How much sex do you have...feeling low

[Gimmemore]

Hi all! Posting here rather than the sex board because I like this board and hey, it's to do with relationships!

I'm just wondering how long you have been with your partner and how much sex you have on average?

I'm just feeling a little low as we have only been together 2 years and the sex has gone down to say once a week, sometimes twice. We see each other very regularly (don't live together though, no kids)

I know he has a very tiring manual job and sometimes I am not in the right mood (mild depression) but it is hard for me not to worry or get down about it because I remember how he was all over me at the start, etc etc.

I also know he does masturbate a fair amount. I don't have an issue with him masturbating but have tried to speak to him and make it clear that it would be good if he could prioritise being intimate with me over getting himself off alone. He gets a little defensive though and makes it seem like I am telling him he can't masturbate or whatever.

I don't know just trying not to feel too low about it, it makes me worry whether he still loves me and finds me attractive. I know this may sound silly as some couples have sex even less than once a week. At the beginning it was such a big part of us though and I need it to feel close.

It doesn't help though that I am not that great at initiating. I have some issues there which I know I need to work on.

I often try dressing nicely etc in things I know he likes, it normally does the job, but at the same time I would like him to find me attractive without me having to dress like that, you know. Is that even possible? Aka along lines of sexy outfits and lingerie. I don't want to feel like I have to dress like that all the time to get him interested in having sex with me? If that makes sense.

I am going out for a few hours but will appreciate any replies and respond as soon as I am able! Thanks all

Also there is an age gap, he is a decade older, so it could be said that doesn't help but as he also masturbates I think he does have a decent sex drive!

I don't live with my bf but spend 3 nights a week together and probably only do it twice, him having a lower sex drive or he doesn't fancy me that much, annoying isn't it at least we're aren't living with them! Tbh I don't really want to stay with mine long term just putting up with him for now.
Some of it mostly because I need more intimacy.

Married 20years...1 a month ...

Everyone's different, don't compare yourself to tiers, some people have sex every day (I can't see where they get the time or energy!)

Some have none

Of the amount you have is a problem for you,that's all that matters.

I suggest talking about it to your partner!

Together 6 years, usually at least once a week maybe twice occasionally. It works for us. He works away during the week so is only home at the weekends. Even if he was at home all the time I'm not sure if would be more than that. Everyone is different, some people on here will say everyday/every other day and that's great if it works for them but personally for me that would start to feel like a chore. It's whatever works for you.

married 33 years, mostly only at weekends, too tired and got health probs

Thanks everyone. It's just that I know he does have a fairly high sex drive. I know he masturbates. We see each other so often and I do think I am pretty attractive yet...?

Maybe it's down to him being tired from work and me not being able to initiate well (it must be a confidence issue or something I don't know, I can and do sometimes initiate but have never been great at it in any relationship)

I have tried to talk to him but it is difficult to talk to him about anything, and he can get defensive. At the same time I am probably not the best communicator either. I am worried I just come off as naggy (hate to use that term) desperate or insecure (I am a little insecure at the moment, yes!) Or even whiny...arggh

Replying because I've also been with my bf two years and we spend a few days a week together. I'm gonna suggest you're right about him being tired from work. We do it multiple times in a day but we are both furloughed.

As PP says, I would actually spell out to him that I was unhappy with the situation.

Hi Op,

Together 7 years, due to get married and once a month, 6 weeks for us. It’s a massive problem for me and I’m considering voting with my feet.

I completely understand how the lack of sex can leave you feeling unattractive, which I’m not.

I just can’t understand it.

As for you feeling naggy, you’re not! It’s because the problem is addressed properly, you get stonewalled or whatever the reason, and because it’s unresolved you keep going around in circles.

I’ve said just a single sentence, I’d like us to have more sex, I need it to feel close to you. Falls. On. Deaf. Ears.

Together 6 years, about 2-3 times a week. I know ideally he'd like it every night but life is busy and tiring! Sometimes he initiates, sometimes I do.

It is less than we used to though - 3/4 times a night, every night at the beginning! I think it is just one of those things that often happens.

Been together almost 8yrs, trying to get married (bloody covid), 2 kids.
So we have never done it multiple times a day, or even everyday. At your stage we had a baby and we’re doing it maybe once to twice a fortnight. Right now we had sex a week ago, then last time before that was early July which resulted in a ruptured ectopic pregnancy so had the fear.

Tiredness really gets me and my sex drive isn’t amazing

Men will often masturbate out of boredom or to 'clean the pipes'. Some might feel they need to do it otherwise they question their own masculinity. Masturbating is also to let off a bit of steam. It's often not a competition to sex, in which they feel they need to invest a lot more energy into. Maybe that's why as a manual worker he feels he has the energy to masturbate, but not to have sex.

Yes @Beentherefonethat I have also said once that I need it to feel close.

