How much deep and meaningful conversation do you have with your long-term dh, dp, a day?

[Farewelltoqualms]

This isn't a ltb thread. I love my dh very much. It's more about feeling connected in a long-term relationship.

Maybe lockdown is getting to me. Feeling very low and demoralised atm. And I've been snappy which isn't like me.

We've been happily married for over twenty five years, teen dc, but I feel a bit invisible. I love and respect my dh who is kind, funny, intelligent, very good work ethic. Good emotional intelligence but not great at showing or demonstrating emotion. Total Englishman (I'm not English) ; calm, rational, avoids confrontation but is confident in himself. Shows emotion to teens through gentle humour,. They adore him. He showers emotion on our dog who worships him!

Trouble is, he isn't really demonstrative to me any more. Don't get me wrong , he makes kind practical gestures , buys me flowers from time to time, and we share humour but I worked out the other day that we probably have about seven minutes of actual proper conversation a day , well conversation that is not related to work, dc, or practical house matters. And that seven minutes is usually about politics or extended family or life in general, getting older,. We never seem to talk about our relationship or discuss anything that seems intimate ifyswim. He never initiates conversation. He doesn't seem to need me in the way I need him. He's a bit aloof and very self contained.

Sex is physically ok, sometimes really good in that it functionally hits the spot ifykwim, but difficult with teens in the house , so tends to be confined to rushed lunch times when they are at school. It doesn't feel as "connected" as it used to though and that makes me sad . He's asleep 10 seconds after he gets in to bed at night and up very early in the morning as he works long hours.

II'm also worried that I may have killed things a bit because I am different in personality to my dh. I'm more emotional. I do confront poor teen behaviour and I do lose my temper occasionally , maybe four times a year.

Compared with other marriage issues you read about on here, I know I should be grateful and I don't have many reasons to complain. And we are both wfh and it's quite stressful,c so that's bound to have a negative effect.

But what I want to ask is this about the best you can expect after two and a half decades together? Am I being ridiculous to expect anything more? Is what I am experiencing pretty normal in a long term marriage?

I realise that real life isn't a Hollywood film and am prepared to be told I am ungrateful and have unrealistic expectations.

That came out longer than intended so thanks for reading if you got to the end.

I understand how you are feeling. I think sex is actually very important in a long term relationship where there are so many things going on. It’s particularly difficult with teenagers around. We tend to give them privacy but often, probably because they don’t think adults over 30 have sex, they don’t do the same for their parents. It’s not exactly a conversation you want to have with your 16yr old.
My DS is pretty horrified that DH and I still have an active love life and it has caused a great deal of performance anxiety over lockdown, listening out for him so he doesn’t catch us at it.
I know that DH would like to have the option of a cuddle leading to spontaneous satisfying sex. I have to agree with him, I hate planning a session in case when it comes down to it I don’t really fancy it. I’m much more of spontaneous heat of the moment person. It also sort of seems a bit forced planning lunchtime sex when you have to go back to work.
I am planning a dirty weekend away in the new year so we can reset our relationship.

Deep 'meaningful' conversations about 'us' happen about once a year. Initiated by me and only if triggered by something external (friends splittingup etc).

Conversations on politics etc happen about once a fortnight. They tend to be short and sweet. After 10 years he knows my feelings on subjects already and visa versa.

Me or him "Donald Trump just said xxxxx".
Him or me "do we expect anything less?"

He is facts orientated. I'm feelings/emotion orientated. I have feelings driven conversations with my friends. He has exchange of facts conversations with his. Being unable to have my style of conversation needs meet by my friends because of lockdown and wfh is difficult and really highlights our different needs. I know more about the Hurricane Bomber plane than I ever needed to as he's reading about it and needs to share facts.

However, regardless of differences we work well. I accept we can not get all things from one person.

My friend's partner wants to have deep meaningful discussions/debates ALL the time. For hours. When I meet them, I enjoy the first half hour but after that it gets really boring - he never has any facts or rationals to back up his emotionally driven arguments. I couldn't live with that!

To be blunt, yes I think this is close to the best that you can expect in an LTR under current circumstances. You appear to have a successful relationship, you say yourself that you are "happily married". Your issues are not major and don't seem too difficult to resolve. I am also in a very long relationship -30 years now - and I am also a very different personality to my DW but so what? I don't want her personality to be a clone of mine, I think we complement each other quite well in most respects.

