Do I go back

[Shouldigoback]

I moved out of the family home into my parents house a few weeks ago. I have 2 young children with my partner. All of a sudden I realised that I needed to leave because of his lack of involvement in my life and theirs. Also snapping at me had become the norm and was the only time he ever spoke to me.
He would spend weekends in bed until lunchtime and would rarely come with us to child orientated events. In the evenings he would come in from work, spend less than 5 mins with kids and go and spend the rest of the night in another room until they were in bed. When he was in the living room with us he would have his laptop on his knee and headphones on so totally unapproachable.
Our kids have never been the best sleepers. He would not even give me one lie in on a weekend to recharge my batteries because his lie ins were more important.
He is basically a selfish and lazy individual.

So, I left. He has demanded to have the kids 50% of the time. I'm really confused by this given his lack of involvement in their lives so far. Why would someone who has spent no time with them want them half the time? Even his parents joke about him never being in any of the pics I send to them because he is "in bed". I'm really struggling with being separated from the kids, I've barely been apart from them and now all of a sudden they aren't here half the time and it's really upsetting me. He came to collect them the other day and both kids were unhappy, the older one saying over and over again "I don't want to go home with daddy, I want to stay here with you" with tears streaming down the face. I was broken until I saw them again 24 hours later, all I could remember was this scene. Apparently they were all laughing and happy in the car 2 mins after which I'm hoping was true.

I do not love this man any more, I don't think I have for a while. He has been pretty nasty in this whole thing which has made me dislike him even more. But then he seems to swing into being totally charming again and almost begging for me to come home.
I really don't want to go home but really don't think I can continue having the kids taken away from me half the time so am starting to feel like I have no choice but to go back.
I'm in between a rock and a hard place.
Does anyone have any experience of this or can anyone offer any pearls of wisdom please?
Thanks in advance

Hi op. He’s doing this to hurt you and to try to get you to come back.
Don’t! Normal life will resume very quickly. I suspect he will get fed up of this. Also I wouldn’t be sending a distraught child. If they’re happy to go fair enough if not, then I’d be hanging on to them.

You only move out a few weeks ago. See if he’s still doing this months down the line. He sounds like he might not be able to keep the facade up long.

Do not go back

@sunnydays78 I didn't know what to do when this crazy situation happened. I didn't want them to go myself but of course hadn't let on to the kids this was my feeling. I was just calming her down and discussing when i would see her next, she is very astute and knew she didn't have a choice. I did tell him that I will not be sending distraught children again.
He is due to collect in the morning and I'm dreading it.

@LouiseTrees I didn't think he would keep it up for this long. I'm totally astounded. But he even told me he wants the kids for a whole weekend in a few weeks, something he has never done ever in 4.5 years. He took the 4yo away for 1 night, once, ever to a friend's camping party event when she was under 1. I'm concerned that he will continue with this because he realises the errors of his ways now. He has finally woken up to the fact he hasn't been involved. Since I've been gone he has had more outings with the kids than the whole of the last 6 months.

You don't have to agree to 50/50 if it's not in the children's interests. Is it in the children's interests?

Why have you gone along with it? I'd be looking for EOW and a night in the week instead, maybe?

@category12 who decides what is in the children's best interests?
I personally don't feel situations like what happened the other night are in anyone's best interests.
This is all very new to me. I don't really know what the rules are.

Well, ultimately the courts could decide it, but while there's no court order in place, the two of you get to try to decide what's right for them, and hopefully come to an arrangement that suits everyone.

You're shooting yourself in the foot allowing him to set a precedent where he's having them 50/50. I would say to him that now that the dust has settled a bit, you want to establish a routine for the kids (and that wouldn't be 50/50).

@category12 thanks, I'll have to take some advice on this. What would courts usually decide? Or is there no usually? How much does it cost to go to court? He will not back down on wanting 50:50. What happens if I refuse to let him see them? Doesn't that leave me in hot water if things get nasty later on?

As long as you're offering reasonable contact time, you're not breaking any rules. There's no usually, it depends on circumstances if it goes to court to decide. But if you let him establish 50/50 as the normal, you'll have hell's delight getting it changed down the road.

Why have you left the house? See a solicitor.

