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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Talking to a friend about her marriage

10 replies

DrunkUnicorn · 13/11/2020 20:45

Can I ask for some advice please on how to talk to a friend about her marriage? She has confided in me that her husband says he hates her and cannot stand her. To the world he is charming but he seems to absolutely despise her in private. But she wants to give the marriage another go, because of the the years they have been together. How do I get her to realise this marriage is dead in the water? And because he doesn't hit her, she seems to think this is not abuse. Maybe it is not, but it is hateful and disrespectful all the same. I have heard these same discussions so often on this forum but now that she is looking to me for my views, I am struggling to articulate them. How do I get her to see the light and value herself more and l leave this horrid man behind her?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2020 20:49

If she's asked for your opinion, all you can do is tell her the truth as you see it. Her husband is horrible and she is throwing her life away on a man who doesn't even care about her. Make it clear to her that what he's saying/doing is abuse. It's emotional abuse and that is every bit as damaging as any other kind of abuse.

Original poster
DrunkUnicorn · 14/11/2020 09:02

Thank you, I have been diplomatic and tried to be supportive all these years but now that things have come to a head and she is asking me, I cannot in all good conscience stay silent... Are there any books or resources I can direct her to? She is not based in the UK and we are on different continents. I looked up the Lundy Bancroft book that I hear referred to so often, but not sure if that is relevant. It's not that he is coercive or controlling (the kind of person the book seems to address?), he just seems to not want anything to do with her and is not being very nice about it. And I don't want her to find more reasons to pretend he is not abusive or bury her head in the sand. She is young, intelligent, funny, pretty and just a lovely person, and I just want her to go back to being the happy person I remember.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 14/11/2020 09:36

Why is he with her if he hates her so much? Is it because he want to break her down and destroy her self esteem? That is a common theme on here.

litterbird · 14/11/2020 17:10

Having this right now with my very good friend. Its has been going on for 4 years, he hates her, she stays as she is frightened to be on her own and just takes the verbal abuse. I have helped her from every angle. She tried to leave several times but the dulcet tones of "but I love him" and she's back into the marriage for him to say the same things. She is unlikely to leave him and that is the reason I don't get involved in any discussions about him or the state of the marriage and if she starts going on about what he said to her the night before I just stay silent and move the conversation on. Please don't get too involved until she makes a concerted effort to leave, she will probably return but if she tries to leave be there for her. I have torn my hair out with my friend over the years desperate for her to see how her husband is treating her only to fall on deaf ears. Your friend will know if or when she is ready to go. Just be there for that bit or you will end up really frustrated.

TheTigerIsSleepy · 18/11/2020 20:02

I'm not sure you'll have much success making her see sense, unless she genuinely takes that decision for herself. Your best bet is to give her the advice, so she knows clearly what your opinion is, and make sure she knows that you're there for her. Does she have any external pressures eg visa situation, kids, risk of having to fight a protracted custody battle, family trying to convince her to try again?
I once counselled an Indian woman who convinced herself to stay with her husband because they had 2 kids and "but I love him". He had meanwhile checked out of the marriage, wasn't too bothered about the kids and flaunted his affairs. Her parents tried hard to convince her to see sense. The questions that finally hit home to her were 1. Do you want your boys to learn the behaviour from the husband and do the same thing to their future wives? Would you feel ashamed of their behaviour?

  1. Would you like to see your sons disrespecting you the way your husband does, as that's the behaviour they are learning?
willowmelangell · 18/11/2020 20:21

Can you direct her to MN threads? Say, dc one, or pets and let her find the relationship to look through?

Thatwentbadly · 18/11/2020 20:22

Can you suggest she speaks to a counsellor by herself.

Dery · 18/11/2020 20:42

There is a book specifically aimed at people supporting someone else who is in an abusive relationship. Here’s a link: www.amazon.co.uk/Helping-Her-Get-Free-Families/dp/1580051677?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Good luck, OP.

Enough4me · 18/11/2020 20:48

She knows the truth, but wants to continue for now. As an adult it is her choice, but as others have said you don't need to listen to her complain.

Could you let her know that you support her, but can't hear the negativity as it is her decision to stay?

Badwill · 18/11/2020 21:28

Oh this is a tough situation. My sister had/has the same thing with her best friend. Her husband also despises her, says the most horrendous things to her and has had numerous affairs over the years (one of the OW called to her house to give her abuse as if she needed any more of that!)

Her friends have been telling her to leave for years. But they have DC and her family are catholic so she feels the pressure to remain married to the cretin. Her parents marriage has similar undertones so a lot of it is conditioning. She tried ending it a few times, even got as far as him viewing a flat to rent etc. but at the last minute she let him back for "one more chance".

It's so frustrating to watch a nice person tolerate being abused year after year after year. My sister has stopped talking about it with her as she can't deal with the frustration anymore. It's so hard.

Tell your friend the hard truth, tell her you'll help her to leave in any way you can (appreciate this is difficult being on different continents but perhaps you could looks up relevant information online for her: moving companies, visa/legal implications of separation, send her articles that are useful etc.) tell her she has your full support but I wouldn't expect her to actually leave. Hopefully she will but it might take time. If so just let her know you'll always be there to support when she decides she has enough of being abused.

Good luck OP

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