Thinking of leaving my husband & becoming single parent

[TongoP]

Hi all

I'm a mother of a 5months of boy and thinking of leaving my husband as I'm finding life with him is making me unhappy.

He's got a lot of issues and I thought I could live with them but I just can't. His issues have led him to be a poor partner, there really isn't much I get from him anymore and we can barely have a serious conversation without arguing and pushing each other's buttons. He refused to see a councillor and dies t take responsibility for his behaviour unless I physically leave him.

I do love him but finding it difficult to live with him anymore. Covid has made it much harder too. Money is always a constant argument, he very rarely contributes to things unless I ask him to, as far as he is concerned as long as he pays half the bills and the mortgage then anything we need is y his problem. It's taken 5 months for me to get him to give me £50 per month to help with baby stuff. We both earn good money so no need to be so tight. Like I said, there is nothing that I can think of that he actually contributes to this relationship anymore and I'm tired of being the only one.

We have our son now and he is so far a good dad. Think having him has made me really see what my husband is like as a partner because I have less time to focus on him now as I'm looking after our son and it's brought all his faults even more to the surface and I'm just struggling to be ok with it all now.

I suppose I'm asking if anyone out there has been through anything similar and also is like to know the realities of being a single mum?

It's tough but not as tough as staying with someone who refuses to support you and is emotionally and financially abusive.

I left my ex at 5 months after zero support from him in a very similar situation. You must support and look after yourself and the baby - your needs come first.

Don't hang around - he will make it much harder.

As a single parent you have to take each day at a time. It gets easier month by month as the baby gets older.

Best of luck op, don't hang around with a man child who makes life hell, it is not easy being a single parent but it sounds as if you are a single parent with two kids at the moment! So I am sure that you will find it easier on your own without the man child.

You say single parent but in reality you will be split parents won,t you. Wouldn,t you aim for 50/50. ? Def need to talk to hi about the concearns and work out finances. Together look at in comings and outgoings who pays for what. He may just never stopped to consider.

We have our son now and he is so far a good dad.

It's taken 5 months for me to get him to give me £50 per month to help with baby stuff.

So he's a good dad, but you've basically had to begging him to help with baby stuff since your DS was born. 🤔

Exactly! I say good dad so far as he's great with LO but that's the easy bit! Who isn't great having fun with a baby.

Financially he is horrendous! He thinks he's 'sensible' and is the one who saves but the reality is the only reason he is in a good financial situation is because I take on the brunt off all additional costs. I take my responsibility as I have allowed it to go on but have finally seen what is going on and I'm not standing for it anymore. I literally have to argue with him to put money towards things.

My mat leave is 100% me, all I asked is that he pay an extra £200 towards to mortgage so that I can take 9months to be with LO, I manage everything else still with a vastly limited income. I can't take the full 12months because I can't afford it but he could do more which will allow me to but he won't. All he said when I tried to talk to him about it was 'you should have saved more then'

We recently brought our first property together too and 100% of the deposit was my inheritance money (we moved when lo was 1 month) and he still tried to ask me to pay towards basic furniture items (bed, sofa and wardrobes which in total only cost 3k) I didn't but ended up with all legal fees and moving van fees which ended up being just over 2k anyway!

I've had countless conversations, and I mean countless.

@june2007

He knows everything I have shown him a number of times.

I really doubt anything will be 50/50 if we split. He will barely pay for anything now ans that's in a household with 2 incomes. If I leave him he'll have to pay maintenance and his own upkeep, trust me when I say I'll have to beg him just for the basics that he should be paying

I'd book a solicitor's appointment and get legal advice first. You need to plan ahead, get those ducks in a row and decide what's best for you and the baby.
Staying in an abusive relationship...yes, OP it is financially and emotionally abusive and no, he's not a good father. Take off the blinkers and SEE properly how he's treating you and the baby.
By making excuses for him you're minimising. By minimising, you're giving away your personal power. By giving away that power you're on a downward slope that will lead to anxiety, depression and terrible unhappiness.
You are worth far, far more.
You are amazing.
Own it.

@pallasathena ❤️

@pallasathena
I've noticed recently how anxious I have become and turning into control freak these days which was never me. Think the blinkers have started to come off

I say good dad so far as he's great with LO but that's the easy bit

That's not a good dad, that's a good babysitter.

It is quite normal to start trying to take control of any and every minute thing within your power when the bigger things in your life are out of your control - for example, due to abuse.

