Daughter being abused

[Cazzie1206]

My dd 21 is in an abusive relationship and I don’t know how to help her. They have a 1 year old and he has a 7 year old from a previous relationship. He is vile to my dd, calls her dumb, fat, lazy, tells her she’s worthless and ugly and other truely vile things. Since the baby and then COVID he has been the main income into the house so he now also has financial control. She rings me daily in distress, I’ve told her she can come home but she seems determined to try to make it work.
I don’t know how to help her, he is a despicable man. Any suggestions or help would be welcome, I just don’t know what to do. I tried discussing coercive control in general terms but she doesn’t believe that that’s what’s happening but I can see it, he’s destroying her a little bit everyday.

It must be AWFUL for you both, but I think in the end all you can do is keep offering for your daughter to come home if she needs to. I was in that situation and did go home in the end. Took me a couple of years tho. So sorry for you both. X

Just let her know that she can come home to you any time, day or night.
Do you have a bedroom for her and the baby ? If so, tell her that it’s waiting for her.
Do they come and visit you ?

Encourage her to speak to women’s aid. Give her a key to your house and tell her she is always welcome (I know you’ve said this, keep telling her, any time of day or night etc etc). Give her links to benefit calculators etc so that she can see she will be able to manage financially. Tell her to get out now when her child is so young they won’t really remember any of it - this was one of the deciding factors in me deciding to leave dds dad when she was 6 months old (she’s now 17).

Oh op I am sorry to read this as I kind of put my mum in the same situation a few years ago. I didn't belive it either. I was 17 when it started he had 4 kids already and I was just starting college and my job ... but I had a lightbulb moment and I left. Eventually we worked things out a while after and everything changed totally and I no longer take any of his shit and we get on and we have 3 amazing children and a lovely house (not an oil painting as we do have arguments, who doesn't) but he's a different person now and anyone will tell you this, crazy enough we are still together 9 years later and I know this isn't everyone's outcome but he is nothing like he used to be so their is always some sort of hope either way hopefully. Either she has the light bulb moment and goes for good and makes something of her self for her and her little baby or he changes so she can keep her family together like she's probably hoping to now? I reallly don't know if my words help op I'm just saying from my experience xx

But never intervene to much as this can push her away- from experience, always be supportive, a shoulder to cry on and reassure her she's always welcome and your always going to support her no matter what she does.
I would get her to seek Claire's law, speak to women's aid just get some advice and see if their is any local support groups xx

That's tricky. Is he her everything? Would she be completely alone friends wise if she left him? I know my ex made himself my Alpha and Omega if you see what i mean. He was my abuser but he was also my "comforter" and my "friend" when my mental health suffered because of him. Headfuck. Maybe try freedom programme?

Is the 7 year old living with them?

I was in a very similar situation to your daughter at that age, I didn't realise until later how awful it must have been for those around me - so sorry you're going through this. Honestly even though I had everyone telling me I deserved better, I needed to get away etc I felt it had to be when I was ready. That time came (we were together 4 years in total) and I knew I was done, my mum was there to listen and support me and help pick up the pieces. I think that's the very best thing she could have done for me. I have a very different life now at 27, happily married, working and in my last year at uni. Kids are amazing, they have no contact with their useless father and adore their stepdad. I wouldn't change a thing I've been through as it made me the woman I am today. Your daughter is still young and there is every chance she will end up in a much happier place and she will thank you for loving her and being there.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful responses. It’s reassuring to know that this is something she might get out of at sometime.

The 7 year old is with them alternate weeks, my dd looks after her, takes her to school does homework etc but her partner uses her as a manipulation tool too.

It’s so difficult not to voice my opinions about their relationship, I know it’s not what she wants from me but I’m so angry about him that I can’t always stop myself.

I hope that she knows she can come to me anytime and that I’ll always help her. I know the decision to take action has to be hers, I just hope it’s sooner rather than later.

It is a minefield. When an AC of mine used to moan about partner to me, I was always supportive, but never took sides and never ever colluded in dissing that partner. But I did sometimes wonder what I might have done if the partner were genuinely unacceptable.

I do feel you are in a very difficult place. It truly does sound as though his behaviour towards her is totally out of order; but you do not want to place yourself too firmly as against him, as they may decide to stay together and somehow you have to find a way of keeping lines of communication open.

I do agree that making sure she has a key to your place is a very good idea; and all you can do is to keep reiterating that your home is open to her. Unless of course he actively abuses her.

She is ringing you in distress, so she is asking for help - it is very hard to give that help in someone else's relationship, even though it is your own DD.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. We all hope and pray that our AC will choose the right partner - it is so key to their futures.

You could buy her (£10 I think) the online version of The Freedom Programme. Then she can arrive at her own conclusion, keeping you out of it.

Have you done a Clare’s law application about her partner to see if he has a history of abuse. I’m assuming he might be older?

Maybe keep copies of important documents for her and like others have suggested repeatedly let her know she can come to you whenever and you will help. Does she have friends m?

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie
I hadn’t heard of the Freedom programme but I’ll certainly check it out, thank you.

She doesn’t really have any close friends, her best friend lives 80 miles away and her partner is very against this friend.

It’s so difficult with adult children, unfortunately as parents we can’t make it better.

I appreciate all of your help and suggestions, thank you x

Another bloody bully - I’m sure your very torn OP - he’s got her isolated hasn’t he. Poor girl - I suppose she’s ranting to you which keeps the connection to you.
Freedom programme is good - also there is a free book to download called Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft - also women’s aid will have info and google cycle of abuse.
Ask her does he treat anyone else the way he treats her? His boss, his friends, his parents - it may take her a while for it all to sink in.

I think you're doing your best by offering her a safe space. It's difficult for her to think clearly in her circumstance. I think my advise is if you say that it takes two to make the relationship to work. So if she goes home to you, that will get his attention and kick him into making an effort. Now that will be the test, does he try to get her back and make an effort? If he doesn't, your daughter will realise he doesn't want to. And if after some space she goes back and he does the same, she will remember the comfort of her mother's love and leave by her own will.

In the mean time you can ask her to read up on abusive behaviour signs so she can educate herself and help realise the severity of her situation. And also does she want her child learning his behaviour. He's not a role model

Hi Op. Sorry to hear this. I was in exactly the same situation with my daughter a few years ago and the hardest thing was keeping my mouth shut as i didn't want to give him any excuse to isolate my daughter from me as he had done with so many of her friends/family, even moving her into the middle of nowhere with no public transport. they had 3 kids and she tried very, very hard to make things work. Eventually she admitted defeat and left him and is very happy now in a relationship with a lovely chap.

The only advice i can give is however hard, keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself, be a sounding board but don't put any extra presume on your daughter and do not give him any excuse to cut you out too. Hopefully, in time she will see sense. She's also very young as was my daughter. Good luck

I’m sorry that you’re having to witness your daughter going through this, OP. I feel for her and what she must be going through.

I’m currently stuck in a similar situation, waiting for my opportunity to break free. Keep reassuring her that she always has a home with you. Compliment her on her efforts in general, as I’m sure you already do. She’s young and unfortunately believes that he can change, but I have faith that she will, in time, make her escape.