DP watching porn whilst I’m home

[Amitoosensitive]

Hi,

I’ve NC for this because I’ve posted some identifying details on here before and I’d be mortified if I was outed for this.

I moved in with my partner a few months ago and we are both mid twenties and have been together for two years. We are very happy and never had a problem in our relationship. A week ago my phone was in another room so I picked up his phone and went to google something. Clearly he’d forgot to use private browsing because what I typed in happened to be the start of a porn website he’d viewed as it came up in the suggestions. I couldn’t help myself and had a scroll back in his internet history and I really wish I hadn’t as I could see that he’d visited a few porn sites the night before.

Our sex life could be better. We have sex once, maybe twice a week and that is mainly due to the fact that I have endometriosis and suffer a lot of bleeding and pain after sex. We’ve kind of got into a rut now where one of us doesn’t even try to instigate it. I have no problem with him watching porn and I know masturbation is perfectly natural but this has upset me so much. I got really upset and told him what had happened and he admitted to me that over the past few weeks he has been watching it once or twice a week in whilst he’s saying he’s in the shower.

I can’t get out of my head that he’s looking at other girls whilst I’m in the next room and he doesn’t even try to instigate sex with me on these times. I’d understand more if I was saying no and then he did this but that isn’t the case. Our sex life has just slowly dwindled because of my endo. He says he doesn’t know why he’s doing this, it’s nothing to do with our relationship and he thinks it’s a habit he’s formed living at his parents where if he wanted to masturbate he’d have to lock himself into the bathroom.

I don’t know what to do now. I think I’m being particularly over sensitive because I was already worried we weren’t having sex enough and my endometriosis is a big problem. I feel a bit disrespected but also like I’m massively overreacting. Maybe lockdown is just getting to me. Is this something all men do?

I used to be fine about porn...as a younger woman, I accepted it was something most men did and didn't bother me. But now I know better. MANY of the women he's watching have been either coerced into the acts or are from abused backgrounds. Some are trafficked.

When I told my husband about what I'd learned (here on Mumsnet) about porn, he was sickened and stopped watching it. This was years ago now...maybe do some research and present it to your boyfriend.

There are still lots of women on MN who say it's fine...but it really isn't.

I think most men probably do it and I wouldn’t worry too much.

I was going to say exactly what NotFrozen said above xx

This debate is never going to be resolved on here - it’s endless. Looking at porn isn’t something all men do but it’s something a lot of men do. It’s also something a fair few women do too - although tend not to discuss with each other so much. Someone will say that these are your boundaries and he should respect that. I don’t personally agree - I don’t think you should police other peoples watching or masturbation. It clearly isn’t a huge problem so the inevitable “ my DH was addicted to porn and it ruined our relationship” doesn’t apply. Essentially you’re feeling shit about a medical condition that makes sex painful. You want him to initiate so you can say no is that right or would you actually be up for sex with him at these times? It sounds a lot like he doesn’t feel able to burden you when he’d like sex because he knows it’s challenging for you.

No I don’t want to say no, I definitely want to have sex more than we do but a reason it has dwindled is because of the endometriosis. I went through a stage of bleeding each time after sex a few months ago catastrophically, it looked like someone had been murdered and I think that has had significant impact on our sex life. Sometimes I have no bleeding at at, even a bit I don’t mind but recently it has been more so. I am waiting treatment but it has been postponed because of Covid. If he tried to initiate more I would have more sex, I think he’s scared but he’s also not had this discussion with me, he just goes to the bathroom and sorts himself out clearly.

I don’t care what he does in his free time I feel like it’s a bit disrespectful that he’s doing it whilst I’m in the next room but I also don’t know if I’m being over sensitive because of my medical condition.

