DP and Children -Lawyers comment

[boymum9]

Just looking for some quick opinions!
Exh and I split over 2 years ago, process of divorce has been going on for a year and delayed because of COVID etc. It's been a tough couple of years because of his behaviour (can look back through my posts, but included him stalking me basically, hiding a camera in my house for a year, making things very difficult for new partner when I got one).

I've been with my partner for 18 months, and he's only met my children twice and that was only in the last couple weeks, and just quick park trips where he was there too. On the phone the other day my lawyer made a passing comment about how maybe we should slow that down until the settlement is reached which she alluded to could not be until next summer!

We've waited a long time to start moving forward with our lives and my partner being a part of my children's lives and it was a huge relief for him to finally meet them, for us both. But should I entirely put the breaks on that until a settlement is reached? This makes me really sad!

No don’t do that. Your new DP is totally irrelevant in your divorce. His financial means might be relevant if it was a very long term relationship and you were living together. Even then his circumstances are largely irrelevant.
I think your solicitor is being over cautious and I’m a family solicitor

@Aminuts23 thank you for your reply.
I was wondering if the lawyer was being cautious because of what she has suggested we go for in the settlement, that being the house. Ex h runs his own business and earns good money, he owns multiple other properties with his parents, I spent 10 years following him around the country and world for his career and could never establish my own, we have young children and decided I would be at home with them. Ex h is manipulative and I was wondering if she was thinking he was more likely to agree to things if there was distance between my DP and children, because this is something he still has issue with.

Your relationship will not have any bearing on what you’re entitled to. Yes it might make your ex awkward but he sounds like he might be awkward anyway. Don’t sacrifice your happiness. Make sure you stand your ground for you and your DC

thank you

@Aminuts23

Your relationship will not have any bearing on what you’re entitled to. Yes it might make your ex awkward but he sounds like he might be awkward anyway. Don’t sacrifice your happiness. Make sure you stand your ground for you and your DC

That's not entirely correct. If you are cohabiting with a new partner, it can affect the financial settlement. I believe there is precedence that if the courts consider you to be in a long term relationship, it can also affect the settlement. I can't find the case ATM. I would ask your solicitor to clarify what she meant.

@orangenasturtium she’s not living with him though

As I said @Aminuts23 I believe there is precedence that if the courts consider you to be in a long term, serious relationship, even if you are not yet cohabiting, it may affect the settlement. I can't find the case but this link form a law practice makes the same point:

www.cflp.co.uk/dating-during-divorce/

@orangenasturtium thank you, I just had a read through that.
The seriousness of a new relationship effecting the divorce and any settlement is why myself and new partner have distanced ourselves over this time, he's never stayed at my house and I've never stayed at his. Only recently very casually introduced to 2 ds. Obviously we have grown very close over this time and hope for a future together but have been cautious. We have had conversations of course in the past about our hopes and how we feel, unfortunately a lot of these conversation took place in my house which is where ex h had placed a secret camera and also multiple times stood at windows listening so he does ultimately know how we feel about each other, which worries me

Is your lawyer maybe worried about your ex 'digging in' if he gets angry about this new relationship? It's never the case that you 'get what you're entitled to'. It's often a bare Knuckle fight to get what you get. Maybe your solicitor is worried about increased animosity.

I would take it slowly anyway, whatever the legal reasoning.

You're out of a massively messy and abusive situation, and straight into a new relationship. You haven't had the chance to have a normal relationship with new partner without the stress and drama of this enemy figure of your ex hanging over the whole thing, which means heightened emotions and not enough thinking time. It's very common for women who have been through things like this to find themselves in similar relationships afterwards, because their sense of normal and boundaries have been skewed, or they had poor boundaries to start with.

Take your solicitor's advice. Slow down moving in etc. If it's right, it'll be right in six months time, in a year, whenever. Don't rush into domestic life and the mundane, enjoy the dating and slowly involving him in family life. You've got too much at stake in terms of your children's welfare and your own to make a mistake. If he's the right guy, then you have your whole lives, there's no hurry.

@category12 thank you, entirely agree, both myself and my partner have that same view on this, neither of us are in any rush and we realise that we've had a lot of external pressure on our relationship because of ex behaviour!
@WishingHopingThinkingPraying thank you, I see that completely

Have you had the chance to do any self-analysis or work through the aftermath of this abusive relationship? It might benefit you to do the Freedom Programme and to invest in yourself with some counselling, so that you're in a really good place in yourself.