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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

sleepsex; are you groped in your sleep too?

25 replies

hopeandpray · 17/10/2007 19:48

Does anyone have any experience of this..or any solutions? Sleeping separately now because woken up by partner initiating sex in his sleep. Makes me feel like meat. Has been to a sleep centre and there's something wrong but the sedatives they prescribed just made him snore. Am bearing with it bcause 6yr olds dd but...

OP posts:

donnie · 17/10/2007 19:50

errrr..........what?

meandmy · 17/10/2007 19:53

no im fully awake when i harrass dp wake him nicely though

screamsprout · 17/10/2007 19:59

Is he conscious of doing this?

ElenorRigby · 17/10/2007 20:43

Yep and I love it

ScaryMonsterStories · 17/10/2007 20:46

Well I was awoken by a bit of fondling many years ago...the best sex in the world followed.

When we spoke about it the following morning apparently I woke him by fondling him in his sleep.

So apparently we in full on foreplay whilst both asleep.

SAdly has only happened the once though...

97PercentGingerbread · 17/10/2007 20:49

Gawd my dh does this all the time. He used to be quite violent in his sleep. He was having nightmares due to an extremely stressful job. He changed jobs and now is rather attentive in his sleep instead.

I know how you feel. I always think if I tell people in rl they will think 'ooh lucky you' but how do I explain that it's not like your dh who you know and love making romantic gestures. If your dh is anything like mine, he will just leap on you, try to go straight in for the kill etc? Lots of groping out of nowhere? Quite insistent?

I have found the only way to stop him is to push his hands or whatever away and say NO quite forcefully. Otherwise try waking him, rolling him over, moving out of reach etc.

You have my sympathies. It can be frightening/annoying/occasionally funny I know. At his worst I only have to brush against him and he's on red alert.

I do find that he's worse if he's tired and has very little control over what he's doing

bigboydiditandranaway · 17/10/2007 20:57

I know how you feel, it drives me mad as it's always when i'm really tired and he always wakes me up

I used to think he was being a selfish pig and was obviously telling fibs that he didn't know what he was doing as he was fast asleep.

Thankfully it doesn't happen very often, i think it's when he's stressed/tired and i just firmly say no/get off/push him away, men......

fawkeoff · 17/10/2007 21:00

i think it's great when i am woken for some lovin off dp TWICE last week.

zisforzebra · 17/10/2007 21:50

Yep, occassionally. He also has lots of nightmares/jumping out of bed etc so I think it's just an extension of that. I just do what 97%GB does, push him away and say "FFS" mostly!! It always seems to happen at 4am when I'm absolutely knackered, otherwise I wouldn't mind so much!

goingfriggincrazy · 17/10/2007 21:54

Am i mad?..I actually love this,that sleep drunkeness of doing it at silly o'clock and completely half asleep...always seems so full on and ermmm blush emotion hot.

Original poster

hopeandpray · 17/10/2007 22:05

No he's not consious and praps I wouldn't care so much if it wasn't all there is! Just both horribly stressed for too long I think. Thank you 97PercentGingerbread and bigboydiditandranaway, feel less insane now and shall just do what 97% GB does!

OP posts:

Elizabetth · 17/10/2007 22:12

Jug of water beside the bed. That'll soon get through to his subconscious.

Original poster

hopeandpray · 17/10/2007 22:13

you made me laugh!!

OP posts:

TrickorTreat · 17/10/2007 22:16

Wasnt there an article in the papers about this recently??????

97PercentGingerbread · 18/10/2007 10:02

Just to confirm this is not husband gets a bit randy in the night you have mutually fulfilling sex, it's a sleep problem like any other.

I know I sound like a cold fish who can't bear her husband making advances in the night, but it's not actually how you think. He doesn't 'come to' (aherm) during these fumblings and you end up both enjoying something conscious and spontaneous. He is locked away in a very deep sleep, is not actually aware of your physical presence and acting out what he is dreaming. It's a sleep disorder where their bodies should be in the state of sleep where they are paralysed but instead they are acting out their dreams. The lack of control they have means it is far from an enjoyable grope (wouldn't mind if it was)- it's unpredictable. For example, my husband has no clue I still have pyjamas on as he's asleep. The woman in his dreams is clearly naked. He tries harder, fumbles about and becomes frustrated, no awareness of where I am and what I'm doing so I get elbowed in the stomach or leant on or half crushed. He has no memory of any of this in the morning.

