Partner is argumentative

[Woahisme]

My partner constantly finds things to argue with me about. It could be the most trivial thing but he argues a lot, gets defensive over the slightest of things and never tries resolve anything.

It seems to be cyclical, I.e. we will go through phases of being fine but then every month there seems to be a week or two where he is cranky and starts finding things to pick apart about me.

I've had enough. It's been like this for years and I only really noticed the pattern during lockdown. We have children and what's worse is they hear how he speaks to me. I can't even ask him to do anything without him flipping.

Any advice welcome. Thanks.

Speaking as an adult who grew up in a house where this was the norm, I can tell you first hand how damaging it is to children.
It is damaging your children.
Do what you need to do to stop it as soon as you can.

Funnily enough my sister now is on this kind of relationship.
It’s excruciating to spend any time with her & her partner. So I don’t. I avoid them at all costs.
She sticks with it though year in year out.
I feel sorry for her child.

That would mean him leaving, I can't go on like this. My mental health is shattered, I'm sure the kids is as well. I came from a house where arguments were always discussions, usually when I was in bed and my parents always had a lot of humour keeping them ticking along. My relationship is far from that and I feel exhausted and broken. I always try to discuss the issues but he retaliated rather than viewing it as a resolution exercise. I think he lacks the emotional intelligence to deal with things properly and its ruined the relationship and my view of him completely. I don't think he even cares.

I want to end the relationship, it doesn't even qualify being called a relationship. It would break my kids heart of he was to leave but I feel utterly exasperated by the whole thing.

We had a talk last week about conflict resolution, he agreed he could handle things better. Then when the time comes for him to put it into practice he goes back to default argumentative nasty mode. It all feels like an wasted effort, I've found loads of resources on line about dealing with conflict and keeping things running smoothly and he will look through it with me (this has happened a number of times over the years) but he doesn't ever come good. I'm wasting my time arent I? I'm absolutely drained and feel like I've wasted years of my life with this pig. I dont want to hurt the kids though.

If you stay with him you will just have wasted more years and cemented even more firmly in your children's minds how people behave with each other. It's no excuse but I imagine he learned this behaviour himself in his own family?
Anyway, you seem to have tried hard to show you are not ok with it, he hasn't changed, you don't even like him any more. I think it's clear a split is the best option for everyone. Including in the long run your kids.

I know you are right pog, I just really don't want to hurt them but they've already suffered enough.
His parents never argue, so I don't get why he is like he is. He has always had a pretty streak in him, but now it soon became full blown emotional immaturity and an unwillingness to ever look at how badly he handles things. He gets angry easily then blames me for his behaviour. I can ask him a simple question and its met with hostility. Lately the shower has been leaking into the kitchen, he repaired it, but I asked him whilst he was downstairs if he could just check it again whilst I'm going to get a shower. Instead of saying yeah, sure, he gave me a load of shit for asking him. I said I didn't mean stop everything to do it, I just meant when you've got a spare few seconds whilst I'm showering, and he gave me shit for it.

Petty*

He is abusive and what you are describing here re him is the cycle of abuse. The nice and nasty cycle you are seeing here from him is called the cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. You cannot rescue and or save him, you can only save your own self.

You will only hurt your own self as well as your children if you were to stay with him. I also doubt very much if it would break you kids heart too if you were to separate. These children are walking on eggshells as much as you are. Women’s Aid are well worth contacting here too.

Is it abuse or just him being angry? He is fine with me when I shiw lots of affection etc. But he will never offer affection. But he is fine with me when I offer and i do so as a way to show him I care about him and make him feel at ease. But then it starts again. He is stressed with work at the mo, but so am I lately, I've been having to work over time as covid has made everything harder at work. I dont take it out on him though.

The kids adore him, even though he doesn't spend much time with them. He barely talks to any of us, unless its telling the kids to do or not so something and with me he doesn't really engage in discussion about anything. It's like he finds it hard to hold a conversation. Sorry I just need to get this off my chest. I feel frustrated and disheartened and need to put it into words before I crack. If he leaves the only place he can go is his parents and they are elderly so I'm worried about covid.

Why do you think they adore him?.

They do not so much adore him as fear him like you do. Do not for one minute think your kids adore him, they are treading on eggshells just as much if not more so than you are.

So what if he goes to his parents?. Where he goes too is not your problem ultimately so why do you feel responsible for him. He is also healthy physically so COVID here should not be a concern. Given his nature too he will likely refuse to leave so you will have to employ legal means to get him out. Occupation and or non molestation orders may well have to be sought by you here.

Yes that's abusive. Think about it.

If your child came to you saying "mum can you help me with my homework" and you shouted "for God's sake leave me alone, you're doing my head in, why are you always moaning on at me" - would you think that was abusive? If it happened pretty much 99 times out of 100?

What do you want your children to learn about relationships, this is no model to be showing them .
He is angry because he is abusive. He has a problem with anger, Your anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. He can control himself around others and is probably quite plausible to those in the outside world. It is behind closed doors that his true nature has emerged.

I never really thought about it like that before, Vexation. I am going to ask to leave, if only to get some space. Its tricky with lockdown 2 but I really can't see a way forward with him being under the same roof. I need time to think and he is clouding my thoughts. He is a grown man, he can look after himself.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What do you want your children to learn about relationships, this is no model to be showing them . He is angry because he is abusive. He has a problem with anger, Your anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. He can control himself around others and is probably quite plausible to those in the outside world. It is behind closed doors that his true nature has emerged.

Spot on! He is never like he is with me to anyone else. I've told him he is modelling bad behaviour on the kids. He says I know. Then continues. I feel sorry for them.

It’s worse than just modelling bad behaviour, he is abusing you and in turn them. All he cares about is his own self. This relationship is over anyway because of his abuse of you and in turn them.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.