I know he does get knackered from work. But the sex was such a big thing for us at the beginning, and so good, a bigger part than in other relationships I have been in.

I have tried to discuss it, he just gets irritated, then it becomes about him feeling like I am saying he shouldn't get himself off ever when he is alone etc.

Arggh yes it does make me feel shit and he doesn't seem to care about it really.

Perhaps he is just better off being left with his hand then, haha.

Maybe it is immature but I have decided I am done with dressing sexy to get his attention for the time being. I need to feel like we can still have sex without it. I still look nice but nope at the moment I can't be arsed to put any effort into being super sexy right now. Perhaps that is counter initiative, ha ha.

Yes I know @EarthSight and I do try to bear this in mind. I know his work exhausts him

I just think he should be happy that he has someone younger and attractive who is gagging for it usually haha

I has this problem when we kinda progressed into a more long term, comfortable relationship. We were all over each other at the beginning, would have sex every time we seen each other, sometimes into the early hours of the morning when we both had work early the next day. After about a year/year and a half it started tapering off a bit and I really struggled thinking he was going off me or didn’t fancy me anymore. I haven’t been in a really serious long term relationship before (well not as a mature adult). We moved in together last year and it’s even less frequent. He has a manual job and is up at 5am every day and out the house for 10-12 hours depending on where he’s working. I’m more of a night owl so don’t go to bed till well after him and don’t get up till 3-4 hours after he leaves the house. We manage about once a week or sometimes we’ll do it multiple times in a week but then not have sex for 10-14 days. Just depends on tiredness and what’s happening. Sometimes I feel like we should be having more sex but I’ve realised that you shouldn’t compare to other people. It’s working for us right now.

If it’s not working for you because you want to have more sex then I would definitely talk to him and make sure he can’t squirm his way out of it. But if you only feel it’s too low because you think other people are doing it more often then I don’t think it’s helpful to compare.

I been with my partner for two years and we usually have sex two times a week.

You are way overthinking this. Life gets in the way, it's normal.

An LTR is much more likely to endure if both partners are happy sexually. And a good sex life requires communication which seems to be lacking in your relationship. If he won't engage when you raise the issue then you have a problem. But you also need to get over your reluctance to initiate, if you always leave it to him he may get the impression you are not interested or that you feel pestered.

All guys masturbate, why do you suggest that he prefers it to sex? If you are reluctant to initiate this could be a factor leading him to do this.

How happy are you with him right now?

What I’m hearing from your posts is that you make a lot of effort now to tempt him and you’re still not getting enough. To make it worse, he is saying/implying you’re saying he can’t masturbate - is he gaslighting you here? Is porn involved? Trying to make you feel bad about his lack of sex drive with you despite you dressing in sexy outfits? I think you’re right to stop dressing up and trying to initiate. The bottom line is really, are you really happy in this relationship? Not ‘I’d be really happy if....’ It’s your relationship and it’s how YOU feel about it.

I’d expect sex more often at this stage in a relationship, but perhaps the 10 years age difference is a factor if he’s 50 plus?

Married 25 years, been together 28 years. We have sex 3 or 4 times a week. This suits us both.

Have posted on here before.Cut long story. Partner put me through the torment of saying he didnt want "this: anymore. Was taunting me that he had someone else anyway.Laughing and generally being horrible.Later found out he had been messaging ex from years ago and saying how horrible I was and she was giving him a shoulder to cry on! (mother of his grown up child) deleted it all before I could see. I think he was going to leave us as was adamant he was selling house (in his name) and moving back down south.We have two children together. Then he went back to normal, wanted to make it work etc when I made it clear he couldn't just sell our home. Anyway it hasnt been easy and I feel I was doing best for kids. They seemed happier. Hasnt been easy. Anyway fast forward,i saw on FB last night that he had looked at profile of his ex only couple of weeks ago. So shocked. Confronted him and he said he wasn't sure why he done it. Makes me so angry. I cant be sure that ages ago it hadnt gone further as he took off a few times on own for weekend in a strop. Apparently to stay at his mums. He treated me so bad at the time. Name calling etc. I got the feeling that you dont overnight decide to sell home and leave family unless your head has been turned by someone and more than texts have taken place. He was so detached and totally emotionless to the hurt he was causing. Anyway he cant believe how I'm reacting about the text.. he said if my ex popped up on FB he is sure I could look. Turning it round on me. Havent seen nor heard from my ex for over 10 years. His ex had been saying they should get back together and that they were only young at time. I'm so angry. Not sure why I'm posting. I know FB and all that Is sp childish but just the fact he has looked at her profile makes me distrust him all over again. Hes sitting here watching tv and I'm boiling up inside. It might not be alot to some people but after the shit he pulled months back I am so angry. He said he didnt think it was such a big deal. Also said ages ago that if it were the other way round he would be gone.