Am I losing my marbles or is my husband a dick?

[Averagebitch]

So part question, part rant. Apologies in advance.

Me and DH have been together 10 years. We have 3 DC but from previous relationships so no DC together.
I've got low self esteem issues, something I'm working on with a counsellor, but basically I'm a worrier and overthink everything.
My husband has anger issues and has had help through CBT in the past. He's got better in the last year or so and his temper has definitely improved. He's never been physically abusive.
We've had a very volatile relationship, we argue a lot and it can get quite heated on occasions.
My main issue is he can be quite condescending and blunt. It seems his new way of venting frustrations is to be passively aggressive towards me. He sometimes nit picks and belittles me, sometimes in front of the kids. He pokes fun at me and sometimes I get annoyed and his response is I'm over reacting. I let stuff slide quite a lot but then it builds up and sometimes results in me having a meltdown over the smaller stuff. I try to talk to him when I start to get irritated but I get shut down with over reacting comments again. I basically feel like I'm in a lose lose situation.
Our relationship is one of those, when it's bad it's dire, but when it's good it's amazing.
We had a huge argument and I told him I wanted to end things. We've had similar discussions in the past, talked about splitting but made it work somehow for a short while. This time feels different for me. I've told him my mental health can't take this anymore. Nothing ever changes and I can't continue like this.
I've told him he needs to leave. We are working out a plan where we live together while we save up some money for him to move out. We are looking at mid January so we can get Xmas out of the way.
So tonight he tells me this wasn't what he wants but will deal with it if it makes me happy. But he would like to talk about our issues so we can move on amicably. He basically wants me to accept that he's done no wrong, and all of his behaviour is in my head. His actual words were "your neurosis has created this". Now, I'm not saying I'm whiter than white but to be honest I'm past caring. He says this is going to help us move on. Wtf?! Why does it even matter. It is what it is, let's deal with the next six weeks and move on.
So basically my question is, do we really need to deal with this now? If we both just accept its over and try and be amicable for the sake of the kids, grit our teeth then surely that's better than rehashing the same stuff every day. My gut is telling me he's either trying to claw his way back in or he's trying to ease his conscious before he goes.
Also, does anyone have any advice for how to deal with this situation for the next few weeks? I know it's not ideal but we are short on options right now.
Sorry again for the long post.

No wonder youve got low self esteem with him treating you like that.

I wouldn't wait for Christmas, why prolong the agony?

We don't have any other options really. Covid has seen to that, otherwise he would have gone to his mums but without his own home he has nowhere for his DC to stay, I wouldn't want to uproot them like that. Where DC are concerned we are very committed to ensuring things are as stable as they can be. He couldn't spend the next few weeks, especially over Xmas without somewhere for his DC to stay.

If you really can't split now, go 'yes, ok, let's discuss this with the help of a professional to ensure maximum efficaciousness, here's the number for Relate' and then grey rock the bastard.

You don't have to engage if you don't want to, just go grey rock, don't get involved with what he has to say. Hope you are not doing any domestic jobs on his behalf, if you are, cease that, it will give him a message. If you really mean it, let whatever he says go and don't bite, then there will be no arguments, detach.

Grey rock might work. He has said if we aren't able to work stuff out so we are amicable then he'll just leave but I can't stand the thought of his DC being uprooted, it's going to be hard enough as it is for them. I don't want them to be in a position where they can't stay with him even if it is a short time. These DC have been very much ours throughout our time together. A part of me feels like he is using that to emotionally black mail me.
Domestic stuff is difficult though, we have continued with that as it were. Not really doing stuff for each other but more for the household. Cooking meals and washing etc. We haven't told the DC yet. I wanted to wait until things were firmly in place so we could tell them this is happening
X amount of time rather than just being vague about stuff.

He has said if we aren't able to work stuff out so we are amicable then he'll just leave but I can't stand the thought of his DC being uprooted, it's going to be hard enough as it is for them. I don't want them to be in a position where they can't stay with him even if it is a short time.

So he’ll sacrifice his children if you don’t roll over and acknowledge it’s all your fault? Nice.

I was going to suggest what Kleptronic said - agree enthusiastically that an amicable ending is best, suggest a counsellor like Relate would be most helpful and leave the ball in his court.

Stop doing his washing.

Ooph, when shit is put like that it just gets you right in the gut.
I'm gonna suggest the counselling, he's not one for sorting stuff out anyway, with a bit of luck he'll lose interest, move out and all will be right with the world.

Sorry to disagree with the majority here, but why would you agree to splash out on counselling for a relationship that’s over? The waiting list for relate in good times is months — I know because I’ve been on it. Lord knows what it’s like now.

