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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Have I messed up???

41 replies

helpmeout45 · 16/11/2020 17:15

So there’s a guy that I know through friends and I see him out every now and then and speak to him. I always found him really nice and attractive. We didn’t really speak much otherwise but followed each other on social media etc. I decided a couple of weeks ago to reply to one of his stories as it made me laugh and we really hit it off from there.
It’s all been over text due to lockdown but we have been speaking every day for 2 weeks now and he has really been showing interest. He asks about my day, texts me in the morning to have a good day, seemed genuinely excited when I told him some of my good news from work. Things got quite flirty, he was becoming quite complimentary and he was saying how much he wishes we could meet up for dinner or a pub etc. He was a fast replier and we were chatting a lot. We realised we have loads in common in terms of music taste, interests etc. We FaceTimed the other night and he really was making me laugh.

We were meant to meet for a socially distanced walk on Saturday but the weather was gross so he bailed. However he instantly said “let’s go on Monday evening, put it in your diary”. So I felt happy with that and all was good.

However yesterday (Sunday) he was suddenly really quite off. The texting was much less frequent, and he was texting pretty bluntly and much more like a friend. I asked him if he was okay and if I’d done something, and he said no of course not he’d just been chilling. I don’t mind long replies if someone’s busy but it was the complete change of tone that baffled me! Anyway, I said that’s fine and left him to it. He didn’t text me all evening until about midnight where he said he dozed off (even though he’d been posting on social media before then) but whatever, it was fine.

Then today, the first text I get is that he’s feeling really unwell and needs to sleep it off and he won’t be around for that walk today. He didn’t attempt to rearrange. I offered to do something else but he said no he needs to sleep. Now here’s where I think I messed up - I asked if he’s sure I hadn’t done something and if I have, I’d rather just know! But he said no, I’m just feeling unwell. I said that’s absolutely fine, it was just the change of tone from yesterday. He then said he has phases, like yesterday, where he doesn’t want to be on his phone all day and didn’t want to chat to anyone yesterday. I said of course it’s fine and it’s not the length of time took to text me that was an issue. He then said very bluntly “you haven’t done anything haha”. I then realised I probably sounded like an arsehole and said okay, I hope he feels better and has a good rest, and if anything is up he knows where I am if he wants a chat.

This was over 5 hours ago and I’ve had no response (I genuinely don’t think he’s gone this long without texting for the last 2 weeks!). He’s posted once or twice since too so I really feel like I’ve messed up here :( what do I do???

OP posts:
Namechangedforthisoct2 · 16/11/2020 17:19

Urghhhh he’s a love bomber 🤷🏽‍♀️
Sorry but I’ve had this many times before, it sucks. They give you lots of attention, get really into it.... and then get bored or more onto the next new shiny object (until they get bored of that one!)

Please do not take it personally. Sorry he’s dicked you about Sad

helpmeout45 · 16/11/2020 17:27

Ooooh do you think? Sad I didn’t think he seemed too OTT he just seemed really interested. I just wanted to know if it was something I’d done that caused the shift. I now feel like I should never have even asked

OP posts:
JurassicParkAha · 16/11/2020 17:28

Well, calling him out on the time taken to respond wasn't a great idea. No one wants the Spanish Inquisition so early on. But if he is interested in dating you, he won't let that put him off. Don't read so much into texting and response times, the BIG red flag you're missing is him cancelling on you TWICE. Not cool.

Please stop worrying that you did something. He's the one who cancelled, and if he doesn't go out of his way to apologise and re-schedule, I would forget about him. Don't entertain this text-ationship. If he's interested in dating you, he can drag his arse out for a socially distanced walk!

MacbookHo · 16/11/2020 17:29

You’ve done nothing wrong... except let him get in your head. He’s avoiding meeting you in person. No idea why - so let’s assume it’s a reason that puts you in a good light, rather than agonising over it.

So I’ll say, he’s realised you are a total lofty goddess who is approximately 55,782 million times’ better looking, smarter and funnier than he is, and he’s lost all his confidence. He’s not sleeping - he’s actually just ordered an at-home Total Body Makeover kit and plans to spend the next 2 weeks doing 24hour chin-ups and burpees, while listening to A Brief History of Time on audible. And bleaching his teeth. Once that’s all done, he’ll feel worthy enough to meet you in person. ✅

MacbookHo · 16/11/2020 17:30

(But in reality: anyone who’s cancels twice is Just Not That Into You and should be forgotten.)

TokyoSushi · 16/11/2020 17:31

Just leave it now OP, don't contact him again. If its meant to be then it will be.

JurassicParkAha · 16/11/2020 17:32

Just remember, if someone is keen on dating you, they will. And if this guy were keen, he would be the one worrying that cancelling on you so many times has blown his chance. And would up the communication stakes at least. Maintain your self respect and don't accept this rude behaviour. Set higher standards in dating, and that way you won't waste energy worrying about flakes like him.

helpmeout45 · 16/11/2020 17:37

Oh thanks everyone. I do struggle with anxiety so I’m really worried I let myself overthink and ruin this one 😬

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 16/11/2020 17:44

@helpmeout45

Oh thanks everyone. I do struggle with anxiety so I’m really worried I let myself overthink and ruin this one 😬
You're going to fall into the trap of accepting crumbs from this man. Scared of 'overthinking' and taking less than you deserve.
TossaCointoYerWitcher · 16/11/2020 17:57

Don't read so much into texting and response times, the BIG red flag you're missing is him cancelling on you TWICE. Not cool.

