Single mum in 40s; feel like I'll be alone forever

[anonymousmouse123]

I'm 43, two beautiful DDs (11&9) and 3 years divorced from cheating-ass exH.

I've always be the sort of person who likes to please other people. As a result of this, with hindsight I see that my exH never respected me from day one. Oh the things that he did... I'm sad that I never realised this and feel angry with myself.

I've spent the last year working on healing myself. I'm following my gut instinct and moving into a way of life that is more 'me' and makes me happy. I'm working on my body issues and starting to love myself. I've stopped dying my hair. I'm getting more involved in activism causes that matter to me. I'm getting into my gardening. I bought a pair of dungarees off ebay last week and can't stop wearing them and smiling. I pursue things I'm interested in without needing to worry about a partner making fun of me. I'm less stressed about life and happier at home for my girls. On the face of it; I'm happy. And I really am happy.

But deep down, I still dream that I will meet my soul mate; someone who gets me and finds me sexy and wants to build something with me and leave the world a better place. I feel so lonely sometimes. I feel sad and jealous when I see happy couples. I was seeing a guy for a few years on-and-off but he wasn't for me. I've dipped my toe into OLD but haven't had a great experience and it's made me feel worse if anything.

My life is almost totally how I want it right now and in fact, I'd hate to live with a man again. To compromise. To worry about how I look in the morning. To deal with petty day-to-day frustrations.

I have a creeping feeling that people feel sorry for me. I also worry that I'm becoming less attractive to men. And I want to punch myself in the face for saying that. Even though I hate that I feel this way, this has been drummed into me and reinforced everywhere. I'm happy by myself but worry that I'm becoming too set in my ways. And as much as I adore my girls, they are extremely possessive of me and say outright that they don't want me to get a boyfriend. My eldest likes to keep tabs on me and always know where I am and what I'm doing!

I'd like to find real love eventually but am starting to lose hope.

Can anyone relate?

I could have written your post. I'm the same age and have 2dc although mine are a little older. They too don't want me to find someone. I've been single for quite a bit longer than you and have done the whole online dating thing. I feel the same as you as in I'm generally happy with my life. I started a new job a few years ago that I can easily progress in, I have lots of friends, and I can do what I like without having to compromise. I also don't think I could live with anyone again either. However, for the first time in years I woke up the other day and felt horrifically lonely. I'm starting to feel insignificant and I do believe people must look at me and pity me because I'm alone. It's probably just me projecting my thoughts upon them but it taunts me. I also want to punch myself in the face when I think like that
You're not alone though - there's two of us now hahaha

Ah thank you @Bloatedandconfused nice not to feel so alone. I've been doing really well but these feelings have crept up on me. I'm starting to dread the weekends when my DDs are with their dad. I keep myself busy and did have a second saturday job which I loved, until Covid. But if I let myself, I could just mope about all weekend. I don't let myself though.

I'm starting to feel more whole in myself. Love myself more. I wish I could find The One though but feels like time is running out. Am trying to hold my nerve and trust that I'm doing what I need to and that it'll come good in the end. I don't want to end up alone.

I could have written your post OP. I turn 40 early next year with two late teen DDs who don't want me to meet anyone. I've tried online dating which has broken my self esteem totally and I've been left heartbroken by a FWB recently.

I've been trying to accept being single and trying to embrace all the positives of which there are many. But like you, I long to meet my soul mate and find a man who loves and accepts me, something I've sadly never had, despite being married before. I don't believe it will ever happen for me and I get tearful when I see couples everywhere, especially with the festive season coming up.

I dont have any advice I just wanted to say I can relate. As a young girl I never dreamed at nearly 40 I would be alone and unloved like I am, I'm a soppy fool I know.

I think so much of what you have said here is wonderful . You’re focussing on you , enjoying life and savouring the present.
Not trying to negate any of what you feel one bit , it’s all totally valid but just for another perspective maybe , I think it’s also important to remember that we all feel lonely at times even when in relationships and also that some of the people in the couples you look at admiringly would undoubtedly look at your life and crave singledom at times
As for the becoming less attractive to men , ha , well all of us ladies getting older are becoming less attractive in societies eyes , that is to say less attractive to the WRONG kind of men . Think of your beautiful expression lines and maturing if body as a filter for men who are only concerned with youthful looks and see women as commodities
You’ll atttract men for sure , but less of that kind and who wants them anyway
You’re doing so well . You should be incredibly proud of who you are and all you have achieved.

I absolutely relate. I separated two years ago and have dated ALOT since then.

