Is jealousy ever good?

[LazyLucille]

My sister rang me up after a few drinks and as always she starts telling me there is something deep down wrong with me inside. Which is a flair for the dramatic but she was drunk.

Basically I think the gist of it was the following;

I had been dating someone for a short while about 5 dates in but had been speaking to them for about a month before as friends. During the time we spoke as friends they mentioned a couple of times a friend they were meeting for coffee to help through a break up and stuff, we are all female if it makes any difference.

When we started dating they mentioned that this friend got a bit jealous and declared feelings and sent them a few pictures and the girl I am dating said she's not interested in that way.

So then while we were dating they said they were seeing the friend along with another friend for a few drinks.

I was fine with it. My date had the opportunity to go there and chose not to. She clearly likes me as we were dating and speaking every day. I didn't see any problem. Even if her and her friend decided to make a go of things, it's early days for us and there are plenty more fish in the sea, but I do like her a lot but am hardly attached after 5 dates.

My sister thinks I should have been jealous and made it known that I was jealous to reassure my date that I want them. My date and her friend have always been lesbians whereas this is my first lesbian relationship.

Obviously dating is on hold for lockdown but we still text and call daily.

I don't think I was wrong to think that way but my sister thinks my date wanted reassurance.

Am I wrong?

I think you're right. Jealousy from a dating but not committed relationship would be a massive red flag for me.

Jealousy is widely considered an unattractive trait.

Jealousy can be corrosive and destroy a relationship.

Jealousy is both destructive and self indulgent. And also massively unhealthy

If you're not actually jealous, there's no point putting it on to "reassure" your date; what a silly thing for your sister to suggest.
I am not a jealous person and, from what I can tell, it is much preferable to experiencing jealousy, and worse, for jealousy to inform your decision making. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I haven't been in difficult situations where jealously might have been a natural response, but instead, I realised I felt a range of other emotions; humiliation and sadness, basically. I think jealousy somehow has it's root in a fundamental belief, probably unconsciously, that the other person's affection, loyalty or time is owed to you, rather than that it is theirs to give freely to whom they choose. I know people make social and romantic agreements or pacts of exclusivity, and that it is good to honour such things, but feelings change and people move on, and their time and energy is theirs to share as they please, as is yours, which to me is a much deeper truth. So if you are blessed with a basically non-jealous outlook, thank your lucky stars, OP.

It seems I am not as weird as she thinks. In terms of the jealousy thing. I have been in so many relationships where their jealousy has ruined things.

She said I never give my whole self to anyone because I always know there will be some else if it doesn't work out.

I don't let myself be happy.

We have been on a handful of dates! I am hardly going to declare undying love.