristmasPrincess · 17/11/2020 22:03

It doesn’t matter if you’re still a virgin in your twenties, in spite of what people will tell you.

Pickypolly · 17/11/2020 22:07

Keep doing what you are doing because girl...you are fucking AWSOME!

Carry on, choose very carefully, you are right to not accept any bullshit, your gut is right, keep being intolerant and stroppy.
Keep fucking off anyone not up to scratch without giving it a second thought because you are spot on. Keep doing it at the first hint, you are right to not give any chances to any one you consider to be a wanker, there’s just so many of them to Wade through.

You are doing great. Keep strong.

2anddone · 17/11/2020 22:11

Walk away the first time he cheats on you, hold your head high you are better than that. Don't stay with him for 20 years only for him to leave you, your 3 and 6 year old because he thinks life can be more exciting.
Go to the boy you really like and tell him how you feel, he feels the same. Don't wait until you are both with someone to work that out then not be able to do anything about it. Please don't be in your 40's wondering what if and being alone.

Alys20 · 17/11/2020 22:23

As a couple of other posters said, don't waste your time and have fun instead.

There's only 1 bf from my past I'd consider dating again. Don't miss out on getting to know yourself and fgs never ever get married. That's what I tell my teenage daughter.

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/11/2020 22:27

I would encourage myself to sleep around a bit more, be more careful with barrier contraception (though that would probably fall on deaf ears) and and be less inclined to have a steady boyfriend.

I like "Always make sex about what you want." too. While I was never inclined to have sex with someone just because they wanted it, it took me a while to see past society's focus on male orgasm as the main point of sex.

jennie0412 · 17/11/2020 22:48

Just curious, why do some of you say to sleep around more/don't try to settle down etc?

Smile
StarlightLady · 17/11/2020 23:13

Smart girls carry condoms..

PolkadotGiraffe · 18/11/2020 01:13

Learn the word "No".
Have confidence.
Do not accept being treated with disrespect.
Realise that you can be happy alone and you do not need validation from anyone else to be happy.
Teenage boys are not worth the drama!

PolkadotGiraffe · 18/11/2020 01:16

@Alys20

As a couple of other posters said, don't waste your time and have fun instead.

There's only 1 bf from my past I'd consider dating again. Don't miss out on getting to know yourself and fgs never ever get married. That's what I tell my teenage daughter.

Yes to this. Never, ever marry. Madness.
hilariousnamehere · 18/11/2020 01:19

There's actually not much I'd tell her - only that heartbreak heals, and to savour (as I did) the two lovely relationships you have in your teens and twenties, because you then discover that although you loved them and they are decent men, your life is happier and more fulfilling solo!

Ragwort · 18/11/2020 07:36

jennie because there is so much more to life than just 'settling down' ... it is sad that even these days so many women's aspirations seem to be 'find a partner/husband and have babies'.

YeOldeTrout · 18/11/2020 07:44

Dating may have nothing to do with how you get together with someone.

I thought... this is how falling in love happens:

You meet someone
someone asks the other one out
you go out together a few times
people recognise you as a couple
things start to get physical
Then go out more times
then strong feelings start to develop

Didn't happen like that at all for me, never!

StarlightLady · 18/11/2020 08:20

@BoomBoomsCousin: l like it. Star

NewYearHere20 · 18/11/2020 09:13

I would tell my teenage self:
Don't be scared of snogging - its actually fun.
Don't settle down with the first boy who shows a hint of interest.
Get out and enjoy your twenties they'll be the best time of your life if you grab them with both hands.
You will grow into an attractive confident women.
Tell her the signs of emotional abuse and that she needs to run for the hills.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/11/2020 10:00

@jennie0412

Just curious, why do some of you say to sleep around more/don't try to settle down etc?

Smile

Because I think I missed out on a lot by focusing too much on romantic relationships and not on my friends, career, hobbies etc. and it took me a lot longer to realise just how varied sex could be because I only slept with three men before I was 21.
GeidiPrimes · 18/11/2020 10:06

I'd have advised myself to leave the menz alone until I'd got some self esteem.

AriesTheRam · 18/11/2020 10:06

Step away from the fuck boys

xsquared · 18/11/2020 10:13

Do not be pressured into having a relationship you don't want. It is not healthy and you are not being true to yourself or anyone.

Lellochip · 18/11/2020 10:18

@jennie0412

Just curious, why do some of you say to sleep around more/don't try to settle down etc?

Smile

I'd have said this to younger me (the sleep around, not the settling down) but I'm not sure the opportunity was there anyway 😅
BiBabbles · 18/11/2020 12:05

Mainly, similar to what I tell my teens, focus on people that make you feel good, not the ones who make you feel terrible.

Build relationships, mostly with those who you feel good around, they're important - all of them, including the platonic/affectionately platonic/casual ones. Work on connecting genuinely, learning what you like in people and in relationships rather than overthinking what things need to mean or go a certain way or defining yourself by them.

More personal to my specific teen situation: Affection doesn't always mean something major and that's not a bad thing. You can enjoy affection without the pressure of thinking it proves anything. It proves nothing about your worth to accept or reject it or if they want or don't want it, it proves nothing about how the other person feels or even how you feel about them, it proves nothing about your mother's opinions of anything. You can enjoy it and company just for the fun of it, just don't let it get in the way of your goals or do it if it feels terrible.

Some people think saying you like them/think they're cute/similar and the other person agreeing is the same as agreeing to go exclusive & get real rude if you don't agree. Some people will push to go exclusive but leave you dangling. Check for these thing, you'll be happier with more flexible, relaxed people who can communicate well.

Less overthinking people you plan to leave and just enjoy things as they are for the time. When your driving force is moving far away, bit daft to also think connections and relationships only matter if they last longer than that or have some sort of public commitment to them. Besides, pretty much every guy you went to high school with goes bald before 30 (that one stops being a flexible relaxed guy and becomes way more uptight in a vegan, distance cycling, politically child-free and beyond way), many of the once hot girls end up copies of their mothers you didn't like, few of them make it more than a couple hours from your hometown (my idea of a nightmare) and you end up married in another country less than 6 months after you graduate. It all works out, you're fine, enjoy things, maybe keep sending more emails after you leave, but in the long run, they will lose their importance.

LilyLongJohn · 18/11/2020 14:18

If someone is genuinely interested in you, you'll know. If you're confused it's not working.

Just because he's nice to you doesn't mean you sleep with him

Cock is always available

Being single and living alone is awesome

Friends first

xsquared · 18/11/2020 18:20

As hard as it might be, do not try to remain friends with someone who has a crush on you and you don't reciprocate the feelings. It's not fair on either of you and it could turn nasty.

No means no. If he's upset, or gets angry that's not your problem.

GlennRheeismyfavourite · 18/11/2020 19:33

Don't use sex to try and get someone to fall in love with you - it won't work!!

StarlightLady · 19/11/2020 03:04

In addition to my previous comment (smart girls carry condoms), I would add

  • Avoid sexist control! Virginity is a male concept to control women;
  • Relax in your own body and feelings! Sexuality can be fluid;
  • Be assertive.! Don’t have sex with someone who won’t go down on you;
  • Educate! Ensure that anyone you have sex with understands that the key female sex organ is the clitoris.
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