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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help with how to talk to parents

10 replies

PaisleyCrib · 14/11/2020 15:19

This might seem silly but I want to make sure I raise something sensitively with my parents, to avoid any bad feeling, and I need some help with how to do it! A bit of background info will be necessary so apologies for the long post.

We recently purchased a house for my parents to live in, which is about half an hour away from us (they currently live 3 hours away). We are financially very comfortable and it felt good to be able to help them in this way (they will sell their own house and invest the proceeds to generate an income for their retirement, while living in the new house rent free). We are over the moon to have them closer and have always been close. In turn, they help us with our 3 kids and multiple pets!

But we want to make sure that certain boundaries are put in place. They are the sort of people who think nothing of walking into our house without knocking, at any time of the day or evening, to just say hello!! DH wants to make sure that the new arrangement works without us feeling that we’ve sacrificed our privacy. But how can I raise this with them without potentially sounding rude?? It’s pretty foreign to the way that they think. I definitely don’t want them to think we’re having second thoughts after they’ve been through the huge upheaval of leaving their lifelong home and town and all their friends. They are fully independent and physically fit so that’s not the problem, but they just don’t seem to realise that DH needs evenings alone sometimes...

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/11/2020 15:32

Ooh! That's one hell of a mixed message you've given them, isn't it? I can see why you're struggling with it.

Maybe you'll just need to bite the bullet and tell them plainly. DH isn't comfortable with them letting themselves in, they need to text, knock on the door etc.

PaisleyCrib · 14/11/2020 16:06

Oh no I’m sad it seems like a mixed message. I didn’t mention that the house is a really lovely one, spare bedrooms for their friends to stay and lovely garden and community - they are super excited about living there. It’s undoubtedly an upgrade on where they currently live. And we want to see them a lot, just not feel like we actually live with them!

OP posts:
B1rdflyinghigh · 14/11/2020 18:49

Do they wish to move? Have you discussed this with them before you move them away from their social circles?
You want them to be open to helping you with childcare and your pets, but you don't want them popping in?
It does seem very one sided in fairness.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/11/2020 19:08

Christ, have they already moved?

This has the potential to go splendidly wrong.

iklboogeymum · 14/11/2020 19:10

They are the sort of people who think nothing of walking into our house without knocking, at any time of the day or evening, to just say hello!!

Lock the door / put the latch on?

Mosaic123 · 14/11/2020 19:13

Work out a good day for them to see you every week, let's say Thursdays.

Indecisivelurcher · 14/11/2020 19:19

Hi OP, my in laws moved from 1.5hrs away to our town, 15min walk away, 1 min in a car. Then my sister in law and her family did too, from 3hrs away! Mother in law loomed up in our front window unannounced a few times. They've helped themselves to our driveway to go into town. It's not been awful. It's largely stopped since they came in uninvited now, just came into the house, no knocking, when dh was ill, and he was cold to the point of rude. Not an ideal way to handle it but it made the point!

Indecisivelurcher · 14/11/2020 19:21

I thought they would be much worse, but actually they were fairly aware of needing to have boundaries I think. So yours might surprise you.

Elieza · 14/11/2020 19:29

Lock the doors anyway, people get burgled through not locking doors these days sadly.

Tell them you and your hubby like to go au natural in the house so unless they want an eyeful they’d be better to ring first to make sure you are at home. No turning up unannounced. That aught to sort out any potential issues. Grin

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 14/11/2020 23:18

Surely just lock the door?

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