Physical intimacy differences (possible TW)

[Slankets]

I have been with my partner for 2 years we get on great 99% of the time, he's a good person, he's kind, helpful, great with my daughter (4) everything a partner should be really.

There's an issue though and I think its mostly mine but its hard for both of us so I wanted some outside perspective.

I have a history of severe sexual abuse as a child, as a result I hate cuddling in bed, it makes me feel trapped i get flashbacks I cant breath I freeze. He thinks its unreasonable and when I've tried to explain he just doesn't get it, he says he isn't that guy and its perfectly normal to want to cuddle your partner in bed, which i get i do get that thats normal but I just can't.

We are intimate and have a sex life but its the cuddling I cant handle and I dont know why thats my trigger but it is and the more he pushes it the more I push away.

Do I need to just get over it? If not how can I make him understand that its not personal? Is it fair to him to be in a relationship without cuddling? I wish I was just normal and could get over it but I cant.

You absolutely do not have to endure anything.

You say he is great 99% of the time but I'd be surprised if you delve deeper if this is a totally the case.

He doesnt need to have personal experience of the same thing to understand that this is a horrible thing you went through and you have triggers. It's called common sense. AND you've told him NO. But he keeps trying to push the issue.

It isnt on ok. And if he continues to try and force you into something you arent comfortable with and ignore your boundaries, it's really a ltb issue.

It sounds like you have been perfectly clear with him already tbh.

That being said, it might be useful if you can speak to someone about this and see if that might make it easier. Not for him but for you.

And I'm assuming you show him affection in other ways to make up for the lack of cuddles. Not that the handsy git deserves it by the sound of things....

You absolutely should never do anything you are uncomfortable with, and it's not fair of him to nag you about it. Especially since you've explained why.

However, he is absolutely within his rights to leave you if cuddling is a big deal for him and he feels he's not getting his emotional needs met. A lifetime is a long time to go without something that is important to you - and it just may be that you are both incompatible on this. It could also be that it's not the cuddling per se that upsets him, but the fact that you associate him with your past trauma, and that can be a difficult thing for him to feel. Talk to him and understand just why it bothers him, how much of a deal breaker it is, and whether you both can find a compromise.

OP I’m so sorry, this definitely your issue so please don’t blame yourself. Having been through similar I’m absolutely disgusted on your behalf. How can he think YOU are unreasonable after what you’ve been through?! And if you’ve explained your reasoning to him and how it triggers you how can he still be happy to try and cuddle you knowing how it gives you flashbacks and takes you back to previous trauma.

Honestly OP he is a complete jerk, I’m sorry but no decent man would ever do that to someone he loves and I’m so appalled for you I had the luck to marry a decent man who understands and is loving, supportive and understanding. It doesn’t sound like your partner is a good guy at all and if he doesn’t understand now and put your needs first I doubt he ever will. You deserve so much better! I’m betting there are other instances where he disregards your feelings and puts himself first? This is not a 99% great man!

I assume you explained about your trigger when you got together? It was his choice whether to move forward knowing you can’t cuddle. This definitely isn’t something you can just get over, and as you said you can’t. If he can’t once and for all accept what you’ve said and respect you by staying within your boundaries then I see no future for the two of you. I’m sorry but you so deserve better

He seems to find it difficult to put himself in your shoes here. It might be helpful to explain to him that:
a) you acknowledge that he doesn't understand that someone can have a strong negative reaction to being cuddled in bed
b) but you expect him to believe you, at a minimum, when you say that you dislike it
c) and therefore, if he believes it makes you unhappy, he should also respect your request to stop doing it

This way you avoid a situation where he feels entitled to do what he wants because you haven't justified your feelings to his satisfaction. In this situation, you have made a real effort to help him to understand by explaining your background, so it's no longer incumbent on you to try and you now have the right to be left alone. He should therefore make the effort to believe that you genuinely feel this way even if he can't tap into your perspective.

Sometimes I have to take a step back and realise that you can be mystified about how someone's arrived at their POV but still accept that they feel that way and attune your approach to that fact. It can help to consciously remind yourself of that.

*Naturally you always had the right to be left alone physically speaking - I mean the right to stop being made to justify yourself

Thank you for all your responses, your right im just sick of justifying myself i cried the other night because he just made me feel that I have no right to my own feelings and my own autonomy, I try to meet him in the middle and tell him where he can and can't put his hands (this is the middle because I would prefer there was no hands but atleast this way I feel in control of the situation) and its still not good enough for him.

