Fibs and omitting information for an easy life

[MattBerrysHair]

Dp and I have been together 5 years. We lived together 3 years ago but his teenage DS started getting into trouble with a bad crowd so I asked them to leave to shield my primary aged DC from it and we continued our relationship living separately. Now his ds is an adult and doing his own thing I asked dp to move in 3 days ago.

There are lots of positives about him and the relationship, but every few months or so I find out he's concealed something or even outright lied. None of the lies are anything that affects me personally eg he bought an expensive item for a hobby when he could have put the money towards paying off debt, but obviously the fact he feels it's acceptable to deceive me about things pisses me off.

Yesterday my dsis told me about the expensive hobby item after I told her we were planning on him moving in.
I'm more disappointed and tired of it than angry. Only 2 months ago I found out he'd been concealing how much money he actually owed on his credit card. Technically his finances were nothing to do with me at the time, but he didn't need to lie and chose to do so anyway.

His reasons for concealing things are usually because he didn't want to worry me, or that he thought I'd disapprove.

I've already decided that he can't move in. What I'm struggling to decide is whether to continue as we are or break up. The positives of the relationship far outnumber the negatives, it's just that the negatives are a big deal to me. Deception means no trust and I think I either have to accept that he won't change and live with it or break up.

Please help me see things objectively. The fact our relationship is so good and loving, and that I would truly miss us being together, is making it hard to think rationally.

I don't think that not sharing his finance details with you is lying by commission.

If you dont live with him then its non of your business

I dont tell my (live apart, longterm boyfriend) my finance details. My debt is my business 🤷‍♀️

omission 😂

@ThatsAllFolks

Ps the word fib in itself excuses a lie

When I was 12, I told a parent of a friend that he had lied. It was a dangerous lie that could have got him into a lot of trouble. His dad said, "we don't lie in this family, we might fib". I have never forgotten that. Even at 12, many decades ago, I thought, "well he is a liar and you're justifying it".

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

If he lies about the small inconsequential stuff , you KNOWhes going to lie about the big stuff . Everything he tells you , you will doubt . You know who he is , he’s shown you, believe him on that much .
It’s scary and unappealing , the thought of being alone . That said it’s scary to contemplate moving forward in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you enough to be honest with you.

@DoWahDiddy

Yes, you're right, it is manipulative. Especially with reasons like 'I didn't want to worry you' and 'I thought you'd disapprove'.

That's basically just manipulating the situation so that he can do whatever he wants whether OP would like it or not, and not have to deal with OP's feelings spoiling his day. OP's feelings should have a higher priority to him than this, so, in a way, the smaller the lie, the bigger the insult.

The trust has gone, kick him out.

I would break up as he is a proven liar, what else has he lied about that you don’t know ?
I despise lying, there is no need for it. He is an independent adult, he can buy whatever he wants but he chose to lie to you.
Get rid, you’ll spend the rest of your life waiting to discover the next lie.

If you do want to stay together I’d continue to live separately.
Don’t put your home, and your children’s future inheritance in jeopardy.

Little lies become big lies and they will always justify not telling you by blaming you. I would leave this guy. I was married to someone like this.

Thanks everyone for replying. You're all saying what I already knew deep down. Those of you saying that his finances are none of my business, I agree to an extent. However, before the first lockdown I had bailiffs banging on my door looking for him because they thought he still lived here. Ot was scary and stressful. He had said he wanted to clear his debt, build up good credit and for us to live together again and eventually get married. I didn't want to waste time working towards a fake future so he promised no more secrets and full disclosure about his finances. Despite being disabled and reliant on benefits I have an excellent credit rating and I need to protect that, especially considering my earning potential is low and my ability to fix a bad financial situation would be impeded compared to most people. Again, sorry if this seems like a drip feed, I've only just remembered it, it seems so long ago.

Please, please, please don’t do anything to risk yours and your children’s home. He’s not worth it.

I think you need to set up plan b for yourself. If you start to feel overwhelmed what can you put in place. Can you use you pip to pay for help etc.
List all the things that have overwhelmed you in the past and find a way to accept it for a bit eg cleaning. Or a way to fix it, eg no food in - get online shopping etc.

Massive drip feed there OP! Obviously bailiffs at your door does make it your business. The fact that you have discussed at great length and hes promised full disclosure and then not told you about his purchase is somewhat different to your first post 🤦‍♀️

For some reason he doesn't want to share the details of his finances with you. It's totally his prerogative to do that and it's totally up to you if you dont want to be with him because if that.

Debt and bailiffs. You are worth so much more!

Please look after yourself. You are in a vulnerable position and need to keep yourself - and your children - secure.

DO NOT SHARE A HOUSE OR FINANCES WITH THIS MAN.

DO NOT SHARE A HOUSE OR FINANCES WITH THIS MAN.

☝️ This .

