trying to take control and move on from my abusive ex

[h0pe]

Hi,

not really sure how I arrived at this site but could really do with some support from people in a similiar situation to me.

I've got a four yr old daughter and i'm proud to say i managed to get away from my ex, in some respects. It just seems no matter how hard I try, he just can't stand to let me get on with my life. I've never stopped him from seeing our daughter up until last week when he arrived at her school unnanounced and tried to take her without my consent. Thankfully I was informed of what he was planning and managed to get there in time to stop him. I'm so scared of him that when I see him my heart literally feel's like it's going to jump out of my chest, my voice goes all shaky and it's just horrendous.

I look around at people and they all seem so happy yet I feel stuck in a horrible limbo.

Any advise from people in similia siutation would be so greatefully received, my main proble is althoug I know really i'm nt alone. I feel it.....

It's not something I know an awful lot about, but, are there any groups for single parents or after school clubs that you could meet other parents going through similar things to you?

Do you feel lonely, or do you feel down? Do you think that feeling lonely is making you feel down. OR do you think that feeling down is making you feel lonely?

What about family round you?

This is a really awful situation to be in and one I can relate to. The thing is not to let your ex see how he intimidates you, as hard as it is you have not got to let him know you are scared of him.

Your self esteem is probably very low at the moment and he probably fills a lot of your thoughts. We can tend to 'over think' in these circumstances which doesn't help when it comes to dealing with an abusive ex. I agree with the other poster. Join clubs, meet people, make friends, fill your time with lots of nice things. You will gain a lot of strength just by not having him and thoughts of what he may do next in your head.

You have done really well to get away from him. That was a fantastic move. Just think of the lovely future you have ahead of you

my family is very small ( just consist of my mum and dad who are seperated ) I can't talk to them about it as they never know what to say.

I have the support of my partner but yes I do feel very lonely and very down because I feel like he'll never let me go and there's only so long you can talk about your ex to your partner really!

My oldest firends kind of dropped me when I got together with him as they didn't like him and it's never been the same since, even went I plucked up the courage to finally leave him 3 years ago.

My problem is the fear I have of him, his agression and the fact that he takes any opportunity he can to re inforce this no matter how much time passes. I

I suppose I joined this site to feel some kind of acceptance from people who have been through the same.

I'm so frustrated that he feels he can bully me like he does. I want to come out hte other side I really do, but I feel like until he lets me go I cant....

So, what does he need to do to let you go, in your mind?

You don't think he will ever let you go because you are scared of him.

Is the fear you have of him causing you to keep contact with him in anyway? When he texts do you reply for fear of what he may do? Do you agree to things with him just for a quiet life by any chance? If so, then you need to stop. You need to stop all contact apart from that over your dd. Don't not stop having contact with him because you fear what he will do otherwise you are going to be in this situation for ever.

He won't see that he is the one who is not letting you go. While ever you are responding to him you are not allowing him to let you go (IYSWIM) You are going to have to be very strong xx

Y'know if he just started being reasonable than would be fine, but it's like talkng to a brick wall - an angry one at that! From my side i've done everything i can, trying to be reasonable, trying to be his friend, when that he wouldn't accept that I decided to put in a stabl routine so we wouldn't have to talk, but surprise surprise he wouldn't commit do that. He's done everything from being violent to me, to threathening to take our child from my home with a knife in his hand after breaking in. He's followed me, told me i'm a bad mother and his latest as I say was taking trying to take our daughter from school when he wasn't supposed to. The authorities give him a talking to, and that's it. It frustrates me that he can't see that what he's doing is so vile, so scary and will eventually damage our child from the tears she see's me cry.

I feel I've done what I can in the fact that I do everything by the book, he doesn't have my mob number and he family collect our child for contact, you'd think that would be enough to deter him but no!

hi hope your me 19 years ago. I was only 14 when i met ds dad and i left when i was just turned 18. It was very abusive in every way. Even years after when i saw him in the street i would shake and cry and have to go home. Its all about power to them. Theya re very sick to feel good about making a woman scared of them.

I would say go see your gp explain the situation. Counselling will definately help you.

This man has you so scared and that is not right. He is in effect controlling you dont let him.

The school was brilliant to contact you. Its good to let them know the situation.