Not an enjoyable experience.

Anyway, like I said, it's worse if he's tired or stressed and saying NO very loudly and shoving him away usually stops him.

HappyDaddy · 18/10/2007 10:04

Blimey DW likes when I do this. If I didn't we'd never have any as we're both so knackered all the time!

PrettyCandles · 18/10/2007 10:11

This sounds a bit like night terrors. Not that it is a night terror, but it has the same lack of awareness and control about it. Does it happen in a predictable way at all? You link it to stress, what about the time of night? Can you set some sort of alarm to disturb him (and you too I suppose ) so that he doesn't go into that phase of sleep? This works when trying to avert a night terror, I wonder whether it would work for your dhs.

DaDaDa · 18/10/2007 10:24

I'm 'guilty' of this on occasion. But it has also occasionally led to a good-time-had-by-all.

I have night terrors too where I feel like I am conscious and fitting, but locked inside my body unable to move. I can manage the night terrors by not sleeping on my back (and can sometimes subconsciously get out of them by moving my arm a little) but the can't control the other when it's happening. Maybe show him a little regular kindness as preventative medicine?!

FioFio · 18/10/2007 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Elizabetth · 18/10/2007 12:50

Just as a matter of interest hopeandpray, how is your husband trying to deal with this? Does it disturb him that he is treating you like this when he is asleep?

Original poster

hopeandpray · 18/10/2007 20:53

97%gingerbread describes it perfectly. The idea about an alarm is interesting, I'll suggest it. When he was monitored at the sleep centre the brain wave activity became 'abnormal' 2 hours in. He's mortified and has talked about leaving...I think he's mostly worried about it getting out and impacting on his professional reputation more than anything...although to be fair it must be v.disturbing to be out of control in that way.

He's human in that he'd want to ignore it but aggressive, out of control, unconscious sexuality happens to be my worst nightmare so he did the sleep centre thing and tried the medication. Now he uses valerian which seems to take the edge off...not so aggressive. He's never been that confident that way which suprised me and was one of the things that made me feel safe around him...all very ironic. I worry a bit about the suspected genetic element..would be very happy to find a solution but knowing I'm not living a scary parallel existence to everyone else made me much happier...and there's always the water jug!

OP posts:

97PercentGingerbread · 19/10/2007 09:58

Good luck to you. Similarly, my dh is a very kind, gentle and sensitive man. The behaviour he exhibits in his sleep is nothing like the man I know which is what is most terrifying I think. I would imagine that your dh is the same as mine in that he's ashamed/apologetic/sad that this is happening and he has no control over it. He is happy for me to do whatever is necessary to wake him up and stop him.

I hope you find some kind of resolution. And let me know if you do.

pixiella · 24/10/2007 15:53

LOL when i saw this thread i felt relieved cos my dp did this the other night and i woke up feeling very...abused, like a piece of meat - especially as i wasn't wearing any pj's..i felt like i was being molested and my private sleep space was being invaded!
in the morning i was really grumpy with him and by the afternoon he said 'what's wrong' and i said 'i was really upset with you last night about what you did...i was asleep and you woke me up and i said get off me but you didn't listen!" and he didn't know what I was talking about...but then he was like 'oh yes actually i remember waking up to you saying get off me..i swear i was asleep and i didnt know what i was doing!' pfffffttt
I don't know if he was telling the truth or not but it was really annoying anyway. glad im not the only one who suffers from sleep groping!
actually now that i think about it, it was a bit more than groping - he actually tried to...go in for the kill, so to speak.lol.

but on the other hand....i am sometimes partial to early morning sleepy sex. JUST NOT AT 4am!

Monkeytrousers · 02/12/2007 12:49

This is called 'sleep crawling' in some other cultures. I was looking at some data about cultures which claimed to be rape free and found this, In the Woleat (Ifaluk) an ethnographer "stated that rape was rare in this society, and adds that sleep crawling (attempting to have intercourse with a woman whilst she sleeps) which he sees as a variation on rape, is more common.

Monkeytrousers · 02/12/2007 12:50

It diesn't say, I should add, if this was attempted by partners or non partners.

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