I previously dated someone and I discovered he had a huge porn habit, bordering on perversion and I’m not sure if that’s having some impact here either.

let's face it, men are idiots. Really they are clueless and don't equate sex, feelings, and emotion in the same way women do.
I'm mid 50's and menopausal and my DH is approx 7 years younger. Up until last year we had a fantastic sex life but I know for a fact he was using porn. I also know that he is still using it and while I'm not mad about it I can't really get up the strength to be upset about it.
We have 3 grown sons all with families and when they hit adolesance I found adult material in each of their rooms.
DH laughed about it, it was some DVD's and a couple of mags, and I confess I took a sneak peek when the men were out of the house. It was quite tame stuff but there was some anal and two men on one girl stuff which I have to admit I found a little arousing. My middle boy seemed to have a thing for lesbians which my DH thought was because our son was the more sensitive of the three.
DH told me his first experience with porn was at a friend's home when his friend showed him some mags, Men Only I think he said.
I do really understand that you fell threatened OP and I have to admit I also did for a while but my DH offered to stop using porn but I told him that as long as I felt loved and reassured I didn't mind how he got his jollies when I wasn't around.
I have an assortment of toys, some I bought of my own bat and some I chose with DH and I use those to get there if you know what I mean. DH knows I use these when alone and sometimes during our lovemaking so I can hardly demand he gives up his stimulus while I keep mine.

Op I totally get that you feel hurt . I disagree greatly with the poster who says one can’t ask their husband to give up their stimulus while they keep their . Being that the husbands stimulate is actual women ! And hers is rubber
No comparison
You’re not overreacting at all and you have every right to expect a relationship with a man who’s not getting off to other women’s naked bodies
Please don’t let your feelings be minimised or invalidated . Some other women may be happy to have their partners getting excited by other women and jerking odd to them but if your not that absolutely understandable and 100 percent fine .
Follow your gut and your heart
There’s been a lot of very heated debates here based on the ethics of porn but at the end of the day you simply do not have to buy into the lie that the REAL women he is using are pixels and that you should suck it up

I should add that is whether your boundaries are hun doing that at all or whilst you are in another room
My point is that your boundaries are OK

I see the morality police have turned up to do some virtue signaling.
The debate about porn is long and protracted and all I'm going to say is that you'll never stop men using it. If you can't accept it fine just don't expect everyone to agree with you or your going to be very disappointed.
Anyway the things that go on inside my head when I'm masturbating might actually shock some and my subconscious can be a dirty little where making my dreams very wet if you take my meaning.
I do feel sorry for men that they seem to need the visual stimulation but then again I too can appreciate the fine abs of a young man but still love my DH's Dad bod.
My DH asked me to make a film with him or let him take some photos so that he could use that as inspiration when he needed a little self relief and I was delighted to do that for him but I am wise enough to know that he still looks at other images too.
There is a series of clips on YouTube called hysterical literature and I recreated a film like that for him, it drove him wild. In my view human sexuality is a great tool and is the glue that binds a relationship.
If you see sex as a filthy little habit then I feel sorry for you.

It's totally ok for you to feel the way you do op! Yea masterbation is natural ! But getting off to other women is not ok ! I have been on so many of these threads because I hate it with a passion. Why do we feel like we have to be ok with it because it's 'just what men do !' No it's not ok . They only do it because they know they can . If it was just what men do why are they trying so hard to deny it , delete it off their phones ect ? Cause they know it's wrong . I am in a ten year relationship and will throw everything away if I find out he's watching it . They are having a cheap wank in the bathroom and forget about it with seconds whilst we are hating our selves , feeling ugly , not good , enough and lose all our confidence for really what can be all our lives . I lived with a man with a porn addiction and it ruined me . As you can still work out 😂 still has and that was over 14 years ago x

I see the doormats have turned up . THAT obviously was said tongue in cheek however it’s so funny the labels ignorant like to attach to those they disagree with .
IO I don’t think anyone here sees sexuality as a filthy little habit and I certainly didn’t read your post like that
On a side note isn’t it interesting how there’s no equivalent to a dad bod . Never yet heard men raving about how they love a mom bod - perhaps that is explains why it feels so shit to know ones partner is jerking off while we are in the next room

