Am I overreacting?

[Miffyliffy]

Ok...

So dh and I have gotten in a number of arguments about the kids.

He has a 9yo ds from a previous relationship and we have a young baby together. I feel he doesn't treat our child the same as he does his older ds .... I feel he prioritises his ds over our bub.
He says he doesn't and says I'm crazy.

Its come to a head tonight and I'm ready to leave and he says I'm crazy and its not actually happening how I think.

So when out baby was freshly newborn ds would want to hold baby all the time... dh would give ds the baby to hold even if baby was screaming due to hungry.... even with a poopy nappy saying 'ill change baby later ds wants to hold'

If baby was asleep in the cot and ds wanted to hold the baby dh would go wake up baby and give to ds.... not just once... but every time saying 'it's just a baby it needs to learn to sleep wherever it is'

If ds just spent 1 hour cuddling dh and watching TV with dh.... the second dh holds baby ds will come up and have a tantrum saying 'i want a cuddle' so dh will pass baby to me straight away... even if he hasn't held baby all day....so he can then again cuddle ds who he has just spent hours with.

Today I was cooking dinner and baby was very tired and unsettled so dh took baby and was trying to pat to sleep.... ds was playing play station.... ds was getting angry cos he didn't know how to do something so dh said 'try doing xyx..' to ds.... ds was again getting angry and dh just got baby to sleep in his arms .... ds then yells... 'its coz you aren't paying attention' dh immediately lays baby on the couch waking it up so he can take the play station controller and get past a part of the game for ds....

So now baby is again screaming on the couch while dh is playing the game ignoring the baby....

I said 'can you not ask ds to wait 5 minutes' ...ds then stormed off... and dh has been furious at me and says I'm over reacting and its not true and he was fine in doing what he did

YANBU. Is your DH son living with you full time?
Seems like DS wants his dad all to himself. Your DH should step up and start setting boundaries.
And yes - your DH is in the wrong.

Hes with us 4 nights a week.

I understand there's jealousy and things like that but I feel dh needs to pay attention to the needs to the baby... not just let it sit there in a shit nappy so ds can cuddle because he wants to cuddle baby right this second.

Your DH is in the wrong. DS needs to learn patience and that he is not his father's only child. Perhaps DH feels baby wont notice being put down etc, but the real problem is DS is becoming more entitled and demanding. As said, boundaries need to be established pronto.

DH may feel as he only has DS 4 nights a week he needs to dote on him when he's there and that may be behind this. Just a thought.

It’s a difficult one. It does sound like you’re watching and judging your DPs parenting a lot so maybe he feels scrutinised. I’d also imagine he’s over compensating as wanting his own son to be ok with baby.

Loads of people I know pick up sleeping baby’s to cuddle so I don’t think that’s a big deal to be honest. Iv picked my own up to pass to friends to hold as they want a cuddle.

Yes he should of changed a nappy before giving him to DS to cuddle but I couldn’t imagine he cuddled the baby for more then a couple of minutes while he stank of poo to be honest.

Putting the baby down for a minute so he could help his ds with the game isn’t exactly a huge deal either. Why didn’t you go and help your step ds if you can see he’s getting worked up?

You sound overly critical and like you are watching him like a Hawke. I’d find that extremely suffocating. He has 2 kids and his first ds part time. Does it really matter...

You sound like you need to chill a bit. Some flexibility and working together as a team is required. A 9 year old went from being the sole object of his dad's attention to sharing it. It will take time to adjust. Stop scrutinising your partner and go with the flow more. Telling him you are leaving is drastic.

Is your husband hands on when the son isn't there?
His DS does not have to get everything in an instant- hold the baby when nappy needs changing or sleeping, needs a cuddle the same second or has to have instant attention from daddy to play video game. It's called patience and it's something that your DH starts installing- teach his son how to be patient.
And neverrrr everrrrrr wake the baby!!! Worst advice ever! They need their sleep as much as mums need their sanity! My XP woke our daughter once, I literally had been up for day before, night before and she was finally sleeping a bit. He thought he will "help" by waking her. I got dressed, went to my sisters and stayed for the night. Next day he was apologising and MOANING how he couldn't get his sleep! Never happened again, but he was/is still a deadbeat and various reasons for the X.

I think your DH is a bit torn between his DS and the baby but it is a bit extreme.At 9 he should be perfectly able to understand that baby has diffrent needs and is not a toy and it is your DH job to explain it very clearly right from beginning,even before baby was born.
It is quite shocking as by the looks of it he is allowing this sort of behaviour and ultimately,he is bringing up a little tyrant.
I am so sorry you haave to face such a situation and YADNU.
Is it possible to have a chat about it with your DH?

You all.sound unreasonable, bar the baby!
You need to chill out. The things you have described are not the end of the world and unless there is a bigger back story are not worth throwing your marriage away for. You need to be a bit more understanding of ds, he is 9 and this baby is a massive change.
Your dh needs to set firm boundaries with ds but also reassure home that he loves him just as he always has and will do.
Your baby is small you all need to go easy on each other, in a year's time this will be in the past.

Whilst I appreciate your frustrations, as a new baby is hard work, I think you need to be a bit more understanding. DS does seem to be demanding but he is a child and may feel insecure because his dad has another child living with him all the time. The dynamics of his life are changing possibly not for the first time. Your DH is piggy in the middle.

Bit strange to refer to your baby as “it”, hopefully unintended.

To pick a sleeping baby out of its cot because a 9 year old wants to hold it is utterly ridiculous. The child should be told calmly that baby is sleeping and he can hold ‘it’ when baby wakes. No argument. A nine year should be able to wait, should be able to understand a nappy needs changing asap and maybe he could help? Perhaps older child could be encouraged to help settle baby to sleep- but whatever happens boundaries need to be set and your husband does need to see that treating his children this way is detrimental to ALL of you. I presume you both talked to 9yo before the birth and assured him of his much loved/big brother/always firstborn etc etc? Maybe time to talk again together and set out a baby’s needs and limitations, as well as 9yo’s place in the family.

It sounds like your DH has the best of intentions in trying to make sure your DS doesn’t feel left out but isn’t quite getting the balance right. When our DD was born we struggled with wanting to make sure DSD felt included and had attention while also making sure the baby had everything she needed.
It does get easier as the baby gets older and your DS learns to be able to wait for things

I wouldn't think lying a squirming baby on a sofa to play a video game is safe?Especially if he's doing something as "important" as gaming! Your husband sounds incredibly immature