Divorced peoples opinions

[notreadyfortheheat]

So I feel I'll get a lot of backlash for this post but, putting my big girl pants on.

I have noticed soooo many times in MN other users thinking your a fool for having children out of wedlock. Insisting if the person out of wedlock wants ANY rights (specifically access to assets) they hurry up and tie the knot! And they are a fool and vulnerable not to.

It always seems a very heated debate, with lots of users pointing out they would never have children without marriage as it leaves them vulnerable, and they need the legal backing of a marriage to feel secure.

My question is, those of you who have sadly (or maybe happily) divorced, do you feel you'v financially come of well because you had the protection of marriage? If you got married mostly for the legal protection aspect of it, was it worth it?

Just to points out this isn't to say "marriage makes no difference legally" it obviously does, but maybe to say "don't bank on being set for life, having a fair split of things and being looked after" just because you were married to the father of your children. (Uk based but welcome all responses)

I am separated and want to get divorced but am extremely worried about it. So far my ex has been reasonable, but as by far the higher earner I am very financially exposed should he wish to make things difficult, despite the fact that I am the resident parent.

My children are still very small so when he left it was agreed the house we lived in would be transferred into my name (some equity and a large mortgage). I paid the deposit anyway. He owns another property outright and the agreement is that he keeps that, but it is not a property that he can live in or sell for various reasons so he is renting. However, one solicitor suggested to him that despite what he had done, and that I am the main carer for the children, he should force me to sell the children's home to give him money AND pay him spousal maintenance and some of my pension savings.

I married for love and naively never considered the financial implications. I just wanted a "traditional" family unit. It was the most stupid financial decision I've ever made and has caused and continues to cause me a great deal of worry that would have been avoided if we had not been married.

Another perspective: I went into my marriage much better off than my ex, and he rightly benefited from that when we were divorced. I don't feel hard done by; I'm glad he had that protection by law - but then I would have done the same had we not been married.

Another ‘never again’ marriage person here. In the divorce I think I came out marginally worse off than XH but I knew I would carry on earning whereas he was burnt out, so that felt fair, and I didn’t want him being a burden on DC. Going forward I would be crazy for me to marry my DP as he is worse off than me plus we each have DC who we want to protect.

BUT

For a younger woman wanting DC and contemplating being a SAHM:

• don’t ever give up work if you can possibly help it, and
• get married before getting pregnant.

NEVER be financially dependent on anyone - if you can possibly help it, of course.

I am divorced but we settled out of court financially, I'm lucky it was fairly amicable, not sure it if would of made a difference being married but we didn't have a house to sell, I'm happy with the childcare maintenance I get a month from him I wasn't bothered about getting anything else.

Good question from OP - I'm supporting a friend thru a divorce and they only have fairly ordinary assets. No kids (she wanted them he didn't), fairly similar salaries, her pension is slightly better. Splitting up & Dividing the finances would be much easier if they had never married.. Their lawyers are getting minted.

Not in UK. Pre nups are definitely the norm here. Even if you don't have a pre nup, the suggestion is 50/50 but it's not always the case.

I came out of my 20-year marriage with some financial security (not wealthy and I still have money worries); however, I am better off than a friend, who had a similar length relationship (no children) with a very wealthy man and was left with almost nothing when he traded her in for a younger model.

I have no intention of getting married or living with anyone again. I agree with this

*For a younger woman wanting DC and contemplating being a SAHM:

• don’t ever give up work if you can possibly help it, and
• get married before getting pregnant.

NEVER be financially dependent on anyone - if you can possibly help it, of course*

The same advice would apply to a man who was considering being the SAHP

I think marriage lulls people into a false sense of security.

Whatever the relationship, legally shared ownership of housing assets and joint savings plus having Wills in place are basics.

Beyond that most families have relatively few assets (pension maybe) so the extra protection of marriage is relatively small compared to the legal costs etc.

The issue is SAHP who lose earning power. Being married feels safe but really if a relationship breaks down with one lower earner who has sacrificed career opportunity for the family, they are pretty well shafted whether married or not.