Feeling we have some control over our own lives is actually really important for a human to be well and healthy. When someone or something takes that away it causes stress and illness.

It gets better once you leave and have had a chance to settle and adjust (not instantly overnight).

When you do leave, be careful not to confuse the discomfort of change and the grief for the future you hoped you would have with him with having made a mistake. They're normal reactions and pass.

I wonder if you've ever looked at the Freedom Programme course? Help you get perspective on what a healthy relationship looks like compared to an abusive one.

Good luck

@TongoP I think that you should leave. He’s actually being financially abusive. I say this as, he expects you still pay 50% of the bills and doesn’t contribute to supporting his child. All whilst you are on maternity leave, so are already on reduced pay.

If you leave, he’d have to pay child support and you can bet it will be more than £50.

Please tell me you protected your deposit

I think if you are unhappy now it's only going to get worse over time. Better to leave now whilst your little one is too young to notice any difference. If you wait 6,12,18 months you will have the added burden of worrying you will be destroying your child's happy family bubble. Be strong and do the best thing for yourself 💕

@user15368536798589

Thank you I will look into that course. I have always been in bad relationships where the man is financially abusive and emotionally unobtainable. I'm reading a book called 'Attached' which helps people understand the different attachment styles and how to either find the right relationship or strengthen the one your in.

I have always struggled with boundaries. It's my self esteem I suppose. I have to learn to love myself more than I do.

@freeingNora
No 😢

Agree he's not a good dad, good dads look after their children's mum.

I've posted on other threads just today about how being a single mum is hard and to try other things first, but in your case, you will be SO much better off alone. Being a single parent can be hard, but the reasons people find it hard, like being responsible for finances or missing emotional support, don't apply for you as you don't have them anyway.

My initial feeling after moving out was huge relief. It was like I didn't even know I was walking around with a heavy backpack and shoes on the wrong feet. I'm alone with 3 DCs and it is often lovely, always better than being in an unsafe relationship, but sometimes a bit too much, simultaneously never alone and quite lonely. I'm sure that alone with a 5 month old, during covid, you will sometimes find it a bit too much too. But you and your baby can get through it together. I'd strongly suggest finding support. Could you move in with any family, or at least close? Joining Gingerbread can be good. And make sure you check entitledto.com in case you are able to access further benefits to help you right now.
Tell people who care about you about your situation, I felt quite ashamed but as soon as I opened up people were so nice, even sometimes people I didn't know as well or wouldn't have expected such support from. Accept practical offers of help. You will be ok, and one day you will look back at this and thank the heavens you didn't go on to have more DCs, and you freed your child from going on to see this as an acceptable relationship for then to copy as an adult.

@OverTheRubicon 🙏 I really appreciate the advice and you sharing your experiences.

My family know the situation, they are very supportive of whatever I decide. They want to respect my choices.

Just be aware that if he goes to court re custody and is awarded 50/50 then no maintenance is due.

@Nicknamegoeshere 👍

@Nicknamegoeshere

Just be aware that if he goes to court re custody and is awarded 50/50 then no maintenance is due.

Though it's worth noting that this is a longer term concern. He will not be awarded 50/50 custody of a 5 month old baby, or necessarily overnights, that will more likely come with time. 50/50 of younger children is relatively rare still, it works for some, but more often it's a threat by blokes to get the woman to opt out of custody. My stbxh truly believed he wanted 50/50 but after a very short time he buckled under the strain of doing it solo (or doing it at all!) and sees them far less, and anticipate it will be less again if he finds another partner. This is the more.common experience of the other women I've met who separate with still-young children.

I agree with PP, don’t let the fear of 50/50 to stop you leaving.

Look at doing the freedom programme and read the Randy Bancroft book ‘why does he do that’......I’m sure after reading this you’ll find a description of him in there.

Also, be aware to keep quiet whilst you plan. If he knows you are breaking away, then he’ll start love bombing you to get you to fall back into line.

IMO, I’d move into your parents house, who can support you and get an appointment with a solicitor ASAP.

I’m hoping that you ring fenced your deposit.

I'm pretty sure they wouldn't 50/50 a young baby. My boys were not babies when ex was awarded shared custody so don't worry. They were 3 and 6.

You need to talk to him about how you feal and how you need things to change. Even if it doesn,t change still need to communicate how you are feeling. Perhaps look at Relate?