Im no longer scared of my ex i can see him and look at him and actually laugh. Because although his a 6'4 well built man his nothing but a small shallow coward.

Losing your friends is another way of them controlling. I toolost all my friends with my ex. But i also kind of thought if they were my true friends they would have been there for me but thats just imo.

Mn is fanatstic for support and there is always someone on here with a shoulder to cry on or words of advice and support.

Your not alone and now you have found mn you never will be.

xx

You lot are just as bad in that fact that you've made me cry too!

I would so love to be able to laugh at the sight of him but no chance of that happening at mo, maybe though if it's happened to you then it years to come it will be same for me.

he too is over 6 ft tall and very very charsimatic, charming and intelligent thn hen he's had enough of that out comes the dark side.

I'm going out shortly and i've put together 4 page letter that my partner is going to post stating that enough is enough, im taking him to court to get him to legally bind to the terms of the contact agreements so that he if he does break those conditions then the police/court will deal with him not me.

There is hope, Hope

I was petrified of my ex for years but then I realised my fear of him was giving him power over me. I didn't have the strength at first to stand up to him so I faked it! It was very hard in the beginning but it wasn't long before I wasn't faking it. The stronger i appeared to him the weaker he became.

You can do it! We are here if you need us. Take care xx

Hope,

I can't help, as i have no personnel experience of this. Well done for getting away, and trying to make a better life for you and your children.

I know you not a lone parent but if you look on the lone section of mumsnet you might find more support from the people who in a similar situation to you.

Oh and keep posting on here so we can help support you when you need it.

thanks ver much everyone, i'll be back soon xxx

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Have you thought of contacting Womens Aid? They can probably offer both practical advice and emotional support.

Your ex is basically a terrorist. I'm so sorry he's doing this to you.

Hi hope i dont post on here very often i just tend to have a read now and again.This is probably because my confidence is so low after being in an abusive relationship myself.I saw this and had to post.I know exactly how you feel i only got out of my relationship 5 months ago and i have two ds with my ex.He still makes me feel like everything i do is wrong as well as making me feel like im going mad like maybe im the one with the problem.He has a new girlfriend but refuses to have the ds's at all he just sees them at my home as he fears if he has them its an opportunity for me to go out and meet someone.Its all about control.Im soon to move and he wont be getting my address.

I forgot to say i understand about the feeling alone because i think unless you have been in the situation its hard to understand.All i ever get is why didnt you end it sooner but as you know its not that simple.My parents are also seperated and they do support me but at the end of the day they have their own lives and problems.

Hi thanks so much for advise, i feel more able to cope knowing i'm not alone. Bluebell - well done to you but keep at it - Is there anyway you can force him to see the children outside of your house or will this happen anyway whn you move?
It is all about control, I thought when he got a new girlfriend he'd turn his attention to her but she's just as bad in the fact that she's very insecure ( ideal bate for him ) She's got the kind of growing obsession with me now as I think he may have given her the impression there's still some feelings there from me ( he's done this before with previous g'friends) She's aquainted with a very old firend of mine and has been texting her asking if they can become closer firends & also to cool things with me! My daughter just arrived home from contact and told me her dad's g'friend has told her we are best friends?!? I'm feel utterly amazed at how people let jealousy control there lives, it must be so draining. BUT the good thing is I haven't felt nervous like i normally do befoe my daughter comes home and I also understand that they have very self distrutive natures which reolve aronud emotional highs followed by big lows. Basicially I know it's not my fault! I know I've got a long way to go but at least I can see things in proportion now & know it's not my fault.

Sorry for the long rant but I really believe coming to this site has been very therapeutic for me.

Thank you all for your kind words of support xx

Hi Hope

Your post has really made me smile. You have taken such a big step forward and I am delighted.

I came from an abusive relationship. I have been out of that relationship for coming up to 12 years now and I can honestly say that only in the past few months do I finally feel free of it.
Not only is that due to the relationship itself but to the damage it did to my self esteem. Somehow, you get conditioned to live with 'fear' and 'control' to such an extent that when you aren't actually physically living with it, you find it difficult to live without it. It's difficult to explain but I know what I mean

You keep up the good work hope! You are going to be just fine

and you too Bluebell