Relationship and PTSD-WWYD (Trigger warning)

[teanomilk]

Hi everyone, I've NC for this as I don't want to link this to my other name.

I've been married to my DH for 10 years, together for 14. We have two DC and are very happy together. I can genuinely say that he is one of the best people I know.

A year before I met my DH, I met someone at a club and brought him home. I fell asleep and woke up to him sexually assaulting me. He did this repeatedly through the night and left first thing without looking back. I never told anyone for a variety of reasons. The main one being that I believed this to be my fault.

I fell into a completely tailspin after that and a man who I believed to be a friend proceeded to start a FWB with me. At the end of the year, I met my now DH but I was very reticent to define our relationship out of fear and feeling completely worthless. Despite this, he was there for me seeming to understand that there was something I didn't want to talk about and we kept it casual. During this time, the friend I'd finished my FWB with assaulted me sexually, he knew I had started to see someone else and didn't care. Again, I've never told anyone this because I believe it to be my own fault.

I cut ties with him and my DH and I became a couple, we married and had our DC. Following my children's birth, I developed PND and sought out counselling. My counsellor believed that I had PTSD from the sexual assaults and told me that I didn't have to speak to anyone about it unless I felt ready.

I told DH about the initial assault and he was brilliant and supportive but I have never told him about the second one as he knew the man and in my head, I am worried to the bones of my body that he will see it that I have cheated on him and that I deserved to be assaulted.

After my counselling, I felt better and continued on my life as I could but each year I have started to have horrible anxiety and panic attacks on the anniversary of the first assault. My brain keeps whirring and I am sick to my stomach at the thought of it, both assaults keep replaying in my head on a loop.

Part of me thinks I should tell DH and tell him about the second assault, giving him the option to leave me because it happened when we had started seeing each other (albeit loosely), I've messed up his life because he's married someone who is a liar and I can't do it to him anymore.

I don't care what anyone else thinks about me, I care what he thinks and I would hate him to see me as contaminated. Which is what I am, I guess.

I literally have no one else to talk to about this, the only person I would is the person I could potentially hurt the most and I just need opinions from other people.

Sorry if this is long.

I am so so sorry you are going through this.
You are not a liar, and you ARE worthy of your husbands love.

I think you need to return to your counsellor. Going once doesn't fix everything. Sometimes it just gets you so far, then you need to let it settle before you tackle a bit more.

I think you are at a stage where you need to revisit therapy.

Good luck
💐

@somethingkindaoooo thank you for your reply.

I saw my counsellor over a period of a year and I'm scared to go back because shouldn't I have just dealt this and moved on by now? It's been over a decade and I'm still reliving it in my head and feeling borderline like I could have a panic attack most days.

And I'm scared, terrified to death that everything my inner monologue keeps telling me will turn out to be true. My DH will leave me and I'll deserve it because I should have stopped them. Both of them. That I am a cheat and a horrible person.

There are other types of therapy you can do.

Cbt
Compassion therapy
Eye desensitisation therapy (good for ptsd)
my sister had it after the birth of her son, she said it worked.

Good therapy isn’t available on the NHS so you would have to pay to see a physiologist it’s about £50 a session. It is worth it if it will make you feel better.

Everybody deserves to be happy.

@Cinderella25 I will look into those, thank you.

I don't feel like I deserve to be happy, even know with the brilliant life I have, I feel like an imposter or that someone is going to show up at the door and tell me it's all a big joke.

Sounds like low self esteem.

It seems like you have going through a tough time right now. Some support might help, you could try telling your husband that your mental health isn’t great right now but you don’t have to share any detail if you don’t want to.

Your thoughts and feelings matter.

Good luck x

All of the negative thoughts you have having about yourself are not real.

That is the PTSD speaking, I did suffer with it for years - but I’m now free of it.

I promise you, you can be free of this horrible draining negative self talk and beliefs. Just keep going with your healing journey and remember how loved you are

Try and get back into trauma counselling and they will help you to deal with the PTSD and in talking to your DH about the second assault. I know a tiny bit of what you feel. I was on a work trip, had DH and four children at home, but drank a bit to much and a work colleague then assaulted me after he followed me into the hotel ladies room off the lobby. I too felt it was my fault because I’d been drinking and laughing and anyone watching probably thought I was flirting shamelessly. But it absolutely was not. My therapist helped me write down what happened and then I read it to my DH. And he was wonderful about it. You don’t have to say who exactly it was. I did not for similar reasons. So please try for trauma therapy and say a goal is you want to be able to tell your DH.

@Namechangedforthisoct2 thank you for your message. It's reassuring to hear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, fighting with my inner voices is exhausting. Can I ask if you used anything specific to get over the PTSD?

