subtle and early red flags? please advise!

[yourshes]

First post and hoping for some advice after being a long time lurker!

I’m 36 soon and feeling deflated about being single. I have a date tonight. We are in each other’s bubble as met once before lockdown and wanted to meet again. Neither has family close by.

I have had tons of therapy and still do, mostly exploring relationships. I’ve dealt with some stuff but the conclusion seems to be that I’ve just not met the right person. But...I’m so quick to write people off if I don’t feel quickly comfortable with them and at the same time I have given way too much time to people where it was never going to go anywhere. I have missed subtle red flags sooo many times. I don’t want to do it again but maybe I’m being a bit too far the other way now!

What should I be looking out for? What would you say is a tick and what’s a cross for this date? Aside from obvious things of course. I would be really grateful for any pointers here as I want to be clear about what’s good and what’s not.

Given you've met once do you feel safe being in his home or he yours as these are only available places?

I'd worry about a man who was willing to give his one bubble spot up to a woman he has met once.

We spoke a lot before meeting up the first time and I know him through a friend of a friend. Doesn’t mean it’s totally safe I guess but I know where he works etc and feel ok about meeting. We are both a longggg way from family so it’s nice to be able to see someone! It was my suggestion to go to his, if that makes any difference x

Well, not sure it counts as subtle but a big red flag is pushing for sex and trying to turn things sexual too early on (unless you are both in accordance). To me is suggests they're not that bothered who it is they're doing it with which doesn't bode well for fidelity in future, plus lack of respect for boundaries. I've had a couple of experiences like this lately.

Also, any set negative views on women such as 'you're not like other girls'

It sounds like you are moving very quickly. In a bubble and you’ve only met once? Presumably you’re staying over tonight? If you’re not good at recognising the red flags, I would be taking the whole thing much slower.

@Infinitethings

It sounds like you are moving very quickly. In a bubble and you’ve only met once? Presumably you’re staying over tonight? If you’re not good at recognising the red flags, I would be taking the whole thing much slower.

I agree with this OP, if you're feeling this anxious and on edge then you shouldn't be moving quickly with anyone, you should be really taking it slow. Bubbling with someone etc is a speedy version of intimacy because it means you're essentially having an exclusivity agreement without it being discussed or a healthy dynamic established first. I would be wary not of this guy in particular but of not seeing the potential flags of progressing to things like bubbling this quickly in general.

Definitely not staying over!!

If you're not intending to have sex with him, I would not go to his house.

Yeah, friend of a friend, you've talked a lot. But you've had one date.

You'd be safer in your own home where you know where the exits are and can have a heavy object close to hand.

(Yes I know I sound paranoid. I've survived multiple rapes. I've avoided rape by defending myself and listening to my gut feelings, always. I like sex, with men, so I risk assess every encounter.)

I think this whole way of handling this is a big mistake OP. Wait a couple of weeks and you can go out for a meal or something.

I think moving so quickly is a big red flag - in my experience anyway. Did he suggest the bubble?

@yourshes

We spoke a lot before meeting up the first time and I know him through a friend of a friend. Doesn’t mean it’s totally safe I guess but I know where he works etc and feel ok about meeting. We are both a longggg way from family so it’s nice to be able to see someone! It was my suggestion to go to his, if that makes any difference x

@yourshes

Long way from family fair enough.

But surely you have friends you could bubble with? It feels like you're very vulnerable, bubbling with a virtual stranger.