Have you told your DH you would like to spend a bit more time talking about your relationship? And what exactly would you say to him?

I'm a bit puzzled why you don't want to have sex with the DC in the house, surely they know not to barge into your room if the door is closed? And you must have learned to do it quietly by now? We learned that pretty early on when we were sleeping at my parents. Obviously the DC may guess what you are doing sometimes but so what? You are teaching them that sex is a normal part of a loving relationship and nothing to be ashamed of.

We have a year 7 child who is bringing home more and more interested and thought provoking homework as the weeks pass.

Could random conversation not be brought up as something you all do together?

Our Saturday newspaper, we spend 60p plus price of newspaper each week to get it delivered, height of luxury and it's always there before Saturday morning coffee, anyway it has a "dilemma" page that sometimes gets read out to DH with 'your views?" .....I can usually guess but it can help break the "taking about relationship problems" ice if it's someone else's problem but you can say "oh that's interesting I didn't think you would think like that" etc. I mean I don't just point out dilemma pages we usually talk, debate many articles some heavy, many fun.

If I come across a beautifully illustrated idea, philosophy in a novel or factual book I read it out to him.

And I listen to what he says, brings up as if interest.

So what I am basically trying to explain terribly, is the world is a dynamic interesting place, find your own topics that you can share, let the conversation flow, see if you can apply it to your personal situation and exchange ideas and points of view. It then makes talking about "you guys" much less of a leap. If that makes sense.

@Anothernick

To be blunt, yes I think this is close to the best that you can expect in an LTR under current circumstances. You appear to have a successful relationship, you say yourself that you are "happily married". Your issues are not major and don't seem too difficult to resolve. I am also in a very long relationship -30 years now - and I am also a very different personality to my DW but so what? I don't want her personality to be a clone of mine, I think we complement each other quite well in most respects.

Have you told your DH you would like to spend a bit more time talking about your relationship? And what exactly would you say to him?

I'm a bit puzzled why you don't want to have sex with the DC in the house, surely they know not to barge into your room if the door is closed? And you must have learned to do it quietly by now? We learned that pretty early on when we were sleeping at my parents. Obviously the DC may guess what you are doing sometimes but so what? You are teaching them that sex is a normal part of a loving relationship and nothing to be ashamed of.

Agree with the "so what if kids hear a bit of bedroom noise from time to time".

We got asked recently "why where you sawing wood last night?"
Oh world swallow me now!
Said we had to make emergency night time repairs..........!

I agree with PP it is my lockdown resolution to keep having sex (we have teens too). In answer to your first point I'd say maybe 30-40 minutes a day. Perhaps more at the weekend.

I have always prioritised my relationship with my husband and we do talk a lot. Kids come then go and the marriage is left behind. You sound like you have the grounds for more so I would work on that. Have dinner with him, alone. Drink wine. Be intimate.

Thanks for replies. I'm grateful for the advice but neither of us feel comfortable having sex when teens are at home, except very occasionally and quietly, really early in the morning. You can hear everything in this house. It's something DH and I agree on. We just don't feel able to be relaxed or feel liberated. It's like Angrymum22 says, the DC don't really respect our privacy although we go to great lengths to respect theirs! In normal times I accompany DH on some business trips and we have the odd weekend away. Or very occasionally "go to the cinema and dinner" at the weekend, but go to a hotel instead.

Sex isn't primarily the issue, I don't think so anyway. It's more about feeling together, and connected. I know sex is part of that but I was really posting about our relationship outside of the bedroom. Curling up on the sofa talking, or just having a conversation that actually means something other than what's for dinner? . Dh might say he is tired or mention a specific work stress, but generally I don't really know how he is feeling. Whether he is ok and happy? And frankly I'd like him to care enough to ask me the same thingcevery so often.. Maybe I am a bit ridiculous but I keep thinking to myself "is this it?" and then we die!?!

Totally take on board comments about opposites attracting , that is definitely the case for DH and me, and not relying on one person to fulfill your needs. I do have close female friends who I talk to a lot. Many of them are feeling like their relationships are a bit meh lacklustre ATM too. And when I was about six years in to our marriage the penny dropped that it was up to me to make myself happy, not anyone else, so I don't think it's that either . I have hobbies and interests. I've started a part time OU course.

Maybe I am expecting too much?

about the hurricane bomber info overload btw!