I’m sorry OP, but sometimes you just have to draw a line in the sand and make things happen. Dancing around trying not to disrupt the kids will backfire — they’re all teens now right? Or close to it? Be honest with them. Make a clean break. Dancing around, trying to stay ‘amicable’, is just a way of staying engaged in my experience.

Maybe I’m wrong in your case. But I don’t think so.

You're still enmeshed with him and dancing to his tune.

It doesn't matter what he says. Grey rock. Don't engage. Smile and nod and get on with it.

The absolute most I’d do would be to “schedule a time to talk properly” and set it far enough in the future that he’d forget about it and/or you can forget about it and have to “postpone” it.

You sound like you’re used to accommodating. Look at this:

I wouldn’t want to uproot them like that. Where DC are concerned we are very committed to ensuring things are as stable as they can be.

Vs

He has said if we aren't able to work stuff out so we are amicable then he'll just leave but I can't stand the thought of his DC being uprooted

Look at the “we”, “I” and “he” in those similar-but-totally-different statements.

I try to talk to him when I start to get irritated but I get shut down with over reacting comments again. I basically feel like I'm in a lose lose situation.

He wants you in your place. Resist. (But passively. Just refuse to engage.)

I wouldn't bother engaging with someone anymore in counselling who thinks everything is your fault and down to your neurosis. He sounds exhausting.

I also think you're wasting your time and money doing counselling for a relationship that's clearly over.

I reckon your self esteem might increase once you let him go and stop being treated like this.

Oh, I don’t think anyone suggesting counselling thinks OP will actually need to go to counselling... just that suggesting it “shows willing” while not actually having to do anything. It buys time. That was my thinking anyway!

Yep exactly that, suggest it, tell him if it's that important he can arrange it, I bide my time, he probably won't get round to sorting it, all done. Perhaps wishful thinking but definitely worth a shot and might get him off my back for the time being.

Those statements I made though (the I/we etc) just reading them back like that has definitely put things into perspective. What a farce!

He basically wants me to accept that he's done no wrong, and all of his behaviour is in my head.

I had one of these. Gaslighting covert-aggressive wanker.

www.bakadesuyo.com/2018/06/passive-aggressive-people/
counsellingresource.com/features/2008/11/19/covert-aggressive-personality/
www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/covert-abuse-tactics

Pleased to read you are past his crap and moving on. Don't take counselling seriously with one of these types. Your goal would be the truth, his would just be to 'win'.

He’s definitely gaslighting, in an attempt to stall things, maybe even to worm his way back in. I wouldn’t waste money on counseling, just take care of yourself and the children. Blank him, he’ll get the message. Good luck to you.

Oh dear oh dear - another man trying to make you accept all the blame for the relationship breakdown so he can walk away without any guilt?

He's been emotionally abusing you for ages by the sound of it - gaslighting and blaming you for being "over-reactionary" and "neurotic" - nope. Not you, definitely him.

I really don't like the emotional blackmail being used now either - "do as I tell you or I'll make things difficult for the kids" - ugh, what kind of loving father would even DO that??

It's a good idea to suggest counselling, for him to arrange, because it sounds like it will never happen (as he doesn't believe he's done anything wrong or that would merit it) - but I really wouldn't go ahead with it. It's NEVER recommended in abusive situations, and even though this hasn't been physically abusive, it's certainly been mentally/emotionally abusive!

Grey rock is an excellent plan. It's infuriating for people used to getting a reaction - I have a friend who was in a similar position to you but he didn't have kids - he found it baffling in the extreme when she stopped reacting and went full "grey rock" on him. It made things a bit easier until he left, although occasionally he would try to "break" her. It's hard to withstand that, but another tactic you can use is to build yourself some kind of mental suit, that is completely impenetrable to anything he might throw at you. Some people choose a superhero suit, like IronMan, but you can make it exactly how you want - choose your own colour, what it looks like etc - and know that NOTHING gets through it to hurt you.

Something else that can work is pity - pity him for being such an insecure pathetic individual that he has to be mean to you to get his kicks and feel better about himself. That's no way to live, but it's what he chooses to do. How sad for him!

Well done for making the decision that it's the End - now you just have to stick to it.

He doesn't want to be the bad guy so you are expected to just take all the blame. Please don't allow this. I hope you continue to stand up for yourself. You need to and it will be the start of you building yourself up again.

You have to play being a broken record and refuse to engage with what he is saying. Every time he brings it up, tell him “I don’t want to discuss it further”. If he keeps trying, just keep repeating yourself. You can throw in the odd “I’ve said...” or “How many times do I have to say...?” or “What don’t you understand about...?” as intensifiers.

If he tries to talk at you, get up and leave the room. You don’t have to listen to him.