@forrestgreen I'm going to spend tuesday making a plan. I have a pretty good system in place at the moment, but I'm going to go over it again and identify potential problem areas and come up with solutions. For example, I always get particularly exhausted on Tuesday evenings and fall asleep during ds2 story time at 7:30, so to make it easier I'll do a supermarket lasagne or similar for tea instead of cooking from scratch. I'm sure there are other little tweaks I can make to avert burnout.

Good idea. Put it on the fridge for each day so you won't panic if you get overwhelmed.
Make sure if you need help from others it's agreed and you might have to remind them.

I think you'll be surprised what you can achieve when you're organised and independent. I think people popping in and out takes your confidence and adds stress.

You have had loads of great advice and seem to have a really good understanding of your condition and how it affects you and i think you'll cope brilliantly.

Just wanted to say you're doing the right thing, i was married to a liar/fibber and overspender for 17 years and its affected me loads.

When i left i swore to remain single forever as i could never trust again either emotionally, financially or verbally. As it happens i met a great guy as a FWB and he is now my boyfriend but i wont ever live with him or merge lives so i dont have to worry about where he spends his money (he's actually really good with money) or if he lies to me.

When i met my husband he used to tell fibs to friends but as it didn't impact me i didnt worry about it, i was also young and naive but now i know its a huge red flag.

Gradually over the years his lying,lying by omission and fibs just got worse and worse.
It was like he was a compulsive liar and i always said he wouldnt know what the truth was even if it smacked him in the head🤣
The main lies were around overspending and running up debt, i think he lied because he knew i would be angry but i always found out anyway so i was then more annoyed about the lying but he couldnt seem to help himself.
He ran up £25k of debt in 10 years and this was all spending on himself.

I ended up £10k in debt because i couldnt afford all the outgoings for the house and family as he would only contribute the bear minimum so took put credit cards to get by.

When we split he had been on a repayment plan with his debts of £1pm.
Within a year of splitting he had run up another £6k of new debt (not including the car on finance). He has a serious spending addiction unfortunately.

Going back to the lies, he would even lie about whether he had walked the dogs or whether he had cleaned out the animals or that he had rung his mum or aunt for a chat.
All lies just for lying sakes.
Obviously ot also showed what a lazy person he was.
He liked nothing better on a weekend than to get up at noon, watch TV and fall asleep again.

The lack of insight in to his lies led to him having numerous emotional affairs over our 17 year marriage.
He still cant see (even now we are divorced) that he did anything wrong because 'he was never going to leave me for any of them and he thought i would just put up with it'

My ex just doesnt live in the real world, yes he had a shit childhood, yes he had depression but that is no excuse.
I think he's going to die a sad, lonely man.

Meanwhile my life is great, I've never been happier. I might not have loads of money but at least I'm not worrying about him running up loads of debt or not contributing fairly and all decisions are mine alone without a lying person to negotiate with.

Good luck🤞

@forrestgreen I love making lists and organising so I'm actually looking forward to that aspect of breaking up, as odd as that sounds!

@SortingItOut that sounds horrific, I'm so glad you're away from all that stress now. It's amazing what you'll overlook at the beginning of a relationship because you're all loved up only for it to bite you in the arse later.

sure there are other little tweaks I can make to avert burnout

Batch cook and freeze portions, and do your shops online. I've found this really helps me as one less thing to worry about, and there's frozen meals ready if you're too tired to cook from scratch.

On continuing the relationship it's a no from me. It seems to be too deeply engrained in him to lie - its almost a default response. I could neither respect or trust such a man.

@Closetbeanmuncher exactly, the respect is eroded with every little lie. Looking back I think I've fooled myself into believing each promise of future honesty because on a day today basis our relationship has been loving and nurturing. I don't want to be a fool anymore. I'm ending it.

An update if anyone's interested......

I talked with The Fibber yesterday and ended things. I've made a list of all the reasons the relationship was unhealthy to look at when I begin to feel wistful about the good times and the positives he brought to our lives. Today the emotions have hit me and I'm feeling low and exhausted, I was in logic mode up until this point. I just need to keep remembering that sadness and loss are natural feelings when any relationship ends and not a sign I've made a mistake, that it will get better with time.

Thanks everyone for replying to my OP, it really helped put things in perspective.

It is a shame that some people can be right for us in lots of ways but not in enough ways. Breaking up would be much easier if there was nothing nice to remember from the relationship. How many things you need to be right for you is a direct measure of self respect. So, people with low self respect will stay with someone who only satisfies their needs minimally. People with high self respect will leave someone who satisfies them 80%, because they know they deserve 90%+

So, if it's hurting because of all the good stuff, OP, that's a sign that you have ended the relationship due to a high level of self respect, and some good, strong boundaries.

You did the right thing

You will be sad, but you'll get past that. You will be ok, just not yet!