HELP!

[Mark123456]

So i've ben with my girlfriend for over 10 years, in the last few years I would say she has put on a quite a bit of weight (Around 3 stone / 42lbs) and I'm no longer physically attracted to her.

I feel horrible even writing this and I wish I could just change what i'm attracted too but I can't. We haven't had sex for over a year and really don't know what to do.

Everything else in the relationship is amazing, I love her with all my heart and still after all these years we make each other laugh every single day.

Ive offered to join a gym with her, do yoga, take up physically demanding hobbies together. I keep myself in "good" shape and have been only too willing to work with her to help her out but whenever a bring the subject up she just gives me excuses. We don't have kids and we currently both work at home. Her job is quite demanding (This being her main excuse for not wanting to exercise, that and the fact she says she genuinely doesn't like exercise.

Now obviously she shouldn't have to change her shape just to suit what I find attractive but I feel like I shouldn't feel guilty/bad for not wanting to have sex with someone I no longer feel attracted to in that way.

Am I being a chauvinistic idiot? I really don't see her changing and as she gets older only getting bigger. Am i now resigned to a sexless relationship.

I really do love her but i just don't know how this is going to pan out.

Please give me your advice.

why are you posting in feminism chat? aren't there relationship threads in mumsnet?

OP ask to get this thread moved to relationships

Apologies, didn't realise i posted it in the wrong place.

Maybe there is something in the relationship that is lacking for her to be over eating? If you are not having sex she is probably not feeling very good about herself and that could lead to comfort eating

Why can't you ask some of your own mates? It's not something you need an answer from women in particular on.
Why have you felt the need to ask thousands of women (yes I know men use this site too) for validation on not being attracted to your girlfriend?
Just leave her if you're not happy? Will it make you feel better if we all pat your head and tell you you're right?

You do know what to do. You need to split with her so you can both find someone else who will make you happy. The relationship obviously isn’t working any more.

Why don't you dump her....

She can then loose lots of weight through anxiety and find herself someone who is not Shallow.

Has she asked you if you're still attracted to her? or is the lack of sex never discussed?

I'm not going to be quite so harsh on you. I was in your situation with my ex. He put on loads of weight, I put on loads of weight (went from 11 stone to 15 stone) I tried to get myself in shape by joining the gym then he wanted to join, we'd go together he would get bored and we would end up going home. I joined the gym at work and he accused me of doing it because a male I was friends with had joined one.

I would buy treats at the weekend he would come home and eat them all in one sitting. I was no longer physically attracted to him and found sex a chore (having 25 stone on top of you wasn't pleasant). If you aren't happy leave, physical attraction is a big thing in a relationship and so is sex.

You don't talk about your partner's feelings at all? Surely they matter.... You are absolutely allowed to break up with someone because you don't want to have sex and you don't want to live in a sexless relationship. But she is aware of how you feel?

It doesn't matter what anyone says on this thread. You don't want to have sex with your partner, and that isn't likely to change. There are men out there who would likely find your partner desirable... And she deserves the chance as a woman to be desired by her partner/lover.

They say love is conditional. One of your conditions for your partner is staying slim, it's a bit shallow and not something I desire ( I wouldn't have a relationship with you because I don't like shallow people, my prerogative)....

I'm not sure what you're looking for here?

I don't think its remotely shallow to have a overriding preference for a physical type. I don't find overweight men attractive. I only date slim men and would not want to have sex with an overweight partner, however fond of them I was. I think you need to have a difficult but honest conversation with your partner...

Honestly Mark, life is too short to not be having good sex. You don't fancy her and that's ok. Either an awkward and honest conversation needs to be had or you finish it.

I don't consider this to be necessarily shallow.
Often it's not simply to do with the weight, there is a lot that often goes along with weight gain that can have a detrimental effect on the intimacy and relationship...being too self conscious to do certain things, the person wanting to cover up, sex with the lights off, not being touched in certain spots...

Sometimes people gain weight and complain about it all the time without actually doing anything about it which can be frustrating.

Some people find it unattractive when someone isn't motivated to keep themselves reasonably fit and healthy too.

But even if it was just about physically attractiveness then there isn't really anything wrong with that, no one seems to find men who are attracted to BBW 'shallow' even though they have a clear preference for body type

I don't think you're being shallow at all. You're not in this relationship to be your partner's caretaker whilst forgoing all your own needs. Whilst her putting on weight is not the issue, it's more her lack of interest in exercise. This is a crucial part of keeping healthy, and just as someone would not tolerate smoking, or binge drinking, or drug taking - lack of exercise is equally unhealthy and dangerous.

Unfortunately, other than delving deeper into why she doesn't like to exercise (a difficult job is no excuse, it takes hardly any time to go for a walk or do 15 minute HIIT workouts in your living room - I recommend BBG or Joe Wicks), there's not much you can do. Can you cook healthier meals and try to ban junk food/cola/whatever the offending diet product is for both of you at home?

At the end of the day, you can break up for any reason you want (if you don't have kids), and leave any relationship that doesn't fulfil you. Don't guilt her anymore if she doesn't want to do anything, but equally don't suffer in silence. Leave her, and find someone who has a compatible view towards food, exercise and health as you, and let her find someone more compatible with her.

Like others have said, there must be a reason for her overeating. It’s not just as simple as “eat less and exercise”.
Is she depressed? Is she stressed with work? Who does the cooking?

I disagree with what other posters have said regarding dumping her. It’s completely normal to stop fancying someone who’s has vastly changed.
You need to get to the root cause of her weight gain before you can go further.
If she feels your constantly on at her about food/exercise the her self esteem must be at rock bottom.

If she isn't doing anything about it then it must be annoying for you.

Supposedly one of the key things when it comes to exercise is finding a form of activity/exercise you enjoy, such as dancing or whatever, so the person maintains it.

She could follow some Youtube aerobics or something during lockdown.

I had a cheap running machine once from Argos (it was about £85 at the time) that folded up when needed. I would put it in front of the telly and walk on it for 3x ten minute bursts over the day. As it's on a slope it burnt about twice as many calories as walking and was very effective. Nowadays I plan to do some aerobics instead, though.

Personally I love Pokemon Go, so that makes walking less boring- same would go for Geocaching if she finds she's good at that. There's also an app called Randonautica that sends you to random locations.

Calorie intake is the most important thing, though.

It is very easy to put on weight as we have so much food available everywhere. Each individual actually needs a strategy to avoid putting on weight.

It can also help to, as WeightWatchers put it 'Sort your Surroundings'-- she could avoid having high calorie foods within easy reach. I'm staying with a friend during lockdown who has to try and keep on weight due to his health. I would never have these treats lying around at home, so did put on weight. Eventually, I got him to lock all his chocolate, cakes, biscuits etc in a locked box I bought from Amazon. It must help a little.

There are so many things she could try, joining some sort of forum/group online for motivation might help.

I don't think there's much you can do if she can't be arsed.

Do you think she's depressed or anything?

I don’t think it’s shallow of you at all , I don’t find over weight people attractive and I do expect people to take care of there physical appearance as do I on myself however she’s obviously not bothered about losing weight (her choice) I think you need to leave her if it’s an issue. She probably will lose the weight then lol happens every time

You don't like her being fat. She doesn't have to lose weight for you.

Eventually one of you needs to end it.

It's not shallow to not find over weight people attractive. That's just his type in women how can he change what he finds attractive? I would never date a man who's over weight. I'd suggest talking to her about your feelings and if nothing changes you should then make your decision. No sex for a year sounds crazy. Sex is a important part of a relationship sounds like you are more friends.