Issues with ex'a temper

[twinkletoes01]

I wasn't too sure where to post this so apologies if it's in the wrong place.

I have DC5 with my ex. We've been separated 4 years. Our relationship has been up and down since then - he's very controlling and isn't happy that DC lives with me etc. Now seems him 10 nights a month when he's always been 4, and I have a gut feeling he's going to try for more. Tried mediation but it was stopped due to him shouting at me. We don't have any contact - it's all done through his partner (who I get on well with).

Ex has always had a temper. It's never aimed at people - always things like doors, walls.

In a nut shell there has been a number of occasions over the past year where ex has lost his temper in front of our DC. It's not a constant thing, but it does happen now and again. There's been times he's smashed his phone by throwing it at the wall because he couldn't find his keys, he's broken off bits of his car interior, punched a whole in the TV as his controller wouldn't charge, broken more phones and put holes in doors. To put this in to perspective it's probably happened about once every 2 months. He calms down very quickly after.

It doesn't seem to scare DC massively (the tv one did), and he really loves his Dad. They have a good relationship and I know he'd never hurt him. There's no violence / shouting between ex and his partner.

DC has just returned from ex's to say his Dad got cross this weekend, punched and broke sofa.

I can't talk to ex as I get abuse. I've spoken to his partner and she agrees it's not ok. DC seems upset about it this time and I feel like I need to do something. But what can I do? Thanks for reading x

Sorry - title should read 'ex's temper'

• hole in the TV

Sorry for all the typos

If it was me personally I would be telling him he gets anger management help or you'll stop contact.

You say it's not scaring him much.. it will be. Your son will also learn this behaviour, I'd be surprised if he isn't showing those behaviours himself already.

You can't be sure he wouldn't hurt your son, maybe not directly but what if he was in the crossfire? He isn't safe to be in the care of some one who cannot control their emotions.

Totally understand your fear of dealing with a person like that, but if you're scared of him your son will be too. He needs to address his issues, if he really cares about his son he will get the help he needs to maintain contact with him.

He is abusive and its but a small step between hitting inanimate objects and hitting human beings. He does this because he can and it works for him. Mediation with him did not work unsurprisingly because he is abusive and therefore it was never going to work. In his mind he is not at fault here, everyone else is.

Were contact arrangements informally arranged?. Were you browbeaten by him to give him more contact with his child?

I would keep your son well away from this man going forward. What you are describing here from your ex are all examples of domestic violence and your son is still seeing his dad break objects. This man remains volatile and is certainly no role model for your child.

I would contact both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women for further help.

He is probably quite plausible to those in the outside world and can behave and otherwise control himself around outsiders.

AM courses are NO answer to domestic violence. He does not have a problem with anger but he has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you've call him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

Protect your child OP from this man. He will thank you for doing so; he cannot afford to grow up thinking that his dad's behaviour within the home is at all acceptable.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he doesn't get angry at people.. he gets angry at himself and the things he's going. Not finding keys, controller not working.. so anger management would help him.

This is not acceptable behaviour for a child to see. Your child will most likely copy the behaviour at some point.

Personally, I would dig a little deeper on the internet to see where this situation falls (some will see it as an unfit environment for a child) and take it from there.

'It doesn't seem to scare DC massively'

That's worrying because it means he is de-sensitised to violence. He has learned that this is normal behaviour.

What happens when he does this at work?

I would start recording incidents with dates as your son reports them, so that you have evidence if your son starts not wanting to go, or your ex tries to increase the contact.

His reactions to losing items is totally disproportionate. Many people as well do not resort to breaking items when they lose things. You cannot let your son grow up seeing this from his dad or for he to think his dads behaviour is at all normal. He is seeing this as something men do.

No our contact arrangement isn't formal! It's always been 4 nights a month but earlier this year he basically bullied me in to increasing to 10 nights a month.

I do make a note of all these incidents, I was just wondering what other people would do in this situation x