@OhDidIHurtYourFeelings

I see the morality police have turned up to do some virtue signaling. The debate about porn is long and protracted and all I'm going to say is that you'll never stop men using it. If you can't accept it fine just don't expect everyone to agree with you or your going to be very disappointed. Anyway the things that go on inside my head when I'm masturbating might actually shock some and my subconscious can be a dirty little where making my dreams very wet if you take my meaning. I do feel sorry for men that they seem to need the visual stimulation but then again I too can appreciate the fine abs of a young man but still love my DH's Dad bod. My DH asked me to make a film with him or let him take some photos so that he could use that as inspiration when he needed a little self relief and I was delighted to do that for him but I am wise enough to know that he still looks at other images too. There is a series of clips on YouTube called hysterical literature and I recreated a film like that for him, it drove him wild. In my view human sexuality is a great tool and is the glue that binds a relationship. If you see sex as a filthy little habit then I feel sorry for you.

Maybe the women you refer to as the ‘ morality police ‘ should refer to women such as yourself as the mysogyny support club ? Is that helpful ? Is it respectful ? Maybe in the same way you say they have come to do ‘virtue signaling ‘ they could note that yoh have come to set women back 50 years ?? I would suggest none of the labelling is helpful . It’s disrespectful and shows a complete ignorance of why many wome take issue with an industry that had at best , a very questionable record of treating women with any degree of respect It also completely dismisses the concerns of individual women who feel hurt on a personal level like the OP If you’re going to offers your view then great but surely you can do this without denegrating all women who disagree

With porn comes lies. With lies comes a lack of trust and the breakdown of a relationship.
He told you he was going for a shower when he was actually going to search for other women online to satisfy his sexual needs.
Bit grim isn't it?

It's entirely up to you whether you're ok with it or not but do not let anyone convince you that 'all men watch porn' or that you're feelings aren't valid.

There are so many issues surrounding the topic but this one comes down to how it's making you feel. Here are a couple of articles to read, they make a lot of sense to me.

fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-damages-consumers-sex-lives/

www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/mens-lives-ruined-pornography-arent-angry/

fightthenewdrug.org/10-reasons-why-you-should-not-let-your-boyfriend-watch/

As a side note have you tried period sponges? Took some on a 'nice' week end away when mine was due. They are safe to have in while having sex... Just an idea - if you know no bloody flood is possible you both may enjoy it more! Disposable and not that expensive!

Just wanted to say, as a longterm endo sufferer, such heavy bleeding after sex is not a normal symptom of endo - you may well have a cervical erosion (more likely if you’re on hormonal contraception which many of us endo sufferers are, but can happen anyway). If you haven’t already then make sure you get an internal exam and a smear test - you may need a colposcopy and they can treat erosions if they’re causing you this kind of difficulty.

Thank you for all of the comments! I will look into sponges too. Ultimately my issue isn’t with the porn or the masturbation, I don’t care what he does whilst I’m not home. It’s the fact that I’m in the next room that’s got me so wound up here so I guess my question would be AIBU to expect he doesn’t do this whilst I’m home? I know that a lot of men watch porn I’m not silly, but is watching it whilst there partners are home a thing a lot of men do or is this going into he has an issue territory here? I guess I’m just trying to get some perspective on that.

As I said before it’s not that I’m knocking him back because he isn’t even trying to initiate, the times we do have sex it’s when I initiate it and that’s probably because the the last few times there was so much blood he’s traumatised but if he doesn’t have the conversation with me he wouldn’t know!

I’ve never been bothered about porn, but knowing he’s watching it whilst I’m literally a few feet away is making me feel a bit

I had a colposcopy back in January as they wanted to check the bleeding wasn’t anything unusual (I’m too young for a smear) and I came back HPV negative, no CIN and no ectopy. They don’t know why I’m bleeding so much but the only explanation they can give me is the endo. It’s not every time after sex it seems to happen in ‘flares’ eg I didn’t bleed for ages and then a few months ago for around six weeks straight I bled extremely after sex. I’m hoping my next laparoscopy sorts me out for that. Fingers crossed!

