Splitting up - how on earth do you figure it all out?

[Muchtoomuchtodo]

So my marriage has been loveless for years.

I’ve told DH a few times that I’m unhappy but he does his usual tactic of ignoring things and hope they go away. But this isn’t going anywhere I’m afraid.

Until 2 weeks ago he has not worked since March. Losing his job was a shock, I know that, but he has nothing to show for that time. I’ve asked him to paint downstairs- nothing. I’ve painted 3 rooms of the house, hoping it would spur him on. It’s not. I’ve asked him to sort the garage - nothing. I’ve asked him to fix the wardrobe - no.

Since having dc (15 and 11) I have worked part time and done most of the running round with the dc and organising dc, house stuff, gifts, holidays etc. Now I’ve had to go full time (to cope with his loss of income) and he has got some part time work but with antisocial shifts so that I’m now doing everything that I did before as well as working many more hours.

I knew last year that I wanted to split up but didn’t act on it now covid has come along and turned our working lives and home set up upside down.

Previously my work was around school hours and I could easily see how I could split up and still continue to be a good Mum, being there to get them to clubs, support with homework, music practice etc but now with my much increased hours I just can’t see how it would work.

Until I get this but figured out I can’t even start to worry about finances.

Can anyone help me see the wood for the trees. I’m probably overthinking it as I have a tendency to do.

Probably not what you want to hear, but when you start thinking in more detail it gets even more complicated. I found writing it all down helped, and scenario planning in excel. And then when starting to panic/fear, to apply 'Is is true', 'How likely is it to happen' and 'If the worst happened, how bad would it be'...and then to remind myself that some things on the list will work out as you expect, some will work out better, and some worse, BUT they are unlikely to all be the worst case scenario.

Finances are key though, as finances will help you work out what you may be able to afford in terms of childcare help, school transport, help with other concerns on your list etc

Good luck

I just can’t see how it works - having instruments to practice at both houses, rugby kit, the right stuff for school etc.

Help!

Yes I think it just comes down to duplicating, which is more money to consider

Well instruments they take too and fro but the rest you double or accept that DH might not and they won’t get that ferrying around when they’re with him. Do you expect custody to be 50:50 or do you expect him to have eow and 1 night a week? If the latter then the stuff just lives where it’s applicable (ie if Tuesday is Tuba lessons the tuba lives at the tues parents house).

Logistics are no reason to stay in a loveless marriage. You can and will be fine.

I don’t know how much time they’d spend with each of us.

DH isn’t currently working in a professional position- he’s hoping that his usual industry will pick up post- brexit. His current shifts are really awkward so would mean the kids being all over the place which I’m not willing to put them through so I think any changes are on hold until DH is working more standard hours.

Hindsight is wonderful. I wish I’d have cracked on with leaving him before covid struck.....

Agree this is difficult
First thing - is he moving out ? No point thinking of the detail until you know what the physical set up will be
Then schedule timing with what you know at the time of the change
Only then can you figure out the detail, no point thinking about that yet
How will the separation work between you I do think that is your main point to decide first

As someone who has done it, if you over think the intricacies you get stuck. You have to make the leap and figure it out as you go.

@ZolaGrey - that is so not me! I like a good plan!

God, how am I going to do this? It’s me who wants to split up so I’m guessing that it’ll be me moving out. I would struggle to afford this house by myself anyway. Mind you so would he if he doesn’t get another job back in his profession. It would definitely be best if one of us stays here.

Sorting money is another thing that I have no idea where to begin! My salary is temporarily double what it usually is due to me doubling my hours. Is there a maximum income or numbers of hours worked that would mean that I couldn’t claim any benefits? I guess I’d still get the child benefit as that’s in my name atm. I haven’t got any money to spend on solicitors at this stage.