I will try and explain again and see if it helps

This is awful. It may only be 1% bad but that 1% will poison your whole relationship.

He isn't a "nice guy " if he insists on doing something you hate, that causes you distress and flashbacks to a traumatic time. You've explained all this and his attitude is basically "tough, I want to cuddle you, so I dont care what you think, I WILL".

Are you being led into feeling you're unreasonable because it's "only cuddling"? It's still a physical assault on your body that you've asked him not to perform AND HE DOES IT ANYWAY. He isn't even willing to compromise (though I don't think you should have to compromise on bodily autonomy to be honest).

Try replacing it with another type of assault and see how it sounds. " My boyfriend insists on anal sex when we go to bed together. I've told him I dont want to and it's physically and mentally traumatic for me but he says it's natural to do that with your partner and he won't stop. AIBU? "

Sorry I've realised some posters will think I'm out of line for using a rape analogy and I'm sorry if that has upset anyone. The point I was trying to make is that he knows he's assaulting you, you aren't consenting and he still doesn't care.

He needs to get over it. I am the same, I can't stand cuddling in bed but thats not because of any reason as awful as yours, I just can't stand it. DP is a cuddler and sometimes ages a fuss but I swiftly tell him where he can go if he doesn't like it. He is being really selfish to insist on crossing your boundaries like that.

Has he always tried to cuddle you in bed, and you’ve always expressed distress?

Or have you cuddled him in the past okay, but it has more recently become triggering for you?

If the former, I’m kind of with the other posters here and he’s being pretty horrible.

If the latter, he still needs to respect your boundaries, but it’s probably worth questioning if he is feeling a sense of rejection that you have STOPPED wanting to cuddle him when it used to be fine. He may well find it hard to believe the change is to do with part trauma in this case. He would be wrong, but it would be a very understandable feeling on his part, and maybe you both need some support rather than it being a LTB issue...

You dont need to explain again. He gets it. He just thinks his desires are more important than basic respect for his partner.

Be prepared for him to ignore your other needs and bulldoze your other boundaries moving forwards.

You cant teach someone to respect you. Dont get caught in the cycle of trying. You don't have to compromise your boundaries for anyone.

he says he isn't that guy and its perfectly normal to want to cuddle your partner in bed,

He's right. He's trying to show you some affection and you're mentally linking that to sexual abuse. That's pretty heavy. Perhaps there is something you can give him to read that would explain it. If it's still a problem for you both then you've a difficult decsision to make.

How about cuddling on the sofa ? Could you start with that? Or let him brush your hair; or you give him a back massage.

Of course you have every right to stop him doing something you don't want.

But he is right that cuddling in bed is a normal gesture of affection and desire to most couples.

Some compromises will be needed to avoid this issue undermining your relationship.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP.

I had a similar issue and only made real progress once I removed the 'threat' of being touched in bed and my partner was onboard. I spent so much time making sure we didn't go to bed together or I woke up first so I wouldn't have to reject him or have contact I didn't want (although he would take it quite well unlike my ex). I was on edge a lot of the time in anticipation. I eventually took all contact in bed off the table for quite a long time but now we are able to have enthusiastic contact that would never have been possible if I hadn't had a period where I knew I was safe from triggers. It's like I needed a re-set to think that bed could be a safe space and he is happier because he knows that I want to be held, touched etc. It sounds counter intuitive because we're so used to just getting on with stuff, pushing through, grit your teeth etc but trauma doesn't work that way. Sometimes you have to step away to step forward.

I really hope that he listens to you and respects your boundaries. That pressure and feeling of conflict is unbearable.

He's either not very bright or he's a complete prick. Of course you have a right to your own autonomy and he should respect that. You have a sex life, you're intimate with him and if he loves you that should be more than enough. He's needs to respect your feelings, if he can't I would truly question my future with such an imbecile.

I'm so sorry for what you went through

I think he's being massively unreasonable, and it's probably worth stepping back from your relationship a bit and really thinking about whether he is a good, kind partner to you generally.

Leaving that aside, it might be worth trying to address your triggers through EMDR or perhaps another therapy, if you haven't already? Just so that you could have the cuddles as part of a relationship, even if it turns out not to be with him in the long run.