"Break" from DP hasn't had the outcome I'd imagined.

[Alodi]

Things have not been going well for a long time.
So, we decided to have a "break" from each other as I have been desperate for some space to gather my thoughts and to reignite my feelings for him.
He moved into the caravan 3 weeks ago and we told the DCs some trivial reason that they believed. We have been sharing the DCs via a rota and I have been sitting in the caravan doing a few hobbies, going for walks, going to the supermarket when its his turn with DCs in the house.
I thought it would have reignited my feelings for him, but it's done the opposite. I feel more like me than I have done in years, I have more energy for the DCs (one of my worries was that I wouldn't cope as he's so hands on), my head feels so much clearer, I don't feel like I'm drowning, I don't feel ashamed of myself when I step out of the door to chat to the neighbours because 5 minutes ago I'd been inside swearing at DP, I have energy for friends, I feel more excited about life. I aren't making a huge effort to be nice to him when actually, I'm furious because he's left the kitchen upside down. I can just tell him I'm pissed off and then he's in the caravan anyway, so I don't have to speak to him.
I'm however devastated.

It means that we are going to be separating and I'm going to put my children through something I had to go through as a child which I found deeply upsetting. I'm going to have to find a new home and probably a better job.

He is already depressed and I know I'm about to break his world apart (he's a good Dad).

I realise that many of his behaviours are antagonistic, that I'm not a shouty, sweary person really, that I am drained by his constant need to debate about tedious, trivial matters that shouldn't matter. I realise that to not have him to talk to about my day makes no difference, because he never had my back anyway and would throw any weaknesses in my face later on. I feel free.
I don't have him saying we "can't" do this and "can't" do that, because I do whatever the hell I want on my days with the DCs.
I am not tired all the time. Trying to stay up late to spend a bit of time with him because I'm going to bed earlier. I am sleeping wonderfully without being woken up by his snoring, tossing and turning.
I have time to think about my health and eat healthier foods without him complaining about the lack of unhealthy carbohydrates on his plate.

I realise that we have actually been living separate lives anyway, we have separate friends, separate hobbies, separate interests and values.

BUT...
I want to know, is the reality of separation and seperate houses a whole different ball game to this? Am I getting ahead of myself to think... "yes I can do this?!"

OP,

It sounds like you are ready to separate.

Your children will be carried by you being a much happier person.

Your life with him sounds awful.
No wonder you feel so much better being apart.

Good luck

You've realised you're happier without him, which is an important point to come to.

Well you're happier with him doing 50%. Would he still be involved if he was living somewhere else? Would you still feel good if you had no help from him and had he kids 100%? I think any woman who is contemplating leaving a marriage needs to answer that one since most men will do EOW if you're lucky and zero of the mental load. And will end up with a new partner quite quickly.

When I split with ExH, this was how I felt. So free.

He had a new partner quickly, and only does EOW. And still my life is a million times easier, maybe more. Not carrying round the negativity of hating someone is so wonderful. I hadn't realised how utterly draining it was to just resent him all the time. I'm totally happy to sole parent my young kids (all under 7) 26 days out of 30, in order to live life on my own terms. Best decision I ever made.

Of course you can do this. It's hard but it will be worth it.

Good for you and yes you can do this.

And why did you describe him at all as a good dad?. I would think your children would not describe him as this. Better also to be from a so called "broken home" than to remain in one.

Women in poor relationships too generally write such when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Your relationship to date has definitely been poor to say the least. And who is to say he is already depressed?. Some men use depression as an excuse in order to abuse and otherwise mistreat others.

I separated from my children’s father and partner of 15 yrs late summer. I am so much lighter and free from the heaviness. I was exhausted. I look and feel 10 years younger and I am looking up again and excited about what is ahead.

It will be fine. You only have one life, make sure it is a content one, if you are not content you wont find happiness. Enjoy x

Girl..... you gotta do it. My sister split up with her ex and for starters, my niece was so much happier because there was no arguing. Just try and avoid the mistakes your parents made that upset you. Good luck!!!