I have no problems attracting men and have made a couple of friends who I can have sex with if want as well as having had some flings but as for someone I could have an ongoing relationship with as part of my normal life (I.e. meeting my friends and family), I don't think they're out there.

I look better than ever, am fit and healthy, have a good job, lovely home, great kids and friends. I have lots of interests and love to travel. I have a good life but am starting to feel that not needing a partner means that I'm not prepared to make the compromises that having one would entail and that means I need to get used to being fundamentally alone. Its hard, especially in winter and during lockdown.

I can relate too. I am 42, divorced, 2 children. I am still living with ExDH until we both complete on our respective houses early next year. We've recently moved to a new area where we know no one. I've also started a new career. Right now I am just trying to find my feet with all these changes so I've had no time for hobbies.

Unlike you, I don't have many friends and none where I live. I'm also not close to my wider family. I am scare that the loneliness will really hit once I am living in my own place. At the same time, I absolutely cannot imagine ever living with a man again ( and wouldn't even consider it whilst my children are under 18). I can't even imagine dating at the moment as it has been so long! I would love to fall in love with someone and feel wanted and desired, I haven't given up hope it will happen.

I too can relate but I'm 51 🙄

Separated for just over 2 years and now divorced after EH had an affair with a colleague and is now living with her.

I have an early teen son who is with me 2/3rds of the time.

After a year on my own I dated and struck lucky on the third date and had a lovely 6 month relationship. We only saw each other when the DC was with his dad, we went out, we had fun and it was lovely. Until he relocated with work to the other end of the country just before lockdown ☹️

I started OLD again in the summer and it's hard, I've had quite a few dates but have only been attracted to a couple. One I had a couple of dates with recently and actually thought I'd found someone with potential turned out to be a player!

I've got my life together, good but hard job, nice house, lovely friends and am fitter than I've been in years. But I too feel very lonely at times, I want to meet someone and date them so go out, get dressed up, not go into a relationship where they're looking at moving in for a long time. I want the romance and the passion, not watching tv and doing their washing. I don't really want anyone moving in for a long time.

Very hard to find that, the guy last year was of the same thought as he'd come out of a long marriage and liked living alone.

The ones who seem to want that this time round just want sex, and I'm not adverse to having a FWB I don't want to be with a 50 year old man who's just shagging around!

It's so hard. My marriage ended out of the blue and I too never thought I'd be in this position at my age.

I meant to add this year is probably the worst year to be in this position and current lockdown and too many evenings sat at home watching tv are probably not helping how we feel!

@anonymousmouse123 you need to find your own happiness without relying on your soul partner to fill the void for you, I too am mid 40s, 3 kids and divorced, but am loving being single.

Have you got pets? Consider getting a dog? Companionship, loyalty, he would love to go for a walk with you in those fab dungarees.

If we can go out after lockdown then try to arrange a fun night out

@anonymousmouse123 I separated from my exH in 2013 and divorced in 2016. I have two DCs aged 11 and 12. Have you read anything around attachment theory? In the first few years of separation, I did not have the head space to date. Because of my attachment style (I've got an avoidant attachment style), I also prided myself on being independent and in the first few years post separation, I was having too much fun doing all the fun things single people did and made new single girl friends who could do with me. But I also felt the need to couple up (and felt very judged for being single) and I couldn't understand why. It was only when I read the attachment theory that I realised it's biological/evolutionary that I was then kinder on myself and not see me being single as a 'failure'. Meeting someone is as much luck as anything else! Anyway, I've dated on and off in the last few years, had an amazing FWB, some funny dating stories but mostly I have had laughs along the way... I also did some therapy last year as I dated someone who was still grieving his partner who died tragically and it messed with my head a little...

Anyway, I turned 44 recently and when lcokdown eased in late June, I met someone. It was funny as I only went on a date with him as I found him interesting (he's completely not what I would have gone for normally!). We are completely head over heels in love with each other. I actually don't know if we will last the distance but I have done so much thinking while single that I have decided that I will no longer judge a relationship on the longevity of it, but by how happy I am while I am in it. Also, I don't think there is such a thing as a soul mate, I think you can make very special connections with different people and my current man is very special indeed.

I have to say 2020 has been a truly shit year for most of us but meeting him has been the most amazing surprise of the year. I adore that man and he adores me too and I never thought I would feel that way about someone at my age. For my birthday recently, he organised a day of surprises (wasn't easy as my birthday was literally the day new restrictions came in) and I haven't had anyone do that for me like ever. It was the sweetest thing.

