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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sexless marriage

50 replies

Confusedandsadman · 14/11/2020 11:08

Hi, thanks in advance for reading this thread and for hopefully bringing some perspective to an issue that is eating away at my marriage. For a few years now I have pretty much lost all interest in sex with my wife. We're both in our thirties and have kids. I have zero interest in sex with her, to the point where I am turned off by her touch. This has caused a major rift in our relationship as she has a high sex drive. We barely talk anymore and she is incredibly miserable whenever I am around. I know that I am the cause of that misery and am coming round to the idea that perhaps we'd be happier if we split. I've posted on here to hopefully gain a female insight into the situation. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

Namechangedforthisoct2 · 14/11/2020 11:11

Just speak to her, I wouldn’t say to her that you’re turned off by her touch but you need to sit down together and figure out if you both want to continue in a sexless marriage or separate.

If I was you I would be looking more at this myself, is it just your wife or have you lost all libido. Are you happy with this? If it’s just your wife then why and can it be fixed? If it’s total libido then it might be worth investigating testosterone levels etc

Original poster

Confusedandsadman · 14/11/2020 11:16

We've had numerous 'chats' about the problem, most recently during lockdown in May. I'm still attracted to other people, the problem is my attraction to her. I know that she is active online chatting to other men but don't think she has ever gone any further than just chatting. This doesn't make me angry as I know that she has need that I'm not satisfying.

OP posts:

Lora88 · 14/11/2020 11:20

Hi , do you know why you’ve lost interest in Sex with her ? As I think the reason will be the answer to your question on wether or not you should be in this relationship ? Do you find her attractive ? Do you want to have sex just not with her ? Are you using porn etc as an alternative? The fact you say you are turned off at her touch makes me think you have grown apart you are only in your 30’s depending on your answers to what I’ve asked I would lean towards saying yes it shounds like a Seperation is needed

MintyCedric · 14/11/2020 11:23

Have you lost interest in sex with your wife or sex in general?

Do you have any idea what the trigger was?

I'm assuming the rest of your relationship isn't great either from what you describe?

Original poster

Confusedandsadman · 14/11/2020 11:24

I do use porn to masturbate but my tastes are normal, I'm not into anything extreme or weird. I have come to the conclusion that I don't find her attractive. I feel awful for thinking like this and any time that we have the chat I want to say it to her but I always stop myself as I worry that I'd hurt her feelings.

OP posts:

Plumplumbadum · 14/11/2020 11:25

You are doing all kinds of harm to your wife with this behaviour. How many chats are you going to have, knowing that the reality is that your feelings are never going to change towards her? Let the poor woman go, and let her at least try to find what she needs without the guilt of possible cheating.

Original poster

Confusedandsadman · 14/11/2020 11:26

@MintyCedric

Have you lost interest in sex with your wife or sex in general?

Do you have any idea what the trigger was?

I'm assuming the rest of your relationship isn't great either from what you describe?

I'm still interested in sex. The rest of our relationship is pretty poor. It's kind of just disintegrated. We don't really row or anything but she barely acknowledges me anymore. I know that's a coping mechanism she uses but it's not great for either of us long term.

OP posts:

Pyewhacket · 14/11/2020 11:27

From any point of view : if you enjoy a normal physical relationship and your partner doesn't then sooner or later they're gonna pull the plug on the whole thing. I would suggest, by chatting to other men online, that she's started that process already. Time for some serious duck sorting.

LargeProsecco · 14/11/2020 11:28

I think you have checked out of the marriage, for whatever reason. I think there's an explanation for this - am a bit suspicious that you are saying you are attracted to other women.

Would you consider counselling together?

Are you looking for permission to cheat?

Lora88 · 14/11/2020 11:29

Honestly I think for both of your sakes you should leave , you are far too young to waste your life in a sexless marriage with someone you don’t find attractive trust me this will only escalate into more hurtful scenarios over the years from either one of you. She might hurt now but she’ll be greatful in 3 years fine once she’s happy and content in her life with possibly someone else and same for you , sit her down and break it to her ASAP

Original poster

Confusedandsadman · 14/11/2020 11:32

@LargeProsecco

I think you have checked out of the marriage, for whatever reason. I think there's an explanation for this - am a bit suspicious that you are saying you are attracted to other women.

Would you consider counselling together?

Are you looking for permission to cheat?

We have tried counselling in the past but it didn't amount to much. I don't want to cheat, and I certainly wouldn't come to a bunch of strangers to ask permission. I just want a female perspective. I've read loads about men getting frustrated in a relationship because their wife has lost interest in sex with them, but not much the other way round.

