Help - what is wrong with me?

[NewNameForAdvice]

I have changed my user name for this question. I really could do with some advice.

I have been dating a really decent man. He loves me, is kind and we live apart and meet up around 2 times a month. We have so much fun, do all sorts, have great sex, we both have high sex drives and a great match in that respect.

However, my problem. Every so often I get really cold towards him (when I haven't seen him for a while) and just want to end the relationship. I push him away. There is obviously something wrong with me and it feels like I am testing him. Why do I do this? Does anyone else do this? It is stupid and one day he will just have enough and end it. Why do I do this? Someone said it is due to me having an 'insecure attachment' type. I have no idea.

Thoughts?

Yes I can relate, it can be fear of attachment,being hurt in the past, insecure attachment or even borderline personality disorder ( which I have traits of, but am diagnosed as general anxiety disorder ). I often push people away when I feel I am becoming too reliant on them, and then am terrified of abandonment and pull them back.

I have had counselling, but it is still a struggle to have a relationship.

What type of counselling? @Sangham

It sounds very like me. I did check out borderline personality disorder and I tick many boxes. I also tick boxes for ADHD and ASC

I just cannot help it. This time I managed to go a couple of months without pulling away or being cruel. I really don't mean to but something takes over and I have to push him away.

I think I ought to just be single - save a lot of anxiety

Can you talk to him op? Let him into your head before you teach then next push him away stage? If he's the right man maybe you can work through it together? After all, (in the nicest possible way) if you're thinking you should just be single you've nothing to loose, lol...

I had CBT first which wasnt the best but it was all I could get. I also had experience of dialectical behaviour therapy which was online,as not many places practice.

I've had to explain it to boyfriends a few times as it happens again and again.

I have tried to explain to him and he is very understanding. I know the problem is mine and try not to push away but cannot help myself. I do suffer from depression and get very high and bouncy and very low and want to just curl up and sleep.

Have you a mental health diagnosis?

It's good that he's understanding, you've obviously picked a good one...
Reading your update, It might be worth having a chat with your GP OP, maybe they can help? Have you always been so up and down?

Are you on medication for depression? It used to make me very hot and cold,as though I didnt care.
With the BPD side, again,I act as if I dont care,but will go into full blown panic if I have the abandonment fear. I have chased down and begged awful boyfriends to take me back,purely from fear of being alone.

Are you sure that you're actually pushing him away...or are you testing him to see if he gives you affirmations that he's going to stay?