I think a good way to connect and have a meaningful conversation is to say to him that there’s something you want to talk to him about and talk about how you are feeling. Make time to discuss it. Tell him you want more than 7 minutes a day talking about the housework. Maybe he just needs prompting - he’s working long hours and he is a man so probably not aware of this issue! If he is kind and funny with good emotional intelligence as you say, he will take your needs on board. Go to bed earlier- this a time when myself and my hubby do our best talking.

My partner is like this. Been with him 12 year and he has never discussed or spoke about our relationship. He just says well whats to discuss? He doesn't see it as problem. He has never spoke of any future or his plans. I also feel emotionally neglected. I feel as if I left him he would just get on with his life. It's draining but I know he will never change.

My dh's default setting is happy and okay. So why tell me as surely I know that already? (Cos it's nice for me to know and helps me feel secure!!! Lol). He feels no need to tell if he's having work/external stress etc as there's nothing i can do about it so what's the point. This is something we did actually have a deep intimate conversation about. Initiated by me obviously. He is fact/solution oriented. I find sharing therapeutic.

He does not see the point in sharing feelings when he's not happy as I am not the reason for his stress/not being happy etc. Therefore I cannot change his stress etc. Sharing the reasons for his stress or saying he's stressed does not reduce his stress unless I can offer actual solutions to reduce it. And as I am not the reason there is nothing I can do, so why tell me. He may share with a friend in the same profession because they may have a workable solution.

I, on.the otherhand, find sharing helps reduce stress etc. I don't want solutions I just want to 'purge' it. Getting it out helps me. If I shared he would offer solutions (about things he actually knew nothing about) - which used to drive me mad. But he presumed that sharing was a request for a solution - why else would I share? He knew his solutions were rubbish, but felt he had to offer as in his mind I was asking for some. He finds it quite uncomfortable not to try and fix a problem.

Now, if I feel he is not on his default setting of happy and okay I ask and instead of saying he's fine and leaving me feeling insecure that he's unhappy about us, he's tell me the issue. It'll be a very short and fact based answer ("work was bad today") but it is enough to stop me being insecure. He no longer offers solutions to my problems when I purge unless directly asked, and will just listen and commiserate. He can see him listen IS part of fixing my problem and that reduces his previous discomfort at not being able to fix.

He presumes my default setting is happy and okay, so there is no need to ask. If I'm not, he does not pick up on subtle (or not so subtle,) clues or if he does he does not presume I want to talk about it (as he would not). He needs me to tell him I want to talk about it.

Thanks for latest replies. I can identify with a lot of what you are all saying.

Sunflower I do try and "make an appointment" to talk to him but he controls the narrative to some extent and is so solution oriented I don't know why I bothered. Often he takes any slight unhappiness on my part as criticism of him ,which it isn't at all. Generally though, as others have said, it doesn't occur to him that we need to talk, and he doesn't see the need himself.

Men are strange creatures. I never know if it's because their needs are 'simpler' than a woman's (bit of a generalisation there!) or they don't like to stir the pot, or what? I refuse to believe they "feel" less than women though, but seem to be generally less willing to discuss what they feel exactly. As others have said, maybe they can't see the point.

Thingsfogetbetter my DH is the same in that talking about problems does not diminish his stress in the way it does for me. He says sex does relieve it though of course.

But it's hard to have an equal relationship with someone who doesn't feel the need to share their concerns or doesn't seem to need you in the same way you need them. Mine would definitely get on with life if I left him Ido in fact I doubt his schedule would change that much! I suppose that's good in one way! It does leave me feeling a bit redundant though.

He might not need you in the same way as you need him, but he needs you in his own way. Talking about feelings is a need you have, not him. He could get on with his life without you, but he actively and consistently chooses not to.

My husband does not 'need' me either, but he wants to be with me. I've tried to reframe my perception that it's better to be wanted than needed. And that while I 'need' to talk about feelings, that actually causes him emotional pain and discomfort it's so alien to him. Does my need trump his emotional pain?

That's a very interesting point, thank you Thingsdogetbetter. I understand what you are saying about it being better to be wanted than needed and I can see that it might be very helpful to reframe that in my head.

But whether it's want or need , I do still feel like a bit of an adjunct to his life. He works a lot and that's who he is. And we have what I consider very little interaction during the day. I would have thought that if you choose someone, you would want to chat with them occasionally and enjoy their company a little. What's the point otherwise? I know everything is a little more challenging at the moment though.