OP posts:

ivfbeenbusy · 14/11/2020 11:32

I do use porn to masturbate but my tastes are normal, I'm not into anything extreme or weird

Because of course you are watching porn involving a "real" woman in her 30s or older who may have had kids and has natural non perky boobs and stretch marks, possibly a size 12 (or whatever the U.K. average is) who doesn't Brazilian wax aren't you????🤔

Of course you are NOT watching some nubile 20 something who should be warned not to stand too close to an open fire she's made of that much plastic she could melt, whose boobs sit up practically as high as her ears who doesn't have a single hair on her body and a size 8?!

CityCommuter · 14/11/2020 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Confusedandsadman · 14/11/2020 11:42

[quote Seychelles98]@Confusedandsadman do you still like your wife in other ways such as her sense of humour or just her as a person? Do you even enjoy her company anymore or can you not wait for her to go out the door? Would you prefer she met the love of her life and left you to have great sex with him and a happy ever after? It's clear you don't want to make much effort to mend things - you want out and it's obvious especially when you said you can't even bear her to touch you. You would be better off separating for both your sakes and your children as I can't imagine the atmosphere being a happy one in your household. Were things ever perfect sexually between you even before the kids?

There's definitely more to this and there's something you're not saying. Did you go off your wife after she gave birth so she's now a Mummy and not considered a sexual being to you? Has she put on weight? Are you using porn or have you suddenly realised you're gay / bi or do you have an unusual fetish that you find embarrassing?

Whatever the reasons you need to start being honest with yourself and with her. The situation sounds intolerable and cruel to make someone feel so rejected that they're looking for sex online...[/quote]
I don't really enjoy her company anymore. She's bitchy, condescending and can be downright cruel. We don't share many interests, and to be totally honest she treats me like a bit of an idiot. I appreciate that this behaviour on her part is some of the reason why I don't find her attractive as it's difficult to want sex with someone who behaves like this. It's not just her physical aspect that I'm not attracted to.

Our sex life has never been great but we used to muddle along.

OP posts:

AllsortsofAwkward · 14/11/2020 11:44

You sound superficial I'm not the 23year old my dh met ive had three dc not a size 6 anymore. He's certainly not the same 23 year old either whilst he's slender (lucky genes) hes aged but I love the person he is. Thank god we see past our physical side and see the person for who their are.

Justcause233 · 14/11/2020 11:49

Well, my husband wasn't interested in sex for about three years, due to low libido though.... He said he always found me attractive and THAT almost killed our relationship as I have a high sex drive. If my husband was turned off by me but attracted to other women.... It would be the end, and my self esteem would have taken a much harder knock. Don't don't tell her that. There's nothing to gain and it would be cruel.

You don't like your wife, you don't find her attractive in any way. This relationship sounds over in all but name.

Leafyhouse · 14/11/2020 11:53

If she's bitchy, condescending and downright cruel, then why did you marry her? By which I mean - yes, I'm sure she has negative characteristics, but she must have had some positive ones in order for you to marry her. I think people get nasty once they're backed into a corner. Once you concentrate on being loving and thoughtful, the loving side in her will respond to that - if the marriage was for the right reasons.

CityCommuter · 14/11/2020 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2020 11:58

Baffling. Just split up. You’re hurting her feelings already, she’s hurting your feelings already. The whole thing sounds miserable.

DougRossIsTheBoss · 14/11/2020 11:58

Just leave already!

You don't fancy her, you don't like her and you don't see any chance of improvement.

Why exactly are you still there??

I was going to suggest reconnecting over shared pleasures and trying to remember what you liked about her when you met but at this point I think you are beyond that.

VioletSunset · 14/11/2020 11:59

If your wife is often mean and nasty to you i don't blame you for not wanting sex . I dreaded sex with my abusive ex, I lost all attraction to him but felt trapped and like I couldn't leave.

Original poster

Confusedandsadman · 14/11/2020 11:59

She's not always had the negative characteristics. We used to get along really well. I'm not an idiot but equally I'm not as academically gifted as she is. I like to think I'm pretty easy going, but that's obviously a biased opinion. As far as I know she still finds me attractive

OP posts:

CityCommuter · 14/11/2020 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reborn2020 · 14/11/2020 12:02

From everything you have said end the relationship...get out and live life to the full with someone else more suitable and let her do the same.

It is past fixing

Puffalicious · 14/11/2020 12:04

Leafyhouse has this bang on. You both need out. My exH is a great guy ( we were clearly attracted to each other, we married, had 2 kids) and a great father BUT we just didn't grow together: after 2 kids and the usual strains he turned into a moany, negative bastard and me into a nervous, nagging bitch. Splitting up in our 30s when the kids were young was the best thing we did. 12 years later I'm ridiculously happy in a 10 year relationship (with lots of strain with a child with ASN) with a man I fancy the pants off still. ExH is also very happy. We share the kids, now teens, who have a great relationship with both of us.

Life happens sometimes, let it go, you're damaging both of you.

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