Whilst I agree that if you're thinking of stepping back from your career to do more for the family you should get married, I also think this is misleading. Married or not, if you earn way less you're still taking a big hit if the relationship breaks down. Don't kid yourself.

Of course marriage makes a difference legally - I'm not as rich as I would have been if we had stayed married and he died before me but certainly moreso than if I had never been married.

It's also really awful that the causes of the divorce are not considered when deciding what is a fair settlement financially. So even if one party admits categorically that the marriage breakdown was their fault, they can still sting the other for a large amount of assets that they contributed nothing to.

In my case getting married was a mistake. I'm a high earner with a good career and all the assets were paid for by me, before and during marriage. I also have an excellent final salary pension. STBEXH on the other hand hasn't contributed a penny for years due to his general attitude to money and im recent times, addiction issues. It's worth noting he wasn't always like that for those who wonder why we got married, it all changed after we had a child. Had we never married he'd be out of the house with nothing. As it stands he'll be very much gaining from the divorce. Marriage never offered me any security that I couldn't provide myself. I will never marry again, and I never would have if I had known what would happen

I had an amicable divorce but have always told my daughter she must always be able to support herself. In my opinion it doesn't matter whether you are married or not.

Yes me.

My relationship 10 year relationship was on the rocks but I still went through with the marriage as I would have walked away with nothing.

The house was already his.
I gave up work to look after our children for seven years whilst he built a thriving h growing business up.

No way was I walking away with nothing.

It's not always the case that the SAHP is the shafted one, it very much depends on how good a lawyer each party gets. A lazy, manipulative woman of my acquaintance ended up with 91% of marital assets because she fought like an absolute demon with no sense of justice or fair play whatsoever.

But if you don't want to chuck your family money into the gullets of lawyers: get married to have DC; both parties keep working; keep property and mortgage in joint names; maintain separate personal bank accounts and credit cards plus a joint one for bills, mortgage etc.

And marry the right person, of course!

@Itsorange

In my case getting married was a mistake. I'm a high earner with a good career and all the assets were paid for by me, before and during marriage. I also have an excellent final salary pension. STBEXH on the other hand hasn't contributed a penny for years due to his general attitude to money and im recent times, addiction issues. It's worth noting he wasn't always like that for those who wonder why we got married, it all changed after we had a child. Had we never married he'd be out of the house with nothing. As it stands he'll be very much gaining from the divorce. Marriage never offered me any security that I couldn't provide myself. I will never marry again, and I never would have if I had known what would happen

This is exactly how I feel. I am so sorry that you are in this situation too.

Marriage is often sold on mumsnet as a panacea. It is not. In some situations it helps women (though often not to the extent that they imagine it will). In others it massively harms women when morally the person benefitting really should not.

It should also be noted that for some people, at the time you get married you think you are in the first position and them find yourself in the second. Not in my case but that has happened to some friends.

It is always something that should be considered carefully and not entered into based on just love and committment as I did. I will certainly try to ensure that if my daughters do this, they do it with their eyes wide open.

I’m afraid I came out worse my ex was awful I was a SAHM he built his career up which could only of happened because I did all the life admin and bought our DC up.

He was controlling and emotionally and financially abusive. He walked away with the house because he built up so much debt 70k on marital things such as holidays general stuff that would have been split 50/50. The deal was I got £35k he got the house and the debt he refused to have a house valued only by his friend who valued it 100k less than it was worth.

I signed house over to him. The next day it was on the market for £100k more than he told the courts. He came off much better a profit of £178k the divorce cost me 40k as he fought everything he used his friend who was a solicitor and barely charged him anything, including custody of the DC despite not ever being there for them. I walked away with a small suitcase.

After 18 years together and 14 years married. I was young and naive. If we hadn’t of been married the debt was in his name I wouldn’t have been liable for it and would have been better off.

I have since remarried and in a much better position if we split it’s all drawn up 50/50. Not very romantic but will not be stung again.

The earner / higher earner will lose out in most cases I would imagine. I certainly did. But as my wife was a SAHM I think that was a bit inevitable.

Her behaviour and entitlment on the other hand will make sure any future relationship is entered into very carefully.