No OP you’re not being unreasonable . Your feelings are valid whatever they may be !

Could this be more of an issue with breakdown of communication rather than him watching porn?

The bleeding after sex sounds awful OP and I'm sorry you haven't had a resolution yet.

This has to be as much as frustrating for you sexually as it is for him. Could you possibly have more focus on sexual acts rather than POV?

I agree with Marmozet - I think this might be more about communication. I also am mid twenties with endo. I've never suffered pain specifically due to sex, but there was a year between operations where I had chronic pain and often if my boyfriend at the time even vaguely touched my stomach I'd be curling up in agony.

He just didn't know how to deal with it so he avoided it (touching me) - pretty reasonable when you think about it even if not the best response.

Can you reframe it in your head that he doesn't want to put you through pain and bleeding, so is trying to avoid hurting you? Can you speak to him about it and find out if that is part of the reason? If it is, perhaps consider (as Marmozet has also said) discussing options e.g. if he initiates and you're keen, it doesn't always have to involve PIV - if you bled nastily the day before and aren't quite ready to face it that day, consider oral on each other instead.

I'm coming at this from the point of view of someone who could never really communicate on this level to her ex about the endo and it really did make a difference.

I have no issue with people masturbating but I think I would feel similarly if they were doing it in a room next to me regularly. I wouldn't tell them they couldn't, but I'd prefer other ways e.g. helping each other etc.

I hope you get your lap soon.

From a male perspective I suggest you have nothing to worry about on a practical level here. Leaving aside the ethics of porn, it's quite normal for a man to want to wank alone sometimes even if his DP is potentially available. At your age he would probably need it several times a week, even every day if he has a high libido.

Seems very likely that your bleeding has had an impact on him, he may believe that he is damaging you in some way. You need need to have a detailed talk - a good sex life doesn't happen by magic, you need to discuss it regularly just as you discuss other aspects of your relationship.

Why is it some sort of gold standard that married couples share everything, all the time? You have a sex life, of which your dp is a part. But you may also read erotica, or use toys alone, even watch some porn, and masturbate. You may want to share all or only some of that with your dp. That's okay.

He's the same. He has a sex life; it includes wanking to porn. If that becomes a problem in that it affects the sex he has with you negatively - then you two need to discuss it.

But even married people should be allowed a free pass to have sex with themselves. I don't see how you being in the same house at the same time makes a difference.

So sit him down and say, look, if I'm in the same bloody house at least be polite enough to ask me if I'm up for a shag! I may say "hell yes!", I may say "endo playing up a bit but we'll fish out the vibrators and have fun anyway", I may say "thanks for the offer, you know I love you very much but but zzzzzzzzzz feel free to have a discreet hand shandy on your own", but TALK TO ME.

See if you can have a civil calm chat. Worth a go...

Another Nick raises a couple of good points.
Firstly, and as I previously stated, men are idiots. Your partner may well feel in someway he is responsible for the pain and bleeding. He may be starting to see you in terms of your condition and that needs to be nipped in the bud. As you still want to have sex you need to get him to see you as a sexual creature again. I would go the sponge route and try it.
Secondly, yeah young men doh! When my boys were all living at home the amount of toilet tissue I had to buy was scandalous. And soiled sheets at first they tried washing them but have you ever caught a teenager trying to use the washing machine in the middle of the night? Hilarious!

OP are you guys WFH? If you are being forced to spend a lot of time together and in a small apartment or house there isn't very many places a guy can sneak off to for some quick self love.
I really feel your pain and I guess I'm a very confident type. I work hard to look good and normally go to the gym etc. I have been exercising at home in a zoom group lol. I do every now and then get a hit to my self confidence but that isn't DH's faulty we women are steeped in a society which forces us to judge ourselves and, unfortunately, each other.
I know DH looks at other women but he has never made a move and I'm not adverse to looking at the guys in the gym but DH is my man and that's it.