^ This. Sometimes, if I've been chatting to someone regularly and we then arrange a date/to meet up, I'll quite often back-off on the messaging a little bit as I get paranoid the other person will think I'm too clingy, and anyway since we're meeting up they know I want to keep in touch. But I would still go on the date or - if I couldn't - suggest an alternative time.

I agree, he sounds like a lovebomber - gets carried away whilst on the chase and everything is hypothetical but when things suddenly become real, he freezes and questions whether he wants it after all. Its incredibly annoying and, in fairness, I've had it from women in my time too.

helpmeout45 · 16/11/2020 19:03

Sigh I just really had a good feeling :( for 2 weeks it was just NICE and he was always asking me questions and seemed genuinely interested in my life and my interests. I have no idea why the sudden change in texting pattern and enthusiasm which was so consistent for so long :(

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 16/11/2020 19:14

Total flake - he cancelled first because of the weather (I mean, whats the worst that could happen - get rained upon and have to carry an umbrella?) and secondly because he was tired and had to sleep. Can this man even hold down a job? Imagine if it rains on the way to work - does he have to call in sick?

He probably isn't single either.

dancemom · 16/11/2020 19:19

If he really wanted to he would.

His loss, archive the chat and distract yourself with something else.

Good luck.

helpmeout45 · 16/11/2020 19:26

Thanks everyone :(. It’d be alright if I never had to see him but he actually hosts a pub quiz I religiously go to with friends once a week. He is doing them virtually for lockdown as well and my family are super keen to take part so I’m gonna see him on that tomorrow, can’t wait for that... Confused

OP posts:
PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 16/11/2020 19:31

I think he’s been talking to someone else as the same time and blew you out to see them/concentrate on them but doesn’t want to knock things on the head completely with you so that he can keep you on the back burner.
He’s blown you out twice so I’d just delete him number and move on.

Henio · 16/11/2020 19:36

@MacbookHo

You’ve done nothing wrong... except let him get in your head. He’s avoiding meeting you in person. No idea why - so let’s assume it’s a reason that puts you in a good light, rather than agonising over it.

So I’ll say, he’s realised you are a total lofty goddess who is approximately 55,782 million times’ better looking, smarter and funnier than he is, and he’s lost all his confidence. He’s not sleeping - he’s actually just ordered an at-home Total Body Makeover kit and plans to spend the next 2 weeks doing 24hour chin-ups and burpees, while listening to A Brief History of Time on audible. And bleaching his teeth. Once that’s all done, he’ll feel worthy enough to meet you in person. ✅

Best reply ever ☺️
Mermaidwaves · 17/11/2020 04:16

I agree with a PP, met someone else and is breadcrumbing you, so common with modern dating. It won't be what you said OP as you didn't say or do anything bad. You're questioning it because you can sense he's losing interest, and 99% of the time, you can tell, their own tone and attitude change.

I would wait for him to rearrange something, let him contact you.

McRibpain · 17/11/2020 04:44

Please don't message him again. You are the prize, not him.

IceFrost · 17/11/2020 04:51

Just bail on the quiz for a week or two.

helpmeout45 · 17/11/2020 09:27

Thanks everyone! It’s so hard not to message because he was showing so much interest and was so lovely for weeks and then bam, nothing. He did hit me with a “how has your day been” last night and I took a while to respond. It’s just so strange when someone talks to you all the time to suddenly texting you like twice a day and it’s made me feel really shit about myself Sad

OP posts:
Dillo10 · 17/11/2020 09:42

I'm of the opinion that if a man is really into you, there is not much you can do (especially over text) to put him off. Unless you are engaging in How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days style behaviour! What I mean is... Stop over thinking what you have said and done, unfortunately the likelihood is he's been chatting to/seeing a few women and one of them has really got his attention at the moment, so he's backing off a bit from you. These type of guys inevitably get back in touch at some point, but that's a problem for another day. When a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from seeing you and not much you say or do will "put him off". Women spend fair too much time analysing their own behaviour in these situations, when the reality is you'll never really know what is going on in someone else's head, but the signs are telling you he's lost interest. Tough to do in practice but you need to take it on the chin and move into the next one, without blaming yourself as it doesn't sound like you've done anything except be yourself, which for someone out there will be absolutely perfect. Flowers

notsurewhattodo22 · 17/11/2020 09:57

Oh my...I have a similar thread but we were dating for a while.

We were in touch 24/7 almost for a year then bam nothing when he decided he'd had enough.

It's so demoralising and hard to accept and fill the empty space.

I should have backed off a long time ago instead of analysing what I did or didn't do. If a guy is into you then you can tell sadly. Mine wasn't.

helpmeout45 · 17/11/2020 21:36

He reached out this afternoon literally the bluntest text saying “just put my tree up”. No emojis or anything. Very very blunt. The quiz was tonight and I texted him complimenting him, he said “haha no” and that was it. Honestly I feel like absolute shit Sad how can someone go from saying good morning every morning and being so enthusiastic for weeks straight suddenly be so blunt and unbothered if I didn’t do something wrong???

OP posts:
Techway · 17/11/2020 22:57

How old are you both? What do you know about his Relationship history?

You haven't done anything wrong just that he has got bored or found someone else to chat to. It is so easy to chat over text but until you go on a date or ten, don't get too emotionally involved.

Assume that he has done you a massive favour.

helpmeout45 · 18/11/2020 19:23

I’m 24 he’s 26. I didn’t reach out today and he texted first but was fairly blunt so I stopped replying after he put ‘okay’. He then sent another one which I read before dinner.. he then sent a third!! It’s like he’s looking to see if I’m replying and wants to chat, but then when he does, his whole tone has completely changed??

OP posts:
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