Don't go back. This is a control tactic - along with the charm / begging.

You don't seem comfortable with the idea you're allowed to say no or make your own decisions?

Has he given you the idea you'd be punished for refusing unreasonable demands or doing something other than agreeing to all he demands?

I agree you need professional advice. And possibly a look at the Freedom Programme course.

My ex left after admitting he had been arranging to meet up with his ex. My DS was 16 months at the time. It didn't even come into my head that he would have him 50/50. Your kids' primary carer is you. Taking you away from them for too long is going to affect their emotional well-being.

There is no precedent in court. If you can agree a schedule outside of court you can put in for a consent order which just legalises your agreement.

You could, for example, work up from every other weekend to 50/50 contact over the course of a few years. Or, if your ex continues to not do anything for the children, you're well within your rights to leave it at less.

From what you have said you were incredibly unhappy and going back to him for the children's sake is not going to change that. Kids can be happy in two households if their needs are the first priority for both parents

Also if you haven't already, start a CMS claim. It takes a couple of months to settle into a regular routine

Update - he came this morning and collected them, I had prewarned him that if they don't leave the house happily they won't be leaving at all and he can play with them here instead. Luckily all went fairly smoothly. I'm absolutely gutted I won't be seeing them until I collect them from preschool tomrorrow. I didn't want to change anything that is prearranged until I've taken advice and know what the rules are. So first thing tomorrow I'll be making some phonecalls to find out my rights. I'm now terrified that because I've allowed him to see them 50% of the time for the last 3 weeks that this has now set a precedent. It's taken until now for me to make my final decision not to return home. I was unsure before writing this thread but now I know it's for the best.

@user1294729492759 I think you're right and he has been very controlling for some time. I am generally strong and independent but towards him I've not had arguments because I refuse to have any cross words in front of the children, so I have just sat in silence hating him for a long time. They don't love sleep and are generally up until 8.30/9pm and up again at 7am and by the time they were in bed I was generally too tired or we had had a drink or he was consumed by his laptop so talking about problems isn't appropriate. This hasn't happened overnight, we have been having the same problems for years, it's a given he will never be with me when we go anywhere and meet up with people, I don't even tend to get asked if he will be coming by friends and family anymore because it would be so unusual. His behaviour has been getting worse since I lost my job in June where he gives me zero respect and has just treated me as a live in maid, general manners went out the window. I suggested to him that Xmas would be here at my mum's house Eve and day and said he was welcome to come and stay or just pop in, whatever he chooses, he can see as much of them as he likes but they will be here. He got really nasty when I said that, saying I was being "unwise" telling him this is how it is rather than asking him and coming to an agreement. There is a family birthday on his side of the family on boxing Day and due to other of his side of the family's work arrangements we would generally have Xmas day either at my mum's or as of last year in our house then have a second Xmas day at his parents house on boxing day, so to me if makes sense that they are with me on Xmas day and with his family in boxing day. I can't understand why a man who has never bought a gift for his children because that's another one of my "jobs" would want them on Xmas day?
I'll have a look I to this freedom programme, thanks.

@AlwaysCheddar I left because we have been in this situation before and he has always refused to leave. I also can't afford to pay all the bills on my own now my income has reduced since losing my job so it works better that I'm with my parents and he is there. I get the much needed support here.

@TeddyBeans I haven't heard of CMS, I will look into this also. Thanks

3 weeks is probably too short term tot set a precedent, but if it's not what you want longterm, you need to change it fairly smartly.

Seek advice as you plan too. I know how difficult it is to let go. I had been default parent for 11 years. I was lost without the children. But he is their parent too. And regardless of how useless he has been. He has as much right to be an involved parent as you do. If he is anything like my ex they soon get bored.

It is a case of what is in the best interest of the child. And how that looks.

It is a massive adjustment to make. And in time you will be ok with this time without the children. I planned my weekend, I volunteered met friends and pottered around the shops. It was a while before I could relax at home on my own. As I got use to it my ex dropped contact and I pretty much have the kids 24/7.

Try to come to an agreement about contact together.

Solicitor for legal matters.

CMS for child support.

Gather good people around you. 2021 can be the year you can be happy. Just take it one step at a time.