@PlanDeRaccordement Im so sorry that you had to experience that. Im glad that you got so resolution at the end of it through therapy. I will definitely look into trauma counselling.
I know my DH wouldn't ask his name if I didn't tell him, the rational part of me hopes that he will understand but the larger and more controlling part of me is calling me all names under the sun.

@teanomilk

Hi everyone, I've NC for this as I don't want to link this to my other name.

I've been married to my DH for 10 years, together for 14. We have two DC and are very happy together. I can genuinely say that he is one of the best people I know.

A year before I met my DH, I met someone at a club and brought him home. I fell asleep and woke up to him sexually assaulting me. He did this repeatedly through the night and left first thing without looking back. I never told anyone for a variety of reasons. The main one being that I believed this to be my fault.

I fell into a completely tailspin after that and a man who I believed to be a friend proceeded to start a FWB with me. At the end of the year, I met my now DH but I was very reticent to define our relationship out of fear and feeling completely worthless. Despite this, he was there for me seeming to understand that there was something I didn't want to talk about and we kept it casual. During this time, the friend I'd finished my FWB with assaulted me sexually, he knew I had started to see someone else and didn't care. Again, I've never told anyone this because I believe it to be my own fault.

I cut ties with him and my DH and I became a couple, we married and had our DC. Following my children's birth, I developed PND and sought out counselling. My counsellor believed that I had PTSD from the sexual assaults and told me that I didn't have to speak to anyone about it unless I felt ready.

I told DH about the initial assault and he was brilliant and supportive but I have never told him about the second one as he knew the man and in my head, I am worried to the bones of my body that he will see it that I have cheated on him and that I deserved to be assaulted.

After my counselling, I felt better and continued on my life as I could but each year I have started to have horrible anxiety and panic attacks on the anniversary of the first assault. My brain keeps whirring and I am sick to my stomach at the thought of it, both assaults keep replaying in my head on a loop.

Part of me thinks I should tell DH and tell him about the second assault, giving him the option to leave me because it happened when we had started seeing each other (albeit loosely), I've messed up his life because he's married someone who is a liar and I can't do it to him anymore.

I don't care what anyone else thinks about me, I care what he thinks and I would hate him to see me as contaminated. Which is what I am, I guess.

I literally have no one else to talk to about this, the only person I would is the person I could potentially hurt the most and I just need opinions from other people.

Sorry if this is long.

Please please please never think it was your fault, that you should have stopped them or that you should tell anyone anyone. You did not cheat, you were cruelly assaulted and there is no timeline for recovery, go back to your therapist and look after your mental health.

Don't let this define you, you're an amazing and wonderful person.

Being assaulted isn't cheating. Your DH sounds like a good person and a good person would never blame you or think you cheated because you were sexually assaulted. And you don't owe it to him to tell him. Tell him if you want to, but you're not lieing to not tell him. You got assaulted. It is not your fault, you didn't cheat.

And there's no have to be over it because it happened years ago. You're traumatised and you need and deserve help to heal. EMDR is supposed to be very good for trauma, no experience with it myself. If you can afford it find someone who specialises in treating PTSD and trauma and see them privately. If you can't see your doctor for a referral.

I'm not in UK but Ive seen links posted before for phone lines that offer support to victims of sexual abuse and rape. That might be a good place to start. And in case that voice in your head is saying you don't deserve to access these resources because you should have stopped them or because it's so long ago, tell that voice to F off. You deserve support, you did nothing wrong, the men who assaulted you are the ones responsible, not you in any way. Keep telling yourself you deserve the help and support you need, reach out to someone, a helpline, your gp until you get the help you need. If a friend told you she'd gone through what you did I'll bet you would never think badly of her, think she should have stopped them or should be over it or is a cheat. You'd give her love and support and try to get her to reach out to get the help she needs. Remind yourself of that, you are no less deserving of that than your friend or loved one would be in the same situation.

@Mumoftwo1990 @AlreadyGone44 thank you so much for your words.
Those and the ones of the other posters are more than I think that I deserve.
I appreciate everything that you've written. As much as I care for DH, he's my soulmate, I don't have the strength to tell him at the moment and it's reassuring to know that it's ok. I think I've had it drilled into my head since I was young that it's bad to lie that withholding this makes my anxiety about it worse.
I know that I'm slipping back into how I was before counselling, I'm already changing the way that I dress into looser, bigger clothes to protect myself and I find myself worrying about other men when I walk past them in the shops or in the street. I feel that lockdown and working through it in a high pressured situation has made me drop back into ways that I think I'll be safe.
I will contact my GP on Monday, I can only imagine that the waiting lists for counselling will be longer than my arm but I am scared of what will happen if I don't, that soon I won't even recognise myself again. I can't do that to DH or my children.

It’s no problem at all and never doubt you deserve the support. But yeah ring the gp and you could potentially get moved up the list, I have my fingers crossed for you! x