Control and manipulation

[LostInHydrogen]

So I posted before about about my unhappy sexless marriage and overall posters felt that maybe there were some boundary issues and I needed to be more assertive. Fast forward a year and it's not going well. I've dropped into feeling pretty depressed, and I've got my own therapist. We have been seeing a couples counsellor for about 10 sessions.

So four or five months ago I was having a heart to heart with my DW, explaining how I felt and she said that I was making her out to be abusive. That was the first time I'd ever really given it any thought.

But now I'm lost. For the first time in my life I confided to a female friend about my relationship who said she felt it was a coercive relationship. I discounted what she said in a way, because I think in my head I'm thinking it's worse than it is and the friend only hears about the bad points.

I raised it with my own therapist and said that a friend had mentioned this and she played it down. She said it didnt matter whether it was or it wasnt and it was more about how I reacted to it. So I've never discussed it anymore.

In couples counselling my DW admitted she can be controlling, and that she has anger issues. I've asked my DW to consider getting her own therapist but she is refusing. She was reluctant about couples counselling until I said I wanted to move out and then she agreed.

The couples counsellor suggested I use humour to deal with it. So for example, my DW thinks I'm a child and doesnt want to have sex with me because I sometimes leave the kitchen sponge in the sink or roll the toothpaste up which she doesnt like. So I should diffuse the situation with a joke.

The couples counsellor suggested to my DW it was just the delivery. Eg if something is wrong DW will say "great job with the hoovering, it must have taken you a long time" when she knows i haven't done it yet. I will then say something like "im still cleaning the bathroom" and she will then just say I'm to slow. Its draining and I've always coped by just shutting up.

This is not really about staying or leaving. It's about emotional abuse. Clearly the counsellors dont believe it exists, but my friend does. In my head I dont want to think it exists because I'm so shamed i could have let myself get in this position.

So what do I do. Does it really matter anyway? Do you discuss with your partner if you thinks its emotionally abusive. Will she change, should I expect her to change. What do I tell her if I do leave.

Is there anything else i should be doing?

Bump. I guess I am in myself searching for permission to leave but would love any help

No one can advise you on the course of action you should take because they do not have all the facts.
From your post you say that you're in
1, a sexless marriage
2, you are feeling depressed
3, the methods the couples counsellor suggested are draining you
4, your therapist suggested you choose how to react to it without suggesting a method. using the Gray Rock method for example.

Do you believe that looking at these facts and the time you've spent on saving this marriage is worth the effort and your mental well being?

Is there anything else i should be doing?

You should be retaining a solicitor to end your marriage. Sorry to be blunt, but it's true. You are miserable, your wife is abusive and admits it, yet she refuses to get help for herself. There is nowhere to go with this.

Your marriage is a misery. Get out and find happiness.

When I don't know what to do or question what is happening around me, I stop and think about how I am feeling.

It sounds like you don't feel good in this relationship. For whatever reason. Perhaps it is time to call it a day.

The couples counsellor suggested I use humour to deal with it. So for example, my DW thinks I'm a child and doesnt want to have sex with me because I sometimes leave the kitchen sponge in the sink or roll the toothpaste up which she doesnt like. So I should diffuse the situation with a joke

She said it didnt matter whether it was or it wasnt and it was more about how I reacted to it

Jesus. That's a very English way of dealing with conflict. Your therapists souns crap and I would discontinue immediately based on that 'advice' alone. All that does is shush your wife's frustration (be it just or unjust) until it will probably fester and build. Yes you can react like this, and yes you can easily point out the absurdity of some of her annoyances by using humour, but that doesn't fix anything. The point is that you shouldn't even have to do this in the first place. It will tire you out.

I have no idea if your wife is controlling or not, but these conflicts shouldn't arise to the point it's making your marriage do downhill. Your wife should feel like you take care of the kitchen properly which means not letting the sponge fester in the sink when it should be on the side, but you also need to feel relaxed in your own home so that your wife doesn't get to dictate how or if you roll up the bloody toothpaste tube!!

Sometimes the label of 'abuse' doesn't matter. People don't need the 'abuse' label to have permission to leave. A relationship can be highly dysfunctional and unhealthy in other ways that are difficult to fix. I'm concerned that your own therapist is framing unhealthy behaviour as something you have control over by 'controlling how you react to it' ......yes.....that's REALLY healthy isn't it?!! All that does is suppress your emotions which will build up and come out later, plus putting the onus on you like that would make some people feel like they are responsible for abuse. Obviously I wasn't privy to the whole conversation so there may be more to it that that. The other thing I would say is that your wife will not see her own therapist because she probably doesn't think she's bad enough to actually need one, or doesn't want to admit it. You need to contemplate what that means to you and your marriage. It sounds like you're trying hard to rescue it but you might be better off separating, or at least having a temporary separation to see how you both feel living without each other.