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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How did you suddenly realize you were with a narcissist?

10 replies

Pebbledashery · 15/11/2020 19:12

Inspired by a few threads on here... it's raised the question in my mind, how did you know?
My red flags were... he used to refuse to eat any food I had made when he was going through his episodes, leaving his lunch behind that I made for work, refusing to eat the dinner I made, buying his own bread and milk when I had done a food shop, going through my phone and saying it was his right to, calling me a c every other sentence and saying he had every right to because he had no respect for me whatsoever, I was stonewalled for WEEKS, not 1 or 2, I mean 5 or 6 weeks! by the end of it when he agreed to move on - I just felt so broken, he used to gaslight me and say things to me that I knew weren't true and if I dared to question him he would make me write apology notes to him or say out loud that I was wrong because of XYZ, he told me I was fed in the head and needed to seek help and until I did he wouldn't ever change the way he was towards me, he said our daughter had mental health issues just like her mother, he cheated on me, lied, was NEVER EVER sorry - in the entirety of our relationship he never ONCE apologized to me, he had a way of turning around a situation where he was so clearly in the wrong and making it my fault.. this is not withstanding the physical and psychological abuse perpetrated towards me and our DD... by the time I left, I felt absolutely broken. But I am slowly getting my life back together and I am about to fight this b*stard with every fiber of my being in the Family Court.
So - what is it that made you realized you were dealing with a narcissist??

OP posts:
alm23x · 15/11/2020 19:19

Oh my god I'm so sorry you went through all of that :( well done on getting out!! He sounds absolutely .vile!

Pebbledashery · 15/11/2020 19:25

@alm23x thank you xx
I had to write a statement the other day as we have a hearing coming up, I listed all of his behaviours and said in the end I accepted this was my life and I had to deal with it and it was normality to me! It's frightening. I would never accept that life for my daughter!!

OP posts:
iJustWantToBeHappy · 15/11/2020 19:30

She would insult me and call me names when I ever called her out on things.

Calling me a w@nker when I suggested she was with someone.

Then she sent me a picture of something and it was geo tagged on a location.

I asked her if she was having a nice time at this house in Hampstead with a guy I knew who lived there.

She again tried to deny it.

She's now with him.

Pebbledashery · 15/11/2020 20:19

@iJustWantToBeHappy she sounds delightful!

OP posts:
widespreadpanic · 15/11/2020 22:40

This dude is more than a narcissist he’s sounds like a legit sociopath!

Pebbledashery · 15/11/2020 23:00

@widespreadpanic one of my old work colleagues called him that the minute he found out how I was being treated.

OP posts:
CupboardMonster · 15/11/2020 23:06

He refused to go to a concert with me because the tickets were too expensive. I'd already happily paid for the tickets as it was a gig I'd dreamed about going to for years, I took my friend.
He didn't buy/make a card or present for my 21st even though I'd travelled seven hours to be with him. I was upset and he raged and raged about my entitlement and what a terrible person I was to deliberately try and make him feel bad.
I could go on and on....

NiceandCalm · 15/11/2020 23:26

Mine was mostly a subtle narcissist, compared to yours. But I guess they all start off quite subtle and build up so that you don't actually see it and are so worn down you think it's normal/all your fault.
My lightbulb moment was when we went for couples counselling. Oh god, he was so clever, twisted everything round to my fault. Looking back I'm amazed the councillor didn't pick up on it. After about the 6th session I finally realised - this is who he is, he's loving all this and while I get more depressed, he was the happiest I've ever seen him. Funnily enough, I've mentioned on another thread how I got out. I let him think he'd won. I moved out on the basis that I wasn't cut out for living with someone (all my fault) but that we would continue the marriage. But honestly, it was my exit plan. After a year I ended it and he went ballistic. He eventually realised that I'd out manoeuvred him and he hated me for it. It came close to Police involvement.
Unfortunately I wasn't on mumsnet or had any computer access at the time and I didn't confide in friends or family, shame I suppose. When the light bulb moment came, the word narcissist didn't pop into my head, it was psycho!

Pebbledashery · 16/11/2020 08:38

I think the subtle ones are also equal as twisted and dangerous!

OP posts:
Mybobowler · 16/11/2020 08:48

The penny dropped when, within earshot of me, his friend made a comment about a girl my then-boyfriend had gone home with after a night out. When I confronted him about it literally minutes later, he said I was mentally unstable and that I was hearing things. There were months of red flags before that, but that was The Moment. I look back and shudder.

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