So I do think things can happen, perhaps not in the way you expect it to so be open to it. Good luck!

P.S. I did not want to live with a man again but suddenly finding myself considering how our lives could work together. Not happening soon but it's a nice thought now my kids need me less! Also, my older DC (soon to be 13), after NEVER showing any interest in my personal life, is asking questions about me having a boyfriend etc and he likes the idea (I suspect so I could leave him and his brother alone to their computer games!).

@anonymousmouse123

I'm 43, two beautiful DDs (11&9) and 3 years divorced from cheating-ass exH.

I've always be the sort of person who likes to please other people. As a result of this, with hindsight I see that my exH never respected me from day one. Oh the things that he did... I'm sad that I never realised this and feel angry with myself.

I've spent the last year working on healing myself. I'm following my gut instinct and moving into a way of life that is more 'me' and makes me happy. I'm working on my body issues and starting to love myself. I've stopped dying my hair. I'm getting more involved in activism causes that matter to me. I'm getting into my gardening. I bought a pair of dungarees off ebay last week and can't stop wearing them and smiling. I pursue things I'm interested in without needing to worry about a partner making fun of me. I'm less stressed about life and happier at home for my girls. On the face of it; I'm happy. And I really am happy.

But deep down, I still dream that I will meet my soul mate; someone who gets me and finds me sexy and wants to build something with me and leave the world a better place. I feel so lonely sometimes. I feel sad and jealous when I see happy couples. I was seeing a guy for a few years on-and-off but he wasn't for me. I've dipped my toe into OLD but haven't had a great experience and it's made me feel worse if anything.

My life is almost totally how I want it right now and in fact, I'd hate to live with a man again. To compromise. To worry about how I look in the morning. To deal with petty day-to-day frustrations.

I have a creeping feeling that people feel sorry for me. I also worry that I'm becoming less attractive to men. And I want to punch myself in the face for saying that. Even though I hate that I feel this way, this has been drummed into me and reinforced everywhere. I'm happy by myself but worry that I'm becoming too set in my ways. And as much as I adore my girls, they are extremely possessive of me and say outright that they don't want me to get a boyfriend. My eldest likes to keep tabs on me and always know where I am and what I'm doing!

I'd like to find real love eventually but am starting to lose hope.

Can anyone relate?

Hi OP. Thought Id comment as I can kind of relate although as a Dad there's obviously also differeneces.

I think your situation sounds quite healthy. You wont be happy with someone else unless you are happy in yourself. A new partner may only be a small part of your life in the comimg years. I can very much relate to the point of weekends of no contact with the kids feeling a bit lonely /isolating. Especially in this environment.

Ive been dating someone past few months and we meet up once a fortnight. There's been a couple pf occasions where we've extended to an over night stay but otherwise its been say meeting for an afternoon. It can at times feel a bit detached but is probably the right thing for us.

I think you'll be fine. When you dip your toe into dating again maybe be very honest in what you want. You may get lrss interest but that should mean better quality of interest.

What a lovely story Twoboys

Really pleased for you!

I'm 50 and ended my controlling and jealous marriage 4 years ago. After a year I started online dating. Went on some dates with guys who were nice but didn't feel anything. Had a couple of short relationships and restarted dating.

I am happier on my own than with the wrong person. I have my family, friends, hobbies, pets and I will never compromise on some fundamentals. I met a man this summer through old who is perfect. He exceeds my requirements and I am enjoying life so much and I am glad I didn't compromise.

Thank you @VivaVegas! I am very happy right now, that's all that matters. What I have realised is also having strong, clear boundaries help. With my current man, we had issues in the beginning relating to our (vastly!) differerent lifestyles but I was able to lay down some clear boundaries with him and prepared to walk away and he actually thanked me for being clear about what I needed. And since we decided we were going to give it a go, we have been so happy. It could all end tomorrow but I will be glad to have experienced it.

Hi everyone. Sorry to have vanished for a while... unintentional! Thank you for all your lovely and supportive messages. I appreciate them a great deal. And @TwoBoysTooMany76 that's wonderful to hear and it sounds like you have a very honest balanced approach to your relationship and it is wonderful.

For those suggesting hobbies and pets, I have all those things and more content than I've ever been in many ways; it's just that I still feel this sadness and loneliness. Maybe that means I'm still healing and not ready for a relationship. @stout thanks for the dad's perspective and good that you've found a relationship that works for you.

As some of you said, I have to keep in mind that in being more myself, I'm only going to repel people who aren't suitable which is something to be happy about. Thanks for the reminder.