Op. Im going through this at the moment. We told our children very recently. Honestly the most awful, awful moment of my life..BUT..has crystalised for me that its the right thing...because I looked at my ex in that moment and if there were ANY way of going back I think we’d have taken it just then and my brain and heart both said a resounding NO. You can do this. It won’t be easy, it will hurt thise around you, but it might just be the thing that saves your sanity to find yourself again...which means you’ll be miles better for your kids.

Do you think he feels the same way? Regardless, you sound so much happier with your new found freedom to be who you are do what you want to do. Now you've had a taste of the life you could have, I think you should put yourself first and separate.

Oh I've been there too and I remember it so clearly. And no, you're not getting ahead of yourself - you've given yourself a taste of what it will be like, and trust me, it will be even better.

It's hard, I know, but it sounds like the relationship has already broken down so verbalising it perhaps won't come as a shock to him. Could he feel the same?

So, next steps - did you agree a time limit on this temporary break? My advice would be to rip the plaster off quickly and give yourself permission to start feeling better instead of dreading the conversation that has to happen.

Lastly, bloody well done you! It can feel very wrong but please do know you're doing the right thing for you and for your kids.

I want to know, is the reality of separation and seperate houses a whole different ball game to this? Am I getting ahead of myself to think... "yes I can do this?!"

No. You can do it. It'll be great.

@selflove what you say about not carrying around the negativity of hating someone really resonates with me. Because we're not arguing, I don't have that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach every few days for knowing I've upset him or that he's going to be sulking.

@lsquiggles I don't think he really has feelings either way. I asked him how he's finding things and he just shrugs and gives a half-hearted "alright."

I think he's been goading and antagonising me for a while and I only came to see this recently. Today, we spent more time together than we have done in 3 weeks and in a short space of time, he became quite animated and happier once he'd got a rise out of me. I think he's very unhappy in himself and has been using me and my 'rages' as a way of expressing his own surpressed anger.

He has always managed to kill, mock or ignore any romance, love and intimacy between us as if he finds it uncomfortable or something.

I'm not going to try and fix him any more though and realise that I need to go on protecting myself until I can eventually be free of him.

"I think he's been goading and antagonising me for a while and I only came to see this recently. Today, we spent more time together than we have done in 3 weeks and in a short space of time, he became quite animated and happier once he'd got a rise out of me. I think he's very unhappy in himself and has been using me and my 'rages' as a way of expressing his own surpressed anger."

It's amazing what you see when you have been able to step back from things. There's no going back once the scales have fallen from your eyes. I hope you can learn to not let him get a rise out of you and recognise how pathetic it is that he tries. Now you see it for what it is maybe you can have a bit of fun with it...predict it, call it out, grey rock it, think of fun ways to subvert it.

He likes getting a rise out of you because it gives him more power. He is not abusive because he is angry, he is angry because he is abusive. Abuse is about power and control. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger when you rightly call him out on his behaviour. This man is an abusive individual.

You cannot ever act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works as you have all too clearly seen. Who taught you that you had to fix people?. Whoever did that was wrong.

I felt liberated initially after the split but I did find it hard. Took me far too long and a lot of therapy to recognise my ex wasn't interested in co-parenting. I'd clung to that idea as I knew it was in the best interests of the children but it allowed him to continue to manipulate in exactly the way you describe. He ignored all attempts to sort finances, he did EOW and one night a week even though he wasn't working (and I'd had to get a job as one of us needed to provide for our children). He failed to acknowledge our children were struggling until there was social services involvement and he's ended up working for a dodgy outfit that means he's not been paid or entitled to furlough since March, so now no maintenance. I'd have said he was a good father before we split, my children don't share that opinion. And supporting them as they each work through that has been challenging. It's not been easy, I didn't want to be a single parent and I hated it for years but it was better than being with someone who didn't have my best interests at heart.

@secretskillrelationships
Thank you for your honesty.
I'm sorry your ex didn't take his responsibilities seriously and left you to do everything. He sounds awful.
I also worry that DH won't be quite as good a father when it comes to the crunch. I don't think he will cope with set days where he can't go off and do one of his many hobbies. I expect MIL